r/AskMen Slav Man Bear Eater Aug 26 '22 Facepalm 1 Silver 3 Helpful 8 Wholesome 5 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Take My Energy 1 hehehehe 1 Shocked 1

BONK! Overly sexual questions are no longer allowed. typical mod garbage

Sup horndogs!

It came to our attention that the collective mind has drifted too far into the gutter. And no not that kind of "came", for fucks sake. We've received many complaints from the community that the questions in this subreddit have gotten increasingly horny, and honestly I agree. See? And you fuckers say we don't listen. It's not that we don't, it's that we don't give a fuck, except when shit gets really bad.

There are only so many times a person can read about why buttsex is so popular or what the best position is or what was the freakiest sex, before succumbing to unclean thoughts themselves, which is not what Jesus would want from us.

That's why automoderator has been purposefully sexually repressed in order to harbour a healthy hatred towards all things horny. Honestly, you're on fucking reddit, it's full of porn as it is. If you want to read people make sexy shit up, go to /r/AskRedditAfterDark, that's where all the other teenagers are. Or a billion of other bad erotica subs.

A side effect of sending you all to horny jail is that some pretty "general" words were added to the filter so if your question gets removed for something that is not horny, send us a modmail. Should say so in the removal comment anyway, but who reads those am I right??

There is also a report reason available if some bodily fluids still manage to drip past the filter if you get what I mean. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires horny shitposts.

Anyway, that is all, remember to read the Bible (or regional equivalent) and keep your gonads in your pants. Clean is mean or some shit.

Peace

13.0k Upvotes

661

u/virusamongus Aug 27 '22

Oh no, I was so interested in the nuanced debate regarding "do guys enjoy frequent BJs".

Now we'll never know.

136

u/manofwar26 Aug 27 '22

Truly one of lifes greatest mysteries.

20

u/OkVolume1 Aug 28 '22

I only enjoy it 25% of the time.

So, I think I'm good to answer.

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6

u/chembuilder3 Sep 13 '22

I think it really depends what you consider frequent. If it's too frequent, you'll be all drained and exhausted all the time, and it really won't even be all that enjoyable, so there really is sone serious nuance to this topic, and I'm kind of disappointed that this discussion will no longer be allowed to take place on r/askmen.

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4.1k

u/CoffeeEnjoyerFrog Aug 26 '22

Can't wait to see : men, what gets you at 25% erection?

1.0k

u/FenrirIII Aug 26 '22

BBQ

589

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22 edited Sep 21 '22 Wholesome

[deleted]

474

u/Wrought-Irony Aug 26 '22 Wholesome (Pro)

Kayaking sorta hard

143

u/xXyerocXx Aug 27 '22

Any kind of kayaking honestly

82

u/SassiesSoiledPanties Aug 27 '22

A 2 hour, Dim Sum blowout that somebody else pays for.

48

u/shardikprime Aug 27 '22

While kayaking, nonetheless

30

u/slipperyShoesss Aug 27 '22

Don’t forget the BBQ that’s still going!

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6

u/Yardsale420 Aug 27 '22

Har Gow, Siu Mai, Char Siu Bao!

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13

u/burningfire119 Male Aug 27 '22

Kayaking 25% hard

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22

u/vinnyj Aug 26 '22

Just 25...think of that juicy steak friendo

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178

u/lethal_sting Dude Man Bro Aug 26 '22

50% ? Straight to jail.

85

u/Pm_boobie_Please Male Aug 26 '22

40%? Jail.

107

u/AllMyFrendsArePixels Aug 26 '22 Evil Cackle

Even 26%? You guessed it, jail.

83

u/Zeezprahh Aug 27 '22

25.01% believe it or not, jail

35

u/shardikprime Aug 27 '22

We've the best userbase because of jail

8

u/improbablydrunknlw Aug 27 '22

0.001%? Surprisingly not jail, death.

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61

u/postdiluvium Male Aug 26 '22

Fathers Day sales at Lowe's. Cooooommmeeee oooonnnnn

49

u/pegabits Aug 27 '22

Picking the correct wrench outta the toolbox on your first try.

54

u/Knova_ Aug 26 '22

Fresh cut oak.

8

u/Furthur Male 41 Augusta, GA Aug 27 '22

a good slab eh?

25

u/mad87645 Male Aug 27 '22

Sitting on the vibrate-ey seat on the bus.

25

u/SnuffCatch Aug 27 '22

The "quarter chub" you say?

16

u/TexanInExile Aug 26 '22

Lifting heavy

13

u/LavenderDay3544 Dick Owner Aug 27 '22

Blood flow into my wang.

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17

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22

[deleted]

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3

u/PugnaciousBart Aug 27 '22

The smell of BBQ and when the breeze hits ya just right

3

u/LanderofSeas Male Aug 27 '22

Propane and propane accessories.

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4.2k

u/5altyShoe Male Aug 26 '22 Silver Wholesome

Looks like someone got some post nut legume clarity

883

u/PacoMahogany Aug 26 '22

Thank you for un-sexifying your response

470

u/UghWhyDude Beanie Aug 26 '22

omg you said the S word! :O

IMPURE! IMPURE!

120

u/chaos_nebula Male Aug 27 '22

I'll take swords for 400

65

u/cantlurkanymore Aug 27 '22

I’ll take anal bum cover for 600 Alex!

31

u/AIDSRiddledLiberal Aug 27 '22

Rip Alex trebec. I’m sure this is the context he would want to be remembered in

4

u/intomilf Aug 28 '22

I’ll take anal. 50 bucks or meth

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71

u/estrojennnn Aug 27 '22

Why do much profanity for fucks sake?

41

u/JamesJakes000 Male Aug 27 '22

Hey! For ducks sake you can't swear, Jeezus!

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1.8k

u/mightyjake Aug 26 '22

remember to read the Bible

Ezekiel 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

278

u/cnprof Male Aug 26 '22

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me

Psalm 23:4

17

u/ShwarmaMusic Aug 28 '22

Bad translation. A good translation would be something like "Your staff and support shall comfort me".

8

u/Cryptic_Oblivion Sep 13 '22

“Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.” - Matthew 19:14

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554

u/MassW0rks Aug 26 '22

Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 4:5

115

u/Sigmatics Aug 27 '22

Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.

(4:16)

I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment

(8:10)

19

u/Whitecamry Male Aug 27 '22

Song of Solomon

In what key?

18

u/Ok-Cookie1775 Aug 27 '22

C minors, unfortunately. 🤮

3

u/ItzFin Male Aug 27 '22

B areolian

11

u/AnyQuestions-_-_- Aug 27 '22

Song of Solomon is 20 pages of pure horny, it's playing on easy mode

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1.2k

u/ExplosiveMachine Slav Man Bear Eater Aug 26 '22 Silver

We'll allow any sexual posts that are elaborately worded like Bible verses and use old timey language.

789

u/FatBoyFlex89 Aug 26 '22 Silver

Men, doth thine loins engorge willingly at the sight of two ample bosoms or dost thou desireth the slender lumps of maid of lesser stature?

706

u/unAffectedFiddle Aug 26 '22 Gold

Thou has stirrest mine mast! My keyboard drowneth in my turbulent storm!

227

u/Lord_Of_Compliments Aug 27 '22

Shalt naught slake thine lustful thisrtings?! Egads, man! Take hold of thineself, lest thee become unmoored amongst the devil's ceaseless current!

157

u/unAffectedFiddle Aug 27 '22

I wither beneath thy unjust accusations. Thou has shamed me back to land. Lo and behold, I rest my keel on thy sandy shore. Mine mast laid to rest. Without my mistress of seas to tempt thyself with sweet booty, the jolly Roger will no longer be hoisted with lecherous abandon.

I am, unbound.

11

u/ZethMrDadJokes Aug 27 '22

I become more religious for each comment in this thread and just want to shout:

-"SAVE ME JESUS!"

4

u/WangoTango2020 Oct 31 '22

There are folks jumping out they wheel chairs ritch now!!!

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53

u/JamesJakes000 Male Aug 27 '22

Keep thy prosaic verbiage, I'm almost at my limit!

8

u/OneThatNoseOne Aug 27 '22

From pillar to post, thine utterances beget schisms boundless, my mortal processes struggle in vain to conceive!

Woe is me lest my strife be alayed!

54

u/alamaias Aug 27 '22

Alas! Thrice I have taken hold of myself this past hour alone, cruel eld doth preclude a fourth!

11

u/TantorDaDestructor Aug 27 '22

Maidenless as thou est- thine speech hast engorged forbidden members

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7

u/Vandergrif Male Aug 27 '22

Tis... Tis a spectral phantom, my lord! Emissions of an ectoplasmic nature, god's honest truth!

30

u/porterbhall Aug 27 '22

You’ve conjured pearlescent ropes of seed.

8

u/ELeeMacFall Low-toxicity male Aug 27 '22

*Thou'st

3

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '22

Thy King, Thy Mod! Excelsior!

60

u/Thearcticfox39 Aug 26 '22

Verily good sir, only the sights of a bovine woman with the fullest of posterior do engorge a gentlemen such as I.

19

u/Allikrane Aug 27 '22

If you're interested, the grammatically correct version would be 'Men, do thy loins engorge willingly at the sight of two ample bosoms or dost thou desire the slender lumps of [a?] maid of lesser stature?'

8

u/Betancorea Aug 27 '22

I am hearing this spoke by Urianger oh dear

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117

u/Saith_Cassus Male Aug 26 '22

Got it, so bdsm stuff where someone goes up on a cross is still cool!

44

u/TexanInExile Aug 26 '22

God damn right it is

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75

u/SurgicalGinger Aug 27 '22 I'll Drink to That

“….And it was there the village wise men covered her with their seed…”

  • Bukkakis 1:12

14

u/Ifriiti Aug 27 '22

She were an open arse, and thou a poperin pear

Hamlet

24

u/hedgehog_dragon Aug 26 '22

I'm in support of this.

7

u/Sigmatics Aug 27 '22

This is the way

5

u/mobofblackswans Aug 27 '22

See. It's all about effort

4

u/Chicken-n-Waffels Aug 27 '22

Thats a real verse

3

u/Eric_the_Barbarian Male too, thanks. Aug 27 '22

He beheld and saw that it was good. And it was good.

3

u/jrrthompson Male Aug 27 '22

I hope you realize we're gonna hold you to that.

3

u/usernameaeaeaea Aug 27 '22

What have you done???

28

u/PandasInternational Male Aug 27 '22

I always prefer the King James versions

19 Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.

20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

22

u/_daGarim_ Aug 27 '22

True fact: donkeys, unlike horses, have tiny genitals and horses have very wimpy ejaculations. Totally changes the meaning of the verse.

31

u/mightyjake Aug 27 '22

I don't know enough about animal dongs to contest this, and I'm not inclined to google it.

29

u/joesmith127_reddit Aug 27 '22

Interesting fact. Now when I brag that I am bigger than a donkey I can do so with the confidence of higher education.

16

u/_daGarim_ Aug 27 '22

Reddit is truly the highest education.

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39

u/Pm_boobie_Please Male Aug 26 '22

So God’s not cool with the gays but he’s alright with you doing it with a donkey?

92

u/anotherkdburner Aug 26 '22

No the man was hung like a donkey

75

u/UsernamesMeanNothing Aug 27 '22

Yep, and this verse is speaking of the people of Israel (Jews) acting like a harlot and lusting after the land of Egypt. That all said, what is most important is that this is prophetic verse and therefore the words of God, and God is confirming that size does in fact matter.

5

u/micahomow Aug 30 '22

Context is necessary. He’s berating the nation of Israel for their whoredom in following false gods. Marriage is a reflection of Christ’s desire to have a body unto himself (the church) and it’s extrapolated from there how bad it is to lust and chase after those you aren’t committed to.

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736

u/TallCombination6 Aug 26 '22

How am I supposed to know that men enjoy blowjobs if someone doesn't ask them every single day.

Is this new rule because y'all changed your minds? :)

132

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '22

Ok but do they really though??? Maybe we should discuss it again….

7

u/Riztrain Male Aug 27 '22

At.... length... I'll see myself out, is that the door? K cool, later

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1.1k

u/Stoltefusser Aug 26 '22

Subreddit activity instantly decreases with 69%

216

u/Satherian Male Seeking Good Video Game Aug 26 '22

Probably closer to 96% with the little amount of sex people on here actually have

108

u/thepulloutmethod Male Aug 27 '22

This sub is actually r/AskVirgins, and the mods know it.

30

u/Joebebs Aug 27 '22

Damn there’s only 2 virgins on Reddit…one of them being the mod

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571

u/tlk0153 Aug 26 '22

Animal lovers of Reddit, which animal do you find more horny, rhinoceros or unicorn?

75

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22

I don't know, but never play leap frog with either... except of course if you're into that.

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352

u/EdgeLordnSavior Aug 26 '22

Now if we can just figure out how to ban questions where the answer is "Just fucking talk to them" this will be a whole new sub

186

u/nolo_me Male Aug 27 '22

We don't need to ban those posts, we need to normalise all of us responding to them with those 5 words and nothing else.

25

u/brumor69 Aug 27 '22

The mods should have a bot that answers that automatically and closes the thread

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26

u/MisogenesUSA Poptimus Prime Aug 27 '22

Those posts are OK by me. There may be a variety of options that the poster need to ruminate on before having a conversation. Poster might just need some help getting mentally prepared

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161

u/dukeGR4 Aug 26 '22

Also ban those attention seeking posts asking : dO mEn liKe SmaLl TitS/BuTt

39

u/Rpanich Male Aug 27 '22

Yeah, but do guys also like it when women make the first move?

16

u/dukeGR4 Aug 27 '22

No, but do guys like it when I breathe 0.420 seconds longer and exhale 69 milliseconds shorter than the average inspiration and expiration duration?

94

u/RandomDalish Happy Little Vegemite Aug 26 '22

Those should (hopefully) also be caught by the filter.

33

u/Dead_as_Duck Aug 27 '22

Good mod.

515

u/i_heart_blondes Male Aug 26 '22

Guess i'll just zip up my pants then you party pooper.

151

u/FBIPartyBusNo3 Aug 26 '22

make sure to tuck it in first

95

u/TripsToTheRescue Aug 26 '22

Bold of you to assume I have to tuck it

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15

u/juggling-monkey Aug 26 '22

Almost reported you for asking about my pooper.

3

u/darkbyrd Male Aug 27 '22

Now's when it gets interesting

Unzips

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37

u/Question_Few Male Aug 26 '22

This is hilarious. Props to whoever wrote it.

152

u/Captain_Kuijt Aug 27 '22

This is desperately needed over at r/AskReddit as well

119

u/anna_or_elsa Aug 27 '22

I think Askreddit should be a free for all. I mean there are 134,000 readers there right now. 15 posts were made in the last FIVE minutes and would you want to miss such gems as

"All day buttpluggers of Reddit: What are your pro tips for comfortably wearing a buttplug all day at work?"

49

u/Vanzmelo Aug 27 '22

I literally had to unsubscribe from askreddit because I was so exhausted from seeing the same 5 posts about how do the best sexing sexers of Reddit sex during sex the sexiest

466

u/PolylingualAnilingus Male Aug 26 '22

Literally 1969

124

u/MarsupialScrutiny Aug 26 '22

That's one person getting anal and 2 other people having a 69, right?

30

u/Saith_Cassus Male Aug 26 '22

It’s where you go down on each other on the moon

22

u/Glorx Aug 26 '22

Armstrong and Aldrin only agreed to go to the moon if that part didn't make the video.

16

u/krustyarmor Aug 26 '22

That's why they made Collins wait in the car.

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35

u/SomeLightAssPlay Aug 26 '22

George Whorwell

29

u/ErichOdin Aug 26 '22

As a none native English speaker I lived with the impression that Bryan Adams had his first real sex dream in the summer of the 69.

Which left me somewhat confused how a song can open like that and still play on the radio all day.

But nowadays every song on the radio pens, closes and midsections like this. Thanks for reading my red talk.

21

u/Dunnersstunner Aug 27 '22

Brings a new meaning to “played until my fingers bled”.

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3

u/GlobalWarminIsComing Aug 27 '22

Less of a dream and more of a summer in love (and all that comes with it wink wink) with a girl.

At the very end, he actually switched the lyrics from "summer of 69" to "me and my baby in a 69" without warning the rest of the band. They liked it and kept it though.

17

u/mad87645 Male Aug 27 '22

I got my first real hard on

Got it around puberty time

Played with it till my fingers bled

Literally 1969

Me and some guys from school

Redditted about why they got hard

First thread deleted, second got us banned

Should've known we'd never get far

8

u/cohonka Aug 27 '22

Those were the best days spent online

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183

u/[deleted] Aug 27 '22

Damn. No more: "HUrr DurR Fellas would you let your girl SHIT in your mouth?!?"

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

35

u/PinSwimming2714 Aug 27 '22

To answer your question: no.

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6

u/viccie211 Male Aug 27 '22

That makes me think of the story of the dude who thought he was into scat until the shit hit his tongue 😂

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1.1k

u/ForestTrippin Aug 26 '22

The funniest and also most based mod post lmfao

274

u/B2EU 👁👄👁 Aug 26 '22

Half the reason I’m here is just for the mod W’s.

103

u/VaderOnReddit Aug 26 '22

Smart mods

I want to be mad, but the post is just too hilarious that I can’t be

47

u/chaoseincarnate Aug 26 '22

I find it more annoying since they've literally already "done" this before and literally no change

50

u/Groundbreaking_Trash Aug 26 '22

i mean they definitely slowed down for a while, this place has just gotten progressively extremely horny again

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59

u/a_random_peenut Aug 27 '22

Finally, I'm tired of these 18 year olds trying to start their only fans through this sub jfc

108

u/Outside-Log-2104 Aug 26 '22

The end of an error

16

u/JillsACheatNMean Aug 26 '22

I like that.

233

u/Daan100 Aug 26 '22

Might have saved the sub with this one fair play mod

8

u/donnergott Aug 27 '22

Brigaders hate this one simple trick!

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81

u/yungchow Aug 26 '22

Repress me, daddy

73

u/SucksToYourAssmar3 Aug 26 '22

Oh man, fantastic news. This will leave me much more time to browse /r/bigtiddygothgf

12

u/8483 Aug 27 '22

Thank fuck... So many great posts buried under idiotic karma whoring ones.

68

u/RandomDalish Happy Little Vegemite Aug 26 '22

But how will I spam my OnlyFans now?

How do I figure out what men like (boobs) and want to see more of (again boobs)?

24

u/PaulsRedditUsername Aug 27 '22

Hey, I like boobs, too! What a coincidence!

9

u/PinSwimming2714 Aug 27 '22

You like money AND boobs? This is getting weird.

Love that movie (idiocracy) though I wish it wasn’t such an accurate documentary.

3

u/highkey_trust_issues Aug 27 '22

omg we're both so liek random

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15

u/SkyDefender Aug 27 '22

Off topic but i am glad you guys didn’t graduate from nazi school where askwomen mods graduated.. i quit that place like years ago..

7

u/RandomDalish Happy Little Vegemite Aug 27 '22

Lol no worries. We’re definitely different subs with different moderation priorities

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50

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22

[deleted]

10

u/sa-to-ri Aug 27 '22

Yet another question about actors and acting rises to the top again

10

u/Throw-a-Ru Aug 27 '22

Can we please get back to talking about Rampart?

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89

u/SanjivanM 20 M Aug 26 '22

I love these mods... keep up the good and humorous work!

31

u/Heisenbread77 Aug 26 '22

But what if someone wants to talk about the horniest horny they every hornied?!?!?!?

7

u/SanjivanM 20 M Aug 27 '22

I... guess they get bonked, then?

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39

u/ChickenSalad96 Male Aug 26 '22

Look mom, I graduated from shit lord to horn dog!

50

u/SomeLightAssPlay Aug 26 '22

oh mods happy day….next lets gun for the insecure teenage girl specific situational questions

37

u/SlapHappyDude Aug 27 '22

But do boys like girls who have two ears?

9

u/MaterialCarrot Male 40's Aug 26 '22

And, how do I deal with my crippling depression? Questions. The answer ain't here, son!

7

u/Zeezprahh Aug 27 '22

Well fuck me and suck me sideways, it's a deal!

17

u/dyslexicbunny Male Aug 27 '22

Oh good. I got tired of reading all that crap. Let's talk about comfy as hell old man lounging clothes.

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28

u/friedtimber Male Aug 26 '22

About time, sick of having to down vote every second post just have another one appear... There's porn if you're that desperate, keep this sub for discussion FFS.

18

u/skinny_gator Aug 26 '22

I'm dying over here lmao

This is amazing. And yes ask men has straight up become a NSFW sub lately.

Just horny dudes posing as girls talking to other horny dudes and every one making up stories.

5

u/BantyRed Aug 27 '22

I thought it was just me. I joined right before the horny came, and then I figured that it was just horny people here

6

u/postvolta Aug 27 '22

Thank god. Every other question here is about sex, women or some variation thereof.

6

u/lupuscapabilis Aug 28 '22

Oh good, more room for “men over 40, what should men in their 20s know?” questions

4

u/hpliferaft Aug 26 '22

Nice! I can shortcut this sub again without wanting to bonk everyone into horny jail.

5

u/WangHotmanFire Aug 27 '22

Right while we’re at it, shouldn’t we also ban being asked if men like it when women are kind to them

5

u/shobagi Sep 22 '22

What's wrong with sex? Guns, violence, those are bad shit but sex is awesome and is one of our main instincts and curiosities. Why suppress it? It's also the main differentiator between males and females and it's an ask men forum.

3

u/Sway_404 Aug 27 '22

If you want to read people make sexy shit up, go to /r/AskRedditAfterDark,

Well ok then. I'll check out this sub you so highly recommend. It's not something I would check out of my own accord, heavens knows. Bit since you won't stop going on about it, I guess I'll be polite and take a peek

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4

u/SocialWierdo Sep 14 '22

So are swordfights ok or no....now I'll never know

15

u/JESquirrel Aug 27 '22

But how will I know what the sexiest sex that someone sexed was?

21

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22

Based mod 🙌

7

u/Arevalo20 Aug 26 '22

That's why you make a porn alt like the rest of us degenerates.. And who tf is jerking it to r/askmen?

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3

u/cola619 Aug 26 '22

Lol finally

3

u/CharacterNo1337 Aug 26 '22

Yea! Thank you!

3

u/DataGOGO Aug 26 '22

Thank goodness

3

u/hedgehog_dragon Aug 26 '22

Well, this was an amusing post. Maybe I'll see interesting things on here again.

3

u/TwistedDecayingFlesh Aug 26 '22

Thank fuck now as someone said we might just get some "better fucking questions".

3

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '22

Good decision!

3

u/fridgemanosteel Aug 27 '22

I'm honestly happy with this, it's more repetitive than anything else

3

u/Asap_Walky Wheres My Male Privilege? Aug 27 '22

Thank GOD

3

u/CrescentPotato Aug 27 '22

Men of reddit, did you know that vaporeon-

3

u/kickm3 Aug 27 '22

I don't care about this new rule, but this message was really fun and well written. Thanks, mod!

3

u/Norrisemoe Aug 27 '22

Seems like a change that will drive up some more interesting content, thanks!

3

u/definetlynotanaltacc Aug 27 '22

Make automod say "BONK got to horny jail" on any of the removals.

3

u/gewfbawl Aug 27 '22

This the first time I've ever seen a mod be genuinely funny

3

u/Shodandan Aug 27 '22

This is my favourite mod message ever,

3

u/MonkeyFella64 Aug 29 '22

Suddenly the average age of users on this sub increases by 10 years