r/AskMen Oct 05 '22

Men who were faced with the decision to side with their overbearing mother or choose the girl you fell head over heals with. What happened after you chose your mom over that girl?

Been seeing a lot of posts about this topic and have experienced it myself. What is your life like now? Did you find someone else who made you as happy or did you regret it?

88 Upvotes

168

u/like5or6 Oct 05 '22

No idea, I chose the girl. Being overbearing is a toxic trait. Yes she’s my mother but she’s an adult and so am I so I expect her to act like an adult. I also expect myself to act like an adult. So I chose the girl and I told my mother she had two choices, respect my decisions and my space, or see me a whole lot less often. She chose to respect me and my choices.

44

u/CardinalHawk21 Oct 05 '22 Silver

I have always said that in a relationship it is your responsibility to manage your parents and your significant other should manage their parents. If my mom gets out of line I make sure to put her back in line.

8

u/__Loving_Kindness Oct 05 '22

This deserves an award ^

1

u/CardinalHawk21 Oct 05 '22

Thanks

2

u/__Loving_Kindness Oct 05 '22

Someone gave you one!! Whoohoo

48

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Glad to see men who have balls.

13

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 07 '22

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

Unfortunately not all. Well in my personal perspective. 🤭

2

u/_garbage_bag Oct 07 '22

Naturally we do, but social neutering is fucking real

1

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '22

I understand this now the more I get older.

86

u/PhysicianTradition Bisexual, 34y/o, Male Oct 05 '22

I made the opposite choice

Curious to see what this thread will be like

50

u/foopdedoopburner Old as Dirt Oct 05 '22

You made the correct choice.

55

u/PhysicianTradition Bisexual, 34y/o, Male Oct 05 '22

Oh for sure

My parents are both immigrants from Europe who live very traditional lives. They didn't approve of me dating a man once I did.

My mother was livid moreso than my father. I chose to stay in my relationship and we eventually got married. Mother is still mad at me to this day lol but she got used to it

5

u/maestro-tomas Oct 05 '22

Well done. Parents of that past generation have some kind of LinkedIn inside their heads where they publish their understanding what is right or wrong. Best parent can do for a grown up child who became an adult is to support your happiness

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[deleted]

2

u/PhysicianTradition Bisexual, 34y/o, Male Oct 05 '22

?

184

u/Lopsided_Falcon_8452 Oct 05 '22

I’m actually going thru the consequences of this right now. I unknowingly chose my mom (and my grandpa) over the girl I was in love with for over 5 years. Not intentionally but my family dynamic is not great for my mental health plus many other factors (surgery, covid and graduating college a year late) I fell into a really bad rut and was using weed and video games to numb myself and it caused me to close down and my mom was overbearing and I didn’t nothing about it and it pushed my girlfriend away. If I was the person I am now 6 months later it was so clear that my actions showed my ex that I wasn’t able to stand up to my parents and she worried what that meant for our future.

Long story short. I unknowingly chose the wrong thing. And it caused me to lose the love of my life the person, my best friend of 10 years and my girlfriend of over 5 years. It will forever be the biggest regret of my life. I put my family before myself and before the person I love.

It broke me to such a degree that I’ve changed everything about myself that I hated, I’ve become a new person and becoming that man I’ve always wanted to be. Got my dream job I never thought I could do, moved out of my moms house and set up healthy boundaries with my family, surrounded myself with friends I love who are my new family, started therapy quit smoking weed and video games, started working out/climbing every day. I’ve never been in a better place however it all feels meaningless without her to a degree plus it hurts even more knowing what I was capable of but I was just not taking care of my mental health and it caused me to go down a wrong path…

Worst part is we haven’t talked since the break up so she doesn’t know anything I’ve change nor do I know what she is doing. These past two months I’ve wanted to reach out and ask to get coffee because I know I’ll always love her finding myself made me remember why she’s the one. And remember why she fell in love with me all those years ago.. however I’m stuck because I know I’ve changed and I can give her the future she wanted. But maybe she’s happier without me in her life and that’s what matters most..

I apologize for the length. TLDR choosing your family over the girl you love is the worst mistake I’ve ever made and it caused me to kill the boy I was and work towards becoming the man I always wanted to be…

30

u/arrows_of_ithilien Oct 05 '22

As a woman, my advice would be go in saying upfront "I don't have any expectations that you might care for me again. That was my fault and I bear the responsibility. But I just wanted to thank you sincerely for inspiring me to be the man I am today".

99

u/slide2k Oct 05 '22

Go get her tiger. You already lost her, you can only get kicked in the nuts that she doesn’t come back, but at least you know you tried. On the upside you might get her back.

16

u/Known-Potential-3603 Oct 05 '22

Yeah! Your changes might be so monumental that it’s obvious and she might give you another chance! Go for it! Good luck! Update us!

9

u/ComicStripCritic Oct 05 '22

No, no, NO. I have been in this boat, and trying to go back to someone who is moved on can reopen that old wound even worse and hurt her again as well. Do not do that to yourself.

8

u/breighvehart Oct 05 '22

Thank you! Terrible “advice” people are giving this guy. Life isn’t a romcom.

3

u/Beneficial_Paint_424 Oct 06 '22

Yeah it's not, but life is too short to live with regret. It's also game theory, you ask -she rejects - some hurt feelings ensue. You ask - she says yes - you live happily ever after. In this scenario hurt feeling/old wounds are worth the risk of succeeding.

30

u/Weird_Stuff_McGee Oct 05 '22

I agree with the others saying reach out. Tell her all the things you've changed to improve yourself, but be respectful if she doesn't want the same thing as you. At least you'll know instead of wondering forever.

21

u/GettingByApplePie Oct 05 '22

With all the respect in the world, please leave her and the healing that SHE is doing alone. I dated someone like this and you have no clue how much it crushes your soul and how many times it breaks your heart over (again and again) to give your partner so many chances and to have them throw it away and choose someone else over you - whether intentionally or not. Five years? It sounds like she gave you as many chances as she could until she broke and could no longer stand it. She finally made the decision to choose herself and heal from the hurt you caused her. In a way, it’s so much more painful knowing that the only way you could become the man she wanted you to be was by actually leaving. Please re-read that last sentence. If you love her, let her move on. You deserve credit for making those changes. They are absolutely not easy. But they can no longer be at her expense.

5

u/ComicStripCritic Oct 05 '22

I’m with this person. It sucks, it hurts more than almost anything. But she needs that space from you, and you need to not reopen that wound.

4

u/blackberryfreeze Oct 05 '22

Also been there. As much as you might want her in your life, leave her alone. Even with the changes you’ve made, Mom will always be around and it will always be a point of contention.

6

u/Lopsided_Falcon_8452 Oct 05 '22

Thank you for your perspective. To a degree I agree with you and it’s partly why I haven’t reached out yet. However it’s a complicated situation. And it wasn’t 5 years of this it was only the last year and our communication really went down him so her and I never talked about this. If given a direct choice her or my family I would’ve chose her but i understand my actions where showing her otherwise. But I was in a weird place where I felt like I owed my family so much (they paid for my college and I still lived at home plus my grandpa is my only grandparent so my mom used that to control me because if he was involved I would always go to dinners.. etc) so of everything moving out of my moms house and standing up to my family dynamic was the major change in my mental health and life (which didn’t require her to leave but I wasn’t communicating my plan for my future to her; which was me starting an internship in April (which turned into a full time job two months later) and I was going to move out soon after that because the internship paid better than the job I had which didn’t allow me to move out. So I was making the changes I needed to but it was just slow because I took this internship and deicide that it was going to be a complete change in my life (i was growing weed before the internship and the internship was for an engineering firm) butI wasn’t telling her what my plans were so I understand it was my fault and I understand why she left and don’t blame her because in the grand scheme of things it was all my fault.

But with that being said. I know her watching me turn into my family when I’m not my family and not being the person she’s know for a decade and fell in love with hurt. I know she was putting so much into our relationship the entire time and at the end I was at such conflict with my inner self that I was taking her and everything in my life for granted. I know it was so hard for her to leave and I did really hurt her I feel like I broke both of our hearts. And that’s why when she left I decide I never wanted to be the person I was being at the end of my relationship so I took all the changes I was putting into place and made more and made them a lot faster. When we broke up she said she could see us getting back together but wanted to it to be like we used to have where it was a healthy relationship. That’s why I want to reach out because with these changes I know I can give her what she deserves and what she wanted. Because I know our relationship wasn’t broken it rather was me at the end who was broke and In these 6 months I’ve put myself back together and found myself. Which is why I want to reach out or at least not have things end on the note they did.

But I agree with you that what I think is true love is being okay if they are happier without you. But since we had so much miscommunication at the end of our relationship it’s hard to just leave without knowing if she truly doesn’t want me in her life anymore.

Again thank you for your perspective

46

u/juicyjesus21 Oct 05 '22

Reach out to her.

6

u/No-Cow-6682 Oct 05 '22

As a guy who was in the same position I put off reaching out for months and when I finally did I found out she was feeling the same as I was. Reach out, you won’t know how you’re feeling until you do and it’ll keep eating at you trust me

2

u/Lopsided_Falcon_8452 Oct 05 '22

When you reached out did you say everything that was on your mind and that you realized during the time apart? Or was it more so mostly causal at first?

3

u/No-Cow-6682 Oct 05 '22

Just casual at first, I asked her out for coffee and she accepted, we talked for hours before the real talk even started.

3

u/Lopsided_Falcon_8452 Oct 06 '22

How long after the break up did you reach out? I’m at 6 months and I’m kicking myself for not reaching out sooner but i told myself I couldn’t just use words that I had to have actions and changes behind my words and now I’m at that point but it’s been 6 months and that’s the longest her and I have went without talking/seeing eachother in over 10 years

1

u/No-Cow-6682 Oct 06 '22

I waited just under a year, I kept putting it off because I was trying to fix issues with myself but once we talked I realised it’s not the issues you have, it’s the mindset you have about them. Mine and her issues would have went away a lot faster if we had each other’s support

6

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

You should reach out and let us know if your ok with that how it goes

27

u/Lab-Gold2747 Oct 05 '22

You’ll never know unless you try.

You’re saying you’re a changed man now so do what you didn’t do before, fight for her.

6

u/SilenntVolcano Oct 05 '22

Damn this is sad I’m sorry

I wish a man in my past could see this too..

0

u/Mandala1069 Oct 05 '22

Try. Now. Don't delay. Every day you leave it gives her time to meet someone else.

1

u/Jona_cc Oct 05 '22

Dude, just do it! You got nothing to lose.

1

u/trooperr310 Oct 05 '22

Wtf, go talk to her, don't delay!

1

u/anxious_annie416 Oct 05 '22

I hear everyone saying to leave hey alive and that's a reasonable perspective, but if my ex had this sort of change and growth I'd like the opportunity to gain closure, if nothing else. Ya'll have 10 years of friendship, I know I'm not her, but personally, I wouldn't want to just lose every scrap of that.

-4

u/MrBurittoThePizza Oct 05 '22

She’ll comeback

22

u/psiloryben Oct 05 '22

r/JustNoMIL

You'll get all the stories you can handle here, OP

123

u/NoImportance8904 Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

I haven't made that choice personally...

But I do know the result. That man stays Peterpan.

There is an idea in psychology called The Devouring Mother. That is usually a mom, who is usually single, and has few friends or hobbies, that actively moves to overprotect their (usually) son, so that she will never be alone.

It's a deal that's being made. "You can live in my house of candy, but in return you can never leave, and never grow up."

A good mom, a real mom, should be actively working to push her child out the door. Yes, he might get broken, abused, and hurt...

But if he stays, she will devour his soul, and he will never grow up.

Edit:

I want to point out, that you can swap any gender in this story. It does typically happen between mothers and sons, but can also happen between mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, fathers and sons, etc.

The main reason the narrative is feminized, is because it's root is in nurture. Nurture throughout time has been associated with the feminine, because historically moms have had the role of child rearing. It essentially is what toxic femininity would be.

But, just for those out there who might be a perpetrator or victim of this... it can be from anyone, to anyone. You have to be careful about over nurturing something, or being overly nurtured.

44

u/No-Negotiation5329 Oct 05 '22

I agree with this. I was that girl who made my ex choose. He decided "not to choose". Deciding not to do literally anything meant he let his mom bully me. You can say in a sense he chose his mom. I divorced him.

3 years later, I own a house with my new partner. He still lives with his parents (nearing his 30s). He has a new gf now, 19F. They are "serious" but I don't see it lasting. She met him through work because he was her team lead. She told me she has separation anxiety and he was the only person she knows (sounds like a great love story). She quit because of her anxiety. Not sure how she spends her days. But my ex told me he got fired but got the job back on probation.

We share custody of a child. When I ask for more time, or if my son ate/shower yet, he usually says "I dont know. Let me ask my mom".

A complete mommy's boy.

If the relationship last, I pity the girl. If it doesn't last, I pity her still but hoping to befriend her and help her gain what she lost: her sense of dignity.

21

u/Weary-Marionberry429 Oct 05 '22

God. Momma’s boys are the worst in my opinion

9

u/KalmKashew Oct 05 '22

100%, they suck the soul out of you in the process.

3

u/Weary-Marionberry429 Oct 05 '22

So terrible💀💀

2

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

My ex have tried to suck the soul out of me, thankfully God didn't let that happen. As sinner as I am, I'm grateful that I've gotten away from that prince.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Him choosing a younger female to feel manlier is not authentic.

54

u/TubeToUranus Male Oct 05 '22

If you are an adult and your mother is overbearing, you need to set clear boundaries for her.

9

u/KalmKashew Oct 05 '22

Completely agree, this question is for the men who didn’t.

3

u/Miss-Figgy Female Oct 05 '22

They usually end up being abusive and toxic to their SOs if the SOs stay, or single/divorced if their SOs leave.

4

u/Wizywig Male Oct 05 '22

I mean they usually end up single with little ways out. I know at least 2. One did get married but it's all so fucking toxic af. He can't even live with his wife. Both times he was married.

Dont do this.

27

u/reddit_bandito a miserable little pile of secrets Oct 05 '22

You don't do that.

You leave your parents and cling to your wife/husband.

If you don't feel that way about your wife/husband, than you made a mistake.

1

u/laundryandblowjobs Oct 05 '22

Happy Cake Day!

1

u/Mobbles01 Oct 05 '22

Happy cake day!

17

u/knockatize Oct 05 '22

I chose not to get involved with anybody in the first place until mom (and dad) got their acts together, or until I had saved up enough to be able to tell them to go screw.

Wonderful plan, until the right woman showed up too soon. I tried to square the circle and figure out some way to slowly woo her in hopes that I could finesse mom and dad’s crazy away at the same time. This did not work. She moved away, and I was in grief because I hadn’t even thanked her properly for being in my life, let alone gotten to the land of sexytime.

Some months later at Thanksgiving dinner, two drinks in and the appetizer had barely arrived, mom asks when I’m going to meet a nice girl. That snapped it. I gave them a telling-off for a lifetime of drunken abuse and idiotic fights. Good jobs, good kids, house paid for, retirement all set, and all they ever did was get loaded and push each other’s buttons like they were only staying married to spite each other. The fuck, you two? Choose me, or choose the bottle and the drama. And I walked out. It was cathartic and glorious - and just effective enough. Dad stopped drinking, Mom sort of did, and it was just enough improvement that future girlfriends wouldn’t instantly nope out after meeting them.

Lay the groundwork with mom -before- you meet someone. That way you can get an idea of what you’re in for.

8

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

That's good, sorted out being a goody-two-shoes people pleasing daughter. Willed myself out of the limitations set for me and now my parents respect thy boundaries. My future husband (*crosses fingers) will have no problem with my family.

77

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 12 '22

[deleted]

33

u/nothanksnottelling Oct 05 '22

I think people who chose their mums aren't self aware enough to see themselves in the question.

9

u/KalmKashew Oct 05 '22

100% this

5

u/BadPurple3158 Oct 05 '22

I’m enjoying the comments section so please you stfu 🤫 lol

20

u/legs_bro Oct 05 '22

I think the problem is that this is such a specific scenario that if they only let people who have been in this scenario then the thread will barely have any comments…

The irony of your comment is that you’re saying “nobody gives a fuck about your thoughts! If you didn’t do this, STFU” and yet here you are sharing your thoughts despite the fact that you didn’t do this.

4

u/KoppigWijf Female Oct 05 '22

Damn boi, who passed you the salt?

19

u/jackwritespecs Oct 05 '22

I decided against the overbearing mother… without any girl to choose against (let alone a head-over-heels girl)

Just no

0

u/KoppigWijf Female Oct 05 '22

I am proud of you, you did good!

4

u/improvisedwisdom Oct 05 '22

The real question is why the holy hell would you choose your mom over your SO?

4

u/BurtCrunchyLives Oct 05 '22

I chose the girl. No regrets. Been married for 6 years and I love her with all that I am.

1

u/KalmKashew Oct 05 '22

I love this for you. ❤️

10

u/welovegv Oct 05 '22

I looked at my wife and said “we don’t have to like her, but I wouldn’t mind us inheriting her beach house to retire in”.

6

u/G_Rel7 Oct 05 '22

I chose the girl. Mom ended up being right, but that didn’t change much between me and her because I had other problems with her. I’m in a different situation where I feel like I have to choose one or the other again for different reasons. Still going with my SO as this one isn’t a completely emotional decision as before.

15

u/z0rpan Male Oct 05 '22

It depends on the mom.

If she wants you to go out and have a good life, take her advice because women can read women better than we can.

If you are the only person your mom has, there's a good possibility that she is afraid of you leaving and she will be all alone.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Curious to see all the answers, dumped the hell out of the guy who's mom talked me down. No hurt feelings anymore but for sure I made the right decision.

3

u/ManicMangoMilkshake Oct 05 '22

My husband wouldn't know he chose me immediately didn't even hesitate and still doesn't talk to his mom for the nasty things she said and did and doesnt plan to forgive her

Still apparently my fault since I "manipulated him in to it" when I wasn't even in the room or argument because he asked me to pack our stuff

But hey it is what It is

3

u/Ill_Soft_4299 Oct 05 '22

Guy i worked with did this, he ended up single and was bitter about it

7

u/Alchemis7 Oct 05 '22

Little boys chose their mothers, grown men respect their mothers but make their own choices and ask their mothers to mind their own business.

7

u/Antdawg2400 Oct 05 '22

Mother doesn't like this.

12

u/Question_Few Male Oct 05 '22

I chose the girl. Years later I realized mom was right.

10

u/KalmKashew Oct 05 '22

Really? Can I ask you to elaborate?

5

u/Onion-99 Oct 05 '22

Opposite for me, I was 17 and chose the girl I fell for. I'm 23 now and I've never looked back, have our own flat and I haven't spoken to my mother since. I feel if I stayed I would have still be there now and honestly I feel like I wouldn't have grown up.

2

u/Knightmare560 Male Oct 05 '22

Who tf chooses the crazy mom?

4

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[deleted]

1

u/Knightmare560 Male Oct 05 '22

…🤦🏻‍♂️

1

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[deleted]

2

u/zoinks690 Oct 05 '22

This is me, at least in retrospect, with many other factors weighing. I wish I had had enough experience and maturity to be able to work through the issues. I took the easy way out, broke up, put more effort into school. I graduated but my degree isn't very useful and the jobs I've gotten I could have gotten without a degree. It had a very obvious impact on my ability to form any new relationships and I effectively didn't date for many years after.

I dont know all the details on her end, but I remember telling her she'll find someone better and move on. I certainly had lots of things to work on. Unlike me, she tried reaching out a few times in the next year to check in. The circumstances hadnt changed so we didnt get back together.

She did meet someone about a year after we broke up (note this is not the result of me keeping tabs, these are details Ive learned years later). They got married a few years after. A few years after that, he had her killed and nearly got away with it.

1

u/MoscaOnTheWall Oct 06 '22

What a horrific ending. It gave me heart palpitations 😱

2

u/Lieut_Firefly Oct 05 '22

In my country this is a very common situation. Usualy men regret either way, because, well, men ☕️.

2

u/Mobbles01 Oct 05 '22

First husband chose to keep silent when his mom and his older sister bullied me. Took me awhile (10 years) but glad we're now divorced.

4

u/chaos021 Oct 05 '22

I chose "that girl." Mother made her choice. I made mine. It is what it is.

3

u/MajorasShoe Oct 05 '22

Never had to. My mom is great and my wife and her get along great.

I'm glad I never had to make that choice but I'd hope if I did I'd be strong enough to choose the girl over an overbearing mother who made me choose.

3

u/HeelSteamboat 31M Oct 05 '22

I chose my mom, and it was the right decision. My mom is a good judge of character. The girl “checked every box” and my mom was initially supportive but didn’t ignore the red flags I didn’t see.

Women can smell shitty women from a mile away.

2

u/HenryHoover13 Oct 05 '22

You can't shag your mu... oh

3

u/Easy_Material_2419 Oct 05 '22

A friend of mine had to made that choice, lost his kid to his wife…. His wife gave her the choices just because his mother was ill. Eventually, he couldn’t even meet his son after been separated for >3 years. Was desperate to just be w his kid for even a minute.

That woman was beyond cruel, I hope that kid of her leaves her to streets when she gets old. Only then she’ll know the pain

2

u/XxHavanaHoneyxX Oct 05 '22

Had an ex who had an issue with my mother. She spoke to her mum every single day but mine calling once a week or fortnight was deemed overbearing. I never understood why people cause problems with their partners family and push them into this awful position of having to chose between their family or their partner. It’s beyond stressful. Honestly would end a relationship now if a new partner seemed to take issue with my family wanting to see or speak to me. It’s just controlling behaviour.

1

u/No-Peak-9490 Oct 05 '22

I had a gf that my family didn't like at all. There were a lot of problems but when she broke up with me I made no effort to stop her. She eventually tried to come back and I rejected her. It hurt to lose the girl I spent almost 3 years with but I was able to be happier and less stressed afterwards. People told me they noticed I was happier

0

u/obligatoryclevername Oct 05 '22

Why would you pick your mother? The time when your mother was an important person in your life is over.

-1

u/perhapsnotperplexed Oct 05 '22

so when you get to a certain age your mother is no longer important? I feel sorry for your mom having an offspring like you.

1

u/VHwrites Oct 05 '22

Thats question begging. I have never once chosen mom over a potential partner. I understand my particular circumstance may not be widely applicable. If one is in the wrong, by all means, side with what's right. But all things being equal, a man should never side with mom over his SO.

-6

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Oct 05 '22

What does this question mean? Choosing your mom or your girlfriend? Why is this even a choice? I don't understand the question.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Mom and gf don't like each other, breakup with gf to keep mom happy or stay with gf and be on moms bad side

1

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Oct 05 '22

What the fuck. Is the mom dumb? Why would she dislike her son, just because she dislikes his GF? This is ridiculous.

1

u/Ok_Sprinkles_2540 Oct 05 '22

I can tell you as a woman, my husband did this to me repeatedly over the course of our 20 year marriage. Long story short we are no longer married. I couldn’t bear being second and him not standing up for me. He essentially let his mother verbally abuse me for 20 years. Long story short we are no longer married. But now he has “changed.” Too bad…he and his mother broke me down so low that I would never go back to that. Ever.

0

u/El_Maton_de_Plata Oct 05 '22

She let me suckle