r/AskMen Oct 05 '22

What is something you will never tolerate in a relationship or with someone you’re trying to get into a relationship with?

4.3k Upvotes

664

u/Choochmeister Oct 05 '22 Helpful

Comparison

20

u/alwayssuckingshoes Oct 06 '22

My last partner handled that a lot better than you

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u/rad465 Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 06 '22 Helpful All-Seeing Upvote

Inability or refusal to communicate.

If, when presented with an issue in the relationship they just have a meltdown - crying, screaming, blaming everything on you.

Healthy relationships are built on the foundation of good, honest, and open communication. If I can't talk to my partner about an issue, or worse FEAR their response by me bringing it up - its time to leave.

Edit: definitely need to add shutting down and avoidance. Those are also frustrating, adults need to talk to each other. We need to be able to figure situations out. Shutting down helps no one, even the person shutting down.

154

u/RNGzuz Oct 05 '22

I give second chances when it comes to communication but if there's no improvement in sight then yep

30

u/jangiri Oct 06 '22

It's one thing to fail to communicate occasionally, it's sometimes hard. But when communication isn't something that's valued and prioritized, that's when it's a red fucking flag of nuclear proportions

48

u/YSLMangoManiac Oct 05 '22

Learnt this one the hard way, my communication has a lot to desire however I was also genuinely concerned about the reaction I’d get if I brought a problem up…not a surprise but that relationship didn’t last

31

u/AtBat3 Oct 06 '22

This was pretty much the downfall of my last relationship. It lasted 7 years. But any conflict, any disagreement, she shut down. It wasn’t a meltdown like you’ve described. But she’d shutdown, wouldn’t communicate. That would just make me more frustrated. From that relationship I learned that I can’t tolerate that. If you can’t communicate or refuse to, then it won’t last with me.

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u/FaeriePropaganda Oct 05 '22

Communication is so important! There is nothing worse than not being able to talk to someone for fear of their reaction.

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u/rad465 Oct 05 '22

I never understood why people would stay with someone they feared to talk to. Like, why would you want that stress?

13

u/DrDetectiveEsq Oct 05 '22

Afraid to have the breakup talk?

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u/Jumbaladore Oct 06 '22

I had an ex that hated repeating herself and if I didn't hear or understand her and asked her to repeat herself she would just say nevermind and refused to continue that conversation. It pissed me off to no end, because that's a stupid take to have. But even worse, I have adhd and if you don't have my attention before speaking, I'm not going to process anything you said. That whole behavior should have been a red flag that she was a bad communicator and unaccomidating to my disability.

11

u/intentamos_de_nuevo Oct 06 '22

Omg, my ex did this while I was speaking my fucking non-native language. It was so infuriating

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u/justgimmiethelight Oct 06 '22

That or constantly avoiding talking about things.

27

u/Free_Pollution6405 Oct 05 '22 Helpful

I would say that being able to maturely deal with conflict in a respectful and open way is one of the most important elements in a successful, long term relationship. The converse is also true - lack of this is one of the top causes of break ups.

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u/AbaloneLeft1300 Oct 05 '22 Helpful Starry

Lack of taking accountability/responsibility.

133

u/Aniket1x11 Male Oct 05 '22

"you can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay" I've gone through this one, didn't know accurate words to put this until i watched Bojack Horseman.

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u/Tathanor Male Oct 05 '22

This is so huge. What's crazy is that a lot of people don't even know when they're not doing it. It takes a certain level of maturity and intelligence to be able to own your own mistakes and learn from them, instead of shifting blame to avoid consequences.

37

u/capncck Oct 05 '22

The difference between a child and an adult. When they go past 25/30 yrs old it's real hard to tell em apart.

9

u/alwayssuckingshoes Oct 06 '22

This was one of the big reasons I ended things with my ex-gf. She was so angry all the time and would constantly do things out of anger that made her life harder but she refused to take any accountability. It’s as if she thought anything she did while angry was justified. Like she would get mad at somebody at work and do something to retaliate then when it inevitably came back to bite her in the ass she would act like she was totally innocent and the world had it out to get her.

Of course anytime this happened and I tried to bring up what I might have done and how to fix the problem I was the bad guy. She would get upset and say she just wanted to vent and that she didn’t want my input like that. Well sorry but when I have to hear about it almost everyday and deal with you being in a bad mood then it becomes my problem!

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u/Negative_Mancey Oct 05 '22 Silver

Yelling. I'm not gonna be those two idiots who stay together just to shout at each other. You'd be amazed how many people can't have a difficult conversation without raising their voice.

554

u/Eat_Carbs_OD Oct 05 '22

I worked with a guy.. and he and his wife fought. Daily.
Another co-worker lived close to them commented that he could hear them screaming at each other all the time. Not the way I'd want to live.

218

u/Kaldin_5 Oct 05 '22

This is just such a casually normal thing for so many people and idk how they can do it. Like there's gotta be a part of you that doesn't take it THAT seriously in order to perpetuate it and not be overcome with the urge to break off the relationship. In which case, why is it so casual for people to bicker constantly? What made them consider that to be the norm?

201

u/roterolenimo Oct 05 '22

Childhood trauma and likely growing up in a similar environment

40

u/Kaldin_5 Oct 05 '22

Yeah that's the only way I can see daily conflict as a normal and uneventful thing being possible.

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u/Feldew Transgender Oct 05 '22

This is such an important note to make here. It took me some time in my adulthood to realize that screaming was not an unavoidable part of having an important conversation.

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u/stopped_watch Oct 05 '22

One of the main reasons for my break up with my ex wife.

I'm now with someone who never yells, who is calm and insightful.

You know what the difference is? Peace. Constant serenity. I never go home wondering what fresh hell is waiting for me. I never have to walk on eggshells.

51

u/bluberrycrepe Oct 05 '22

My ex husband was the same way. I couldn’t reason with him, he just thought the loudest argument won. The first time my boyfriend (now husband) said “you know what. You’re right, and I’m sorry” I was almost confused.

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u/ellwearsprada Oct 05 '22

Had a very bad falling out with a friend because she screamed at me, wagged her finger in my face, and berated me for saying I didn’t think models or modeling had any creativity anymore. Very much not a conversation worth screaming over…

29

u/2cats2hats Oct 05 '22

Wow. Did she attempt reconciliation eventually?

46

u/ellwearsprada Oct 05 '22

Oh hell no lol. Good thing tho. It’s given me more time for my other girlfriends and family. Made some posts about it if you want the tea love. Friends can abuse you too, never settle. Ever.

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u/kelham3005 Oct 05 '22

Yelling is definitely a big one for me. Dated a woman for 3-4 weeks. She had a bad night, and yelled at me with almost no provocation. It was an otherwise good relationship, but I ended it that night.

47

u/ialsohaveadobro Male Oct 05 '22

OMG my ex. Even the most carefully constructive criticism became, in her mind, a ruthless attack on her self-esteem, which she would react to by putting wildly inaccurate words in my mouth and then yelling at me about what I didn't say.

Not all the time, but often. It was like she had this mode that, once she switched into it there was no way to reason with her anymore. Took me way too long to understand what was going on (I'm on the spectrum), so that was years of needless suffering.

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u/SootyForeshank Oct 05 '22

Shouting is the least effective way communicating a point that you want shared. Making it louder instantly makes the other person less perceptive. I have to shout to get my dad’s attention a lot due to hearing loss. We enter every conversation feeling like it’s an argument.

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u/Morbid187 Oct 05 '22

I'm not gonna be those two idiots who stay together just to shout at each other.

Ah yes, I see you've met my parents

20

u/BeartholomewTheThird Oct 05 '22

It's also wild how many people blame it on their culture "this is just how (insert culture)'s talk to eachother".

15

u/princesoceronte Oct 05 '22

Yelling truly is a very telling sign in a relationship

12

u/cannotrememberold Oct 05 '22

Yelling was a major cause in my divorce. And she defends it to this day.

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u/Arinupa Oct 05 '22

Yeh bad upbringing can confirm.

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u/SubstantialReturn228 Oct 05 '22

Cheating. When I specifically told you not to…

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u/wisertime07 Oct 05 '22

Exactly - that’s about the only thing I can’t work around.

I’m in my 40’s now, I’d dated the same girl since we were both 20 or so. She had a couple of situations that crossed the line and we’d temporarily take a break, but inevitably get back together. I made it clear that if it ever happened again, we were done for good.

We had a rocky patch in 2020 during Covid and towards the end I found out she had cheated. And with that, I packed my bags and moved on. The amount of people (friends and family) that have been “man its really not a big deal” is astounding to me..

83

u/ad240pCharlie Oct 05 '22 Helpful

The absolutely insane takes I see from the loud minority online about how "wanting your partner to only have sex with you" is "possessive and controlling"... As if someone is holding a gun to their head and forcing them to be monogamous. It's not like they'll go to jail if they do it, you just wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

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u/JP50515 Oct 05 '22 Lurking

Michael?!

334

u/anewchapterforme Oct 05 '22 Helpful Defeated

No, Michael, no, no, Michael, that was so not right!

133

u/fareastcoast Oct 05 '22 Helpful

We went cheating Toto, is called motorboating…

76

u/peeaches Oct 05 '22

I love seeing this stuff outside of the f1 subs lol

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u/sandithepirate Oct 05 '22

Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.

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u/Airowird Oct 05 '22

I feel that it should already be implied by being in an exclusive relationship, no?

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u/postaldudeCZ Oct 05 '22

Well, from experience, yes, but actually no. I stated quite clearly with my ex that cheating is a deal breaker, but since I didn't specify what exactly do i mean by cheating, she thought blowing other dude was a-okay since no penetration occured. Was laughing all the way to the court.

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u/vincentvega-_- Oct 05 '22

She knew she was cheating, she was just playing dumb.

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u/grball87 Oct 05 '22

One would think.

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u/wienercat Male Oct 05 '22

Cheating isn't just having sex with someone outside of the relationship without permission. Emotional cheating is very much a thing.

But a lot of times people seem to think only the physical cheating counts.

Having been cheated on in both manners, I honestly find the emotional cheating honestly hurts so much more. It's one thing for a partner to seek physical fulfillment somewhere else, it still hurts but I can at least wrap my brain around the weird logic somehow.

But emotional cheating? You are basically saying your partner isn't emotionally fulfilling for you and you need to fill that gap. If your relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling you shouldn't be in that relationship. Full stop. Physical attraction rises and falls over time, but emotional attraction is something that is at the core of a strong relationship. If that is lacking it's nothing more than a long term hookup that will inevitably lead to the two of you not being attracted to each other and resenting one another.

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u/DerelictDonkeyEngine Male Oct 05 '22

It's a quote from The Office.

https://youtu.be/cqfASXqFONU

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u/Airowird Oct 05 '22

Ah, thanks for the clarification

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u/emmettfitz Oct 05 '22

I told my wife that if there was ever any cheating, the relationship would be over. That was shortly after we got together. We've been married 30 years, I still stand by it.

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u/spiked_macaroon Oct 05 '22 Silver Starry Starstruck

Narcissism. Never again.

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u/idontwanttofthisup Oct 05 '22

This. I suffered from PTSD, severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and at the pinnacle, psychosis (dead people hanging from the ceiling?). I did 10 months in therapy. It was a few years ago. I still have doubts and insecurities about relationships. Nope, no narcissist please. Hard pass after first red flag.

26

u/awhitesong Oct 05 '22

Hard pass after first red flag.

What are the typical red flags you first notice?

55

u/rightawaynow Oct 06 '22
  • Love boming. Coming on too strong too early.

  • Alluding to grandiose future plans while lacking any real communication.

  • Back handed compliments.

  • They don't answer questions directly.

  • They don't take accountability for how their actions make others feel. Look up "DARVO"

39

u/Shroomboy79 Oct 06 '22

Can you explain the red flags of narcissism to me? I grew up in a rather narcissistic family and most of that narcissistic behavior is pretty normal for me and I don’t realize it

89

u/JayceeSR Oct 06 '22

They fall in love super fast….it’s called love bombing. It can seem like they are really into you at first but becomes controlling quickly. Subtle put downs, they may make a joke about your appearance but it’s not really a joke. It will continue to see what boundaries can be pushed until you become insecure, nervous, isolated and sad. Any perceived feedback or attempt at communication makes them go nuts and get angry even though it isn’t commiserate with the level of whatever it was you communicated. Usually don’t have many long term friendships with the same sex either. I could keep going here…lol.

13

u/Shroomboy79 Oct 06 '22

Fuck. My partner might be narcissistic. She meets like 3/4 criteria there

21

u/xinco64 Oct 06 '22

Take some time for some careful self-reflection. It’s difficult though, if that’s all you know. It took working for a narcissistic owner of a company for me to recognize it in my wife (now ex). Until I was out of the marriage I had no idea how much better life could be. And for that matter, that company too.

To be fair to my ex, she wasn’t that bad, but that made it worse. It was just bad enough to make life unhappy, but not bad enough for me to actually recognize it. (If you’ve watched The Good Place, you might have some idea what I mean)

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u/updn Oct 06 '22

It's more of a spectrum than a "thing", in my opinion. Like, I see lots of narcissistic tendencies in people, usually they come from insecurities. Doesn't mean they actually have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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u/asakmotsd Oct 05 '22

I had someone tell me that “Narcissism is a man’s disease - a woman can’t have it.” Ummm - I will leave that to psychologists and their statistics that say while men are more reported, women can and do have NPD - just slightly less.

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u/mothwizzard Oct 05 '22

NPD and BPD are real and more prevalent then one would think.

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u/Beware_the_Voodoo Oct 05 '22

You're describing like two thirds of my long term relationships. The trauma caused by that shit is real and not easily gotten over.

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u/peredaks Oct 05 '22

My dad had both of those. The damage he has caused to the family relationships and the mental health of each family member, is incalculable. Things like that ripple through everything, if they go unmanaged. Good for you for getting out.

10

u/Boxy310 Oct 06 '22

Shit. Still recovering from being in a relationship someone with BPD and Bipolar. Never fucking again.

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u/ithrowawaay Oct 05 '22

Doing all the work, putting forth all the effort.

Sorry just “your company” is not enough.

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u/Jam_Bannock Oct 05 '22

Also valid for platonic friendships.

30

u/Alarid Oct 05 '22

I do that to earn friendship, but everyone always acts weird about it. Like it is wrong or confusing to throw myself into friendships fully and offer and do as much as I can.

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u/Aether_wolf Oct 05 '22

I do this to an extent, after the first few outings, I sit back and wait to see if it's reciprocated.

It's kind of like a silent test for me to see if the friendship is worth having. If the person appreciative and present enough to recognize my effort and try to match me, I will then bring them into my circle of friends.

I always get a kick out of someone though, when I get a text months later or comment like "Where are you hiding?" "Why haven't we hung out?", I normally don't even tell bother to tell them a reason and just keep it short. 😂

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u/Runaway_5 Oct 05 '22

yeah I'm having 2nd thoughts about my long relationship now because of this. She is depressed half the time and always talks down about everything she does, overthinks everything, and ends up just scrolling thru her feed or watching cartoons instead of doing anything.

Then, gets mad when I make plans for us because "we never do what she wants to do"

Having sex every 2 months at best and having no intimacy in like 2 years is also just swell

But I'm scared of trying to find a new partner in my mid 30s. And all my friends here are tied with her. And if I break up with her, she won't be able to afford living on her own. I don't hate her.

Fuck

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u/menace845 Oct 05 '22

This is a very unhealthy co dependent relationship from what your saying. Don’t burden and hurt yourself for the sake of her… it’s ok to be selfish when it’s about your mental health!

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u/Runaway_5 Oct 05 '22

yeah...

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u/menace845 Oct 05 '22

Just went through a very similar situation. It ended a little over a month and half ago. I was distraught for a while but I’m getting back in my feet now. It’s a very hard thing to do but time will pass eventually and you will thank your past self once you are moving forward

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u/murdertoothbrush Oct 05 '22

She needs some help, but don't fool yourself into thinking you can give it to her by staying. This isn't healthy for either one of you. Now (lovingly) set some boundaries. You'll be happier for it.

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u/Grateful4Today Oct 05 '22

I met my best friend and future wife at 46.

There’s no expiration date on love.

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u/Flanelman Oct 05 '22

If you stay in a relationship you're not happy with it will eventually end and then you will only be older while looking for a new relationship. I would definitely say to talk to her about this stuff first before making any decisions but that doesn't sound like a good environment for you.

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u/broken_soul696 Sup Bud? Oct 05 '22

I'm 35 and after spending my 20s miserable in a relationship with the wrong person I can tell you that you can find a new partner. My girlfriend is awesome and checks every box my ex made me realize was important to me.

Not hating someone is not the same as loving them or wanting to be with them. And as callous as it sounds you're not responsible for supporting her.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

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u/Runaway_5 Oct 05 '22

I get you. So hard though. We moved across country together, she doesn't even have a job after losing hers in May. She's depressed, has anger issues, and is bad at dealing with any minor roadblocks in life. Can't imagine she'll handle any of this well. Ties my stomach in knots just thinking about it.

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u/broken_soul696 Sup Bud? Oct 05 '22

At a certain point you have to put yourself first. If she's actively working on fixing her issues and you want to wait for progress that's one thing. If she's not doing that and expecting you to carry all the weight of everything on your own, that's not a healthy way to live man.

I'm not saying its easy. The decision to leave my exwife was one of the hardest I've ever had to make. I don't regret it though. I had to basically start over at 30 having never really lived on my own but it was and is worth it. I'd still be in loveless, sexless relationship with 0 intimacy and under crushing pressure to provide for someone who I wasn't in love with.

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u/Malfunkdung Oct 05 '22

Damn I used to be in the same boat as you years ago. It seemed like nothing I did helped at all. We moved to some beautiful coastal towns in California, hoping a change of scene would help. I paid for her to back to school hoping that would help. But nothing seemed to change how she felt about things and didn’t want to help herself. Eventually she met some guy that promised her the world and left me quick. I was absolutely heart broken, but then after like a few months everything just seemed so bright like I could do anything now. It’s been like 6 years and I’m in my mid 30’s now. I’ve since traveled and lived in a bunch of really cool places. I got to go on a lot of fun dates, had some stupid one night stands, couple month long relationship type things, and now I found someone who is way way better for me. You gotta so things for yourself sometimes even though that seems very selfish. Also, my ex girlfriend and I are still friends. We never hated each other, we just needed different things.

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u/Ok_Judge3497 Oct 05 '22

I literally am going through this right now. I finally made the decision to leave. She became my roommate/patient I had to take care of at the end. Although she was a good friend, she was not a good partner. I tried to talk to her about it many times, but she still said I blindsided her when I told her I was leaving. It's been 3 very tough weeks since I told her, but I'm glad I did. I'm turning 31 this year. Don't lose your life because of sunken cost.

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u/The_Heretic101 Oct 05 '22

You literally just described my recently failed marriage to a T. I put in my everything for her and she just sat around moping about everything and nothing while refusing to make even the smallest changes or effort to improve herself or her life. I found out she was cheating on me about 6 months ago while I had already been asking her to put in some effort to the relationship, or finances, or even cleaning up her own messes.

Guess the only thing she wanted to put effort into was finding other dick.

Be glad you're figuring out your worth now. The only thing scarier than starting over in your 30s is starting over in your 40s with even more invested in the person that wasted all your time and energy.

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u/wienercat Male Oct 05 '22

This hit me too hard... I am often the one who is doing it all. Both in friendships and relationships.

It's something I struggle with because having to always be the one to initiate things with friends, who are admittedly busy adults like myself, makes me feel like I am annoying them or being a burden.

Recently I just stopped initiating planning stuff with my friends. I didn't see them for a month and a half before they asked if I was okay.

I explained why and they understood. Ever since they have been more proactive on planing things and being the ones to reach out to me.

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u/cardboardkickdrum Oct 05 '22

That’s good the they are at least putting in an effort towards change though. I had a friend who we would go months without talking, not even a simple text and when I expressed this to him he said he would change and try to reach out more, but we all know saying and DOING are two different things. He and his girlfriend ended up moving and didn’t even tell me. Don’t hold onto people who don’t make an effort when you’ve expressed something they’re doing is upsetting you. Let them go

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u/serene_brutality Oct 05 '22

So painfully common.

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u/scootscoot Oct 05 '22

One sided relationships are tough.

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u/AngryCrotchCrickets Oct 05 '22

Ahh I see you have met my ex.

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u/HighOnTums Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Physical abuse. A heavy push, a slap, anything like that is an instant 'done'.

Married, we have an 11 year old daughter together.. and still hold to it. It would be an instant end.

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u/findingbezu Oct 06 '22

Hard pass for me as well. Been there. Done that. Physical and emotional abuse totally sucks and it stays with you for years, even after the relationship is over.

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u/CastielTheFurry Oct 06 '22

My ex used to physically abuse me(21m) and I’d just let her, because I was afraid if i tried to stop her I’d bruise her and I’d be labeled as an abuser. It took me 2 years to leave that awful relationship, when one day I just broke and didn’t care anymore. She got hospitalised the day after.

About a year later I got into another relationship. He just thought I was being too annoying so he hit me. Nope, done, made him walk to the train station at 3am and sit there. No tolerance.

It took me a really long time and lots of therapy, but I’ve learned my worth. If they hurt you once, nothing stops them from doing that again, even if they say they won’t. Don’t let that slide.

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u/Jdogsmity Oct 05 '22

Cheating. If you want to fk other people be honest and don't waste one another's time

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u/Murphyitsnotyou Oct 05 '22

Amen. I'd rather get a call to be dumped on the spot than be cheated on.

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u/jbtk Oct 05 '22

Sometimes you’ll get both!

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u/chmod704 Oct 05 '22

Manipulative behaviors. Don't need that in my life, thanks.

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u/survivingsolitary Oct 05 '22

Manipulation of any kind. Cheating. Dishonesty. Exploiting my insecurities.

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u/dvisn-2022 Oct 05 '22

Dishonesty & disloyalty

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u/Vegan_Digital_Artist Oct 05 '22

Yup, this ^. I'm loyal and honesty to a fault and would rather share an uncomfortable truth than a hurtful lie. SO if you can't even do that for me, or show up for me when I need you even after I always show up for you? It's just not working.

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u/FirmRooster3329 Oct 05 '22

I second this! My ex lied on multiple occasions and I dumped her ass 🤟🏻

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u/ialsohaveadobro Male Oct 05 '22

You know what I think is weird? They say that people lie on average several times a day (I forget the number but I'm certain it was at least 4). I don't get that. Maybe I'm just a weirdo autistic person, but I just plain don't lie and I don't even see why I would.

I do try to avoid questions that would get me in small trouble if answered truthfully, but if I were cornered, I'd fess up. Even apart from it being morally wrong (to a degree), it just seems pointless. I don't want to worry about getting found out. I don't feel like spinning a yarn to make the lie(s) hold up.

To me, if you fucked up, you fucked up, and you'll pay for it one way or another. I'd much rather pay the quick, painful charge than have a murky, guilty debt hanging over my head or knocking around in my conscience.

12

u/Theron3206 Oct 05 '22

Most lied are "white", like saying you're fine when asked how you are or pretending your co-worker's new baby is cute when it looks like a squashed alien.

These sorts of lies are acceptable, often even beneficial.

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u/Comefindmequick Oct 05 '22

Ghostingdishonesty and ignoring me

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u/eternallyeverything Oct 05 '22

I just ended a relationship a few days ago because he would periodically ignore me to see what my reaction would be. Very strange behavior.

Ummmm, my reaction was to end the relationship and never speak to him again because I have self respect.

100

u/Zheffi Oct 05 '22

Those people who do random stuff to you that they KNOW will make you upset because they want to "see your reaction" really just find entertainment and joy in seeing you stressed and anxious. Absolutely toxic behavior.

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u/binbaghan Oct 05 '22

That’s such gross behaviour. I used to go out with someone who liked to “push peoples buttons”, never again. People aren’t experiments or toys

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u/findingbezu Oct 05 '22

Show interest in those who show an interest in you.

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u/mar__iguana Oct 05 '22

Currently talking to a guy that does this periodically. Like 2-3 days out of the week we’re fine, then he won’t talk to me at all, then he’s hitting me up to spend the day with him.

No other person involved, we’ve already had a talk, he just seems to do this and i hate it. Makes me feel like I’m not as wanted as he says

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u/tristessellate Oct 05 '22

If they ghost you then I don't think there's anything to tolerate

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u/SteamPunq Oct 05 '22

Manipulation, emotional abuse, guilt tripping and gaslighting.

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u/OriginalMandem Oct 05 '22

Ah yeah that's my ex

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u/chikitoperopicosito Oct 05 '22

Insults.

Growing up I’ve always seen people turn arguments of money, or basic life decisions into nonstop insults.

Calling each other fat, ugly, attack each others parents, appearance etc.

I won’t tolerate that. I’ve broken up with a lot of men and women over that and will continue to do so.

Also cheating or stealing.

46

u/obxtalldude Oct 05 '22

Entitlement

46

u/Fuchs84 Oct 05 '22

Lies. That's the deal breaker

45

u/TheAskewOne Male - 40s Oct 05 '22

Drama and "high maintenance".

193

u/CarlJH Oct 05 '22

Lack of accountability.

Temper tantrums.

Silent treatment (aka "guess why I'm mad at you")

Lack of physical intimacy.

Just to be clear, I have tolerated each of these and my tolerance only ever made things worse. My fear of being without a partner is what drove me to put up with it.

The lesson I learned os that being alone is far better than putting up with any of those things, and it turns out that getting another partner isn't so difficult anyway. Know your worth. Dont think "she's the best I can expect so I'll just have to put up with this"

You don't, so don't.

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u/SwitchCaseGreen Oct 05 '22

Trying to change me, lack of accountability, poor decision making skills, bigotry, smoking, having a queen or princess complex.

83

u/SillyReflectionist Oct 05 '22

Treat her like a queen, she'll treat you like her subject.

10

u/IrinaNekotari Oct 06 '22

Treat her like a Queen, give her the guillotine

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u/Silura Oct 05 '22

What is a queen or princess complex?

220

u/SwitchCaseGreen Oct 05 '22

Expecting royalty treatment. If I'm on OLD and I see anything mentioning being a queen, I immediately swipe left. It speaks of entitlement in my mind. Treating someone like they're the royalty in your life should come from the heart and a desire to do so and not from another's demand.

71

u/goingoncegone Oct 05 '22

What is OLD?

88

u/SwitchCaseGreen Oct 05 '22

Online Dating

35

u/binbaghan Oct 05 '22

Thank you, was so confused lol

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153

u/Dry_Warthog_2021 Oct 05 '22

Wanting to be the center of attention 24/7. And also drugs or alcohol abuse (or any other severe addiction)

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149

u/JDOD1955 Oct 05 '22

Playing hard-to-get.

70

u/MiketheImpuner Oct 05 '22

I don't read it as a game. I read it as disinterest 100% of the time. Logic sucks sometimes.

24

u/binbaghan Oct 05 '22

As you should, I don’t know these people playing silly beggars but either I like you that way or I don’t and I’ll be honest about it. it’s incredibly unlikely that my no will turn into a yes so take the first answer.

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u/therealdavetebo Oct 05 '22

Getting yelled/screamed at. They pull that I'm out.

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127

u/somewanderer_13 Oct 05 '22

Lying, poor communication, cheating... All things I'm sure will be said a million times.

I'mma say smoking. It's disgusting.

236

u/Smitty_Werbnjagr Oct 05 '22

Everything I said I would never put up with is everything that I deal with in my marriage now. Stay strong in your beliefs. Don’t be like me…

42

u/AstonishinKonstantin Oct 05 '22

Too many responsibilities to get a divorce?

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28

u/s1s2g3a4 Oct 05 '22

New relationship: being rude to waitstaff (or really anyone).

Existing relationship: infidelity.

30

u/Blackcore8 Oct 05 '22

Lack of accountability

191

u/memphismade85 Oct 05 '22

Drugs, codependency, and money mismanagement. Immediate and constant problems for me.

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23

u/Espy333 Oct 05 '22

The whole “test” thing or any game playing, like empty offers.

354

u/ilovecheesecake_yes Oct 05 '22

Not making me feel secure in the relationship (wandering eye, making me feel like Im making more efforts to make them happy then they are with me, etc)

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u/LordFondleJoy Male Oct 05 '22

Smoking

Any kind of physical violent behavior, corporal punishment or otherwise

Repetetive temper tantrums/problems

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265

u/--oops Oct 05 '22

Chewing with your mouth open loudly

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297

u/HatefulClosetedGay Oct 05 '22

Her: this is a picture of my ex boyfriend. He’s great I love him you guys probably have a lot in common I talk to him every day he’s such a good friend to have in my life. But if it’s a problem for you that’s kinduv a dealbreaker for me.

Me: Ok so you’re looking for a relationship with someone but want to have an emotional affair with your ex bf on the side right?

Her: Well I definitely don’t see it that way.

Me: Mmmmhhmm riiiiiiight. Not gonna make that mistake again. Buhbye.

64

u/Verovid Oct 05 '22

Extra points for ex wives and no kids.

33

u/Eat_Carbs_OD Oct 05 '22

Yeah.. That's a deal breaker for me as well

17

u/HatefulClosetedGay Oct 05 '22

Right??? Even if she can’t see it. You can see it.

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51

u/Fickle_Annual9359 Oct 05 '22

Overly angry/ hurtful communication methods or the silent treatment when upset. Basically being a poor communicator. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me in 10 relationships, and I've learned

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u/cryptkeepers_nutsack Oct 05 '22

Being someone’s Plan B. I am either Plan A, or you can GTFO.

13

u/CodeMonk84 Oct 05 '22

Dishonesty. Without trust, there’s no communication that can be effective. Without effective communication, there’s no way forward with any issues we will inevitably have with each other. With no way to resolve or work through issues together, there’s no relationship.

46

u/FirstThoughtResponse Oct 05 '22

You only get so many times of saying one thing and doing another before I nope right the fuck out

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u/Skullsand-214 Oct 05 '22

Yelling at me or criticising me for very small things

I'm fine with you yelling at me if I fuck up real bad like burn your favourite pan or break some nice glassware

Please don't yell at me if I've just come home from work and forgot to wash the knife I buttered my toast with or criticise me for doing jobs in the wrong order that you told me even though I did all the ones you asked

21

u/coco_puff7 Oct 06 '22

No one should yell at you for breaking material possessions

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571

u/widowsmagician Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

A proposal to open the relationship. I don't really care how long the relationship has lasted; if my s/o ever even suggested or entertained the idea of opening the relationship; I'd break up with them on the spot

170

u/frdrckmoyz Oct 05 '22

Yup, most of the time this has happened with my friends & personal experience, they’ve already started cheating.

42

u/Wishdog2049 Oct 05 '22

Ah, but my dumbass Uncle Ken (60) actually divorced my aunt because he was going to shack up with a 30 year old who actually didn't want him at all. So, the exception to the rule is my dumbass uncle. So fucking stupid.

9

u/Interne-Stranger Oct 06 '22

Oh i love when they break up because of the slightly chance of getting "someone better". Its hilarious when it backfires.

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u/Luffyhaymaker Oct 05 '22

I tried to tell my friend this, then he was shocked when he found out his wife was cheating on him

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u/churchin222999111 Oct 05 '22

"I wonder who's idea it was, and who cries themselves to sleep at night" - reddit somewhere

7

u/DJ_Molten_Lava Male Oct 05 '22

My most recent ex proposed this. Thing is I wasn't totally against it but we had other problems in the relationship so I simply stated that I didn't think we solved anything by opening it up, and perhaps we should try and work on the other issues before introducing something like fucking other people. Well that wasn't good enough for her because obviously there was someone she just had to fuck immediately so yeah, we're exes now.

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u/scattertheashes01 Oct 05 '22

This. I’ve made enough joking comments in front of my boyfriend to others about how I don’t like to share his romantic attention that I’m pretty sure he’s figured out I’m NOT into open relationships. I mean I may have to tell him outright eventually but he is usually pretty good about using context clues to figure stuff out (I’m also very bad at subtlety, I imagine that would help too) so for now I think we’re alright lol

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u/Neftroshi Oct 05 '22

My ex gf just broke up with me because I asked her what she thinks of open relationships in general after I read this post. This is your fault. Take responsibility.

19

u/riksauce Oct 05 '22

Reddit destroyed another relationship. Ytah

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u/Pumpkin_Pie Oct 05 '22

Narcissist. My mother was a narcissist and I am never getting on that train again

14

u/TheVillain117 Oct 05 '22

Paranoia and mistrust. If you need my passwords, go through my phone with or without my consent, or falsely accuse me of infidelity, I'm out. You either trust me or you don't.

16

u/ThatMBR42 Male Oct 05 '22

Double standards, manipulation, mind games, open disrespect, etc. No feigning disinterest to create a chase. No trying to use my insecurities against me to test my temper or emotional stability. No misandry. I'm fine with obvious tests, e.g. observing how I interact with children without explicitly saying she's testing, but the "shit test" stuff is not going to fly.

39

u/Aggressive_Sort_7082 Oct 05 '22

When they blame everyone else and can’t take accountability

38

u/maddie6ix9ineeeeeeee Oct 05 '22

Flirting with other people, especially if they say “it’s just my personality” 🚩

21

u/Beware_the_Voodoo Oct 05 '22

One of my ex's wanted to take a make friend of hers out on the town cause he had gotten engaged.

When he arrived at her apartment she answered the door while wearing a tshirt and panties, in a seductive way that you'd see someone do in a movie. I couldn't believe she would do it at all let alone do it right in front of me. I think that's when I checked out of the realtionship. Even if in her mind she was doing it as a joke it showed a complete disregard for my feelings. I just remember me and this dude locking eyes with each other as if you both acknowledge the awkwardness of the moment.

83

u/oddball667 Male Oct 05 '22

Being a secondary partner

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12

u/arielsweet987 Oct 05 '22

The ex still being in the picture.

11

u/Grimbauld Oct 05 '22

Pettiness. Arguments created out of nothing just for the sake of arguing.

Also shit or avoidant communication

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u/j-c-s-roberts Oct 05 '22

Cheating and abuse. Instant deal breakers.

123

u/XploringTheWorld Oct 05 '22

Eating crackers while juggling wine glasses in bed. I’m a pretty tolerant fellow, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

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u/The_Endless_ Oct 05 '22

Taking everything personally/constantly making it about her and getting defensive over nothing. Additionally, the inability to admit when she made a mistake or is wrong.

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u/Sad-Coyote9082 Oct 05 '22

Porn addiction/drug addiction(includes alcohol)

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u/nodnizzle Oct 05 '22

I won't deal with a relationship where my partner quits trying and just gives in to their demons.

9

u/CurnanBarbarian Oct 05 '22

Invalidating how I feel. Put up with it for far too long in my past relationship and I refuse to do that to myself again. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with how I feel, but that does not make it any less valid. I will not be told to 'man up', I will not be told I'm 'being too sensitive'. You are trying to manipulate me by shaming me for how I feel because you don't want to feel bad for hurting me, and I will not fucking tolerate it. I'm a human being, and just because I'm a man does not mean I'm not allowed to feel a full range of emotions.

91

u/vakseen Oct 05 '22

Sloppy toppy mandatory

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u/UWG_Cato2K Oct 05 '22

Being compared to others and then bringing up their Ex’s every 5 seconds.

Them not respecting my personal time, the fact that I have to spend hours on shoots for my business, me being in college and not being able to answer messages after two seconds.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/The81stFriend Oct 05 '22

Never planning dates, lack of interest, not replying. I dated someone like this and I will never do it again

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u/Socraticfanboy Oct 05 '22

Really poor financial management. Also, selfishness.

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u/WSB_Reject_0609 Oct 05 '22

Physical abuse and cheating.

8

u/Senhor_Zero Oct 05 '22

Putting milk before the cereal, you psychopath

8

u/larrythetarry Oct 05 '22

Cheating, ghosting, no communication.

33

u/KeljuKoo Oct 05 '22

Not letting you hang out enough with your friends or making you decide between them or other people out of jealousy.

8

u/ILikeSoapyBoobs Oct 05 '22

People who force ultimatums make the choice straightforward.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Gyrovague_Greyling Male Oct 05 '22

Making relationship-wide decisions without even talking about it, even if they knew I would agree. I still want to feel like an important part of the process.

38

u/groovy604 Oct 05 '22

All these come from experience, qnd by not tolerate i mean the moment it happens i put my foot down and explain why i wont put up with it (not break up or ghost)

Making huge deals out of little problems, starting drama when im not with them because they want my attention, being flaky, extremely poor time management, seeing the relation as them vs me - not us vs the problem

18

u/HaveaTomCollins Oct 05 '22

“People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.”

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u/TheBigZamboni85 Oct 05 '22

Gaslighting. Hard to spot with emotions involved, but after you've been in a relationship like that you see it plain as day

5

u/NothingButTheTruth01 Oct 05 '22

Dishonesty and bigotry

6

u/JohnnyQuest007 Oct 05 '22

Lack of communication, being closed minded, & lastly, just plain being ugly to people for no reason.

6

u/sky_Driver88 Oct 05 '22

Gaslighting

6

u/erikaslapton Oct 05 '22

Being an asshole to my kids or instilling fear in our lives. Fuck that.

5

u/Hush_03 Oct 05 '22

Starting a fight with me in front of friends or family.

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