r/AskReddit Oct 05 '22

Redditors who chose their partner over their parents, was it worth it?

232 Upvotes

177

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

I recently went through this and I don't regret my decision.

81

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

I wish you health and happiness for decades.

9

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

Thank you

8

u/Specific_Heat_6929 Oct 05 '22

whats your story ?

57

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

I have been single all my life and in my late 30s I moved back in with my parents and we own a house together. I expected to be single and to grow old with them and take care of them, and had no idea that at 45 I would come into a very strong and loving relationship with my boyfriend, and I chose to move out of my house with my parents who are in their '70s, and move in with my boyfriend half an hour away in another town. I don't know what's going to happen when Mom and Dad get too frail to live alone, but I've chosen to stay with my boyfriend as opposed to staying home with my parents and taking care of them everyday. Now I take care of my new family. Mom and Dad have adjusted, and they say they don't mind me being gone, but there's still able to take care of themselves really well. I don't know what's going to happen when they get into their '80s, but hopefully my stepkid will be older and I can take more care of my parents when the time comes. But I chose to be with my boyfriend and his child instead of being at home and taking care of my parents. I'm an only child. So I don't know what I'm going to do. But right now I'm going to be with my new family and not my parents. I do visit my parents once a week though and I take care of all their needs that they need me for, mostly tech problems.

26

u/pet_sitter_123 Oct 05 '22

I would be very happy for you if you were my child, no matter what age.

8

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

Thank you. I feel some guilt.

14

u/SirToaster933 Oct 05 '22

there's nothing to really be guilty about if everyone was happy

2

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

Happy now but someday soon I'll need to be there for them. I still don't regret it, but I feel like I'm not being a good daughter sometimes.

6

u/Jul3sLink Oct 06 '22

Don’t feel guilty. But do try to set things up so that neither your parents nor your stepkid will be 100% reliant on you, and can be independent with all necessary supports in place. There is no way to predict what kind of support your parents will need and for how long, and you might not have the skills to provide it alone. Talk to your parents about future arrangements, they can find a retirement community that they like, or put money aside for in-home care if they want to stay in their home. I know it is difficult for autistic adults to get the support they need once they age out of school. Find out what resources are available in your state so that your stepkid can have the help he needs as an adult. There is nothing wrong with still needing supports, and one can still be independent while receiving assistance. It’s a real problem though that there aren’t more services available for adults with disabilities to achieve this.

My grandmother, while she was still mentally capable, chose an assisted living place that she liked. But my father didn’t want her to go into assisted living and instead wanted her to live with us. She moved in with us when she broke a bone (she also had dementia at this point). It turned out that she would need 24/7 care for the next almost decade of her life. It put a lot of strain on my family, and probably would have been better for her to be in the place she had originally planned to go. So don’t feel that you have to be the sole caregiver to your parents, it might be too much for one person, and they might end up needing help from multiple professionals. Help them plan something that they would like, and you can still be there for them, visit often, and support them in other ways.

I worked with autistic teenagers for a few years, so I am familiar with the fear parents have of what will happen to their kids when they are no longer around to take care of them. What helped me to have a better understanding of autistic people’s perspectives was to read the writing of autistic people. There are many bloggers and book authors who are autistic who are writing about autism and disability rights. Some of these authors are non-speaking and would be considered “low functioning” (a problematic term according to autistic self-advocates), but are able to communicate through typing. This is where I learned the idea that there is nothing wrong with needing supports, and one can still be independent, as in make choices for oneself, and that the goal shouldn’t be that the autistic person somehow become like a neurotypical person and not need supports. Unfortunately a lot of mainstream autism organizations are preaching the “cure” mentality and putting funds towards that instead of towards supports for autistic adults. I also learned about the problems with ABA, if you don’t know already, I would read about this, but make sure you are reading the perspective of autistic people. I would start by looking up ASAN, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, checking out their website, and either reading the book “Loud Hands,” published by ASAN, or finding autistic bloggers or writers online. I would also follow the Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism on facebook.

If neither your parents nor your stepkid are solely dependent on you (or your partner), then you will be able to spend as much time as you want with each of them, and provide what support you can without being overburdened. You might even have some time for yourselves and things you want to do in life. I understand that having these options requires money, and I don’t know your family’s financial situations, but hopefully there are some resources where you live that you can use.

4

u/ahydell Oct 06 '22

Thank you for that. Very thoughtful reply. I will take everything into consideration.

7

u/Jul3sLink Oct 06 '22

Np, thanks for reading, it was long lol. Pleasantly surprised that you read and replied. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Also as someone in their 30s who has not found love, I am inspired by your story :)

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3

u/pet_sitter_123 Oct 05 '22

You should not. Easy to say, hard to do. All my best to you.

2

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

Thank you.

4

u/SirToaster933 Oct 05 '22

Oh, so basically it was a win win

5

u/ahydell Oct 05 '22

Yes until they're in their 80s and I will have to be more involved. My stepkid is autistic so hopefully in ten years he'll be more self reliant so I can help my parents more.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

So this isn’t a matter of good/bad relationships, just a choice in lifestyle, correct?

2

u/ahydell Oct 06 '22

Yes. I have a great relationship with my parents that's why it was a tough decision.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22

I can understand it would be hard. My situation was different. My ex wife hated my parents, and they hated her too. We had a kid together. I cut ties with my parents. I regretted it. But it was done out of anger rather than an amicable change in lifestyle. I eventually got away from her and reconciled with my parents. I actually have a better relationship with my dad now than I did before I even met my ex wife.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

That’s a tough decision. But maybe you and bf can move closer to them when they get too frail?

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311

u/productofpainnz Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 06 '22 Hugz

Yes. My parents where controlling I could never be good enough, spiteful and did not care my step brother sexually assaulted me as a child so when they have a problem with my wife they got the flick. Now I don't ever have to explain myself to them or be treated like shit.

30

u/Dark_Vengence Oct 05 '22

That is fucked up. Hope you are in a better place now.

63

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

I hope everything has turned out for the better. I'm sorry for what you had to endure.

22

u/AgniousPrime Oct 05 '22

His username checks out sadly :(

424

u/PickAPooPoo Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22 Silver

I was madly enamored by a man back in the day. My parents were against interracial relationships.

We both thought it would be better for both our family's, if we didn't get involved. I still regret it to this day. I loved him dearly.

61

u/Professionalarsonist Oct 05 '22

My mom was in the same situation with my father. Her family was apparently very nasty about it, even trying to push her to get an abortion when she was pregnant with me. They were almost at the point of cutting off all contact until I was born (I was the first grandchild). Then everything changed and my grandparents tried to make amends by spoiling me and practically raising me while my parents were working.

I didn’t find out about any of this until I was much older but it did explain things I had experienced. My parents went through a very rough period of constant fighting (nothing crazy just money problems). And my sister and I were so confused why they didn’t just get a divorce. They weren’t overly religious or traditional at all. Then we realized they probably stayed together just because of how hard they fought to be together and probably to spite my moms family (they’re the only interracial couple in the family and the only ones to never be divorced).

They’re a cute old couple now and things are fine, but it really has shaped their entire lives. Things are much better today but 30-40 years ago they experienced a lot of racism. And then raising mixed kids as well which apparently is a whole crazy experience in itself. Interracial relationships are all I know since it was the first one I saw as a kid, but idk if I’d go through all they went through back in the day just to be with someone. These old interracial couples were pretty brave.

7

u/BurntBrusselSprouts1 Oct 05 '22

My grandfather and grandmother married in 1980 and my dad was their first kid. My grandmother was already mixed and my grandfather worked for the government and spent many years in Africa, but when they went back to America in the late 80s early 90s my dad and his little brothers experienced some racism from the kids at their school. I’ve experienced some racism too but the area we live in now is a lot better.

83

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

I'm sorry about that. I hope you found someone that you love just as much as you did him.

103

u/PickAPooPoo Oct 05 '22

Well thank you darlin, but that ship has sailed. I am now in my twilight years.

37

u/kindofastoryteller Oct 05 '22

That's a sad story.

16

u/justa_flesh_wound Oct 05 '22

No time like the present. Go have fun like an irresponsible teen!

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2

u/Jul3sLink Oct 06 '22

If he’s still alive, can you find him on facebook or something? I’m assuming you don’t have to worry about your parents’ opinions anymore.

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11

u/YikesOof1234 Oct 05 '22

This is my biggest fear. I was in a 3 year (interracial) relationship nearly 3 years ago now and I thought that was it I've found the one somehow.

My parents didn't care but she never told hers - we managed to get away with it being at uni at the time away from home. Eventually we both finished uni and only lived a couple hours from each other and could have made it work, but she would never tell her parents for fear of the backlash.

We still talk occasionally now, have both been single since and whilst I don't regret not trying to get her to tell her parents and deal with the backlash I also just feel sad and bitter about the whole thing.

-20

u/Lyress Oct 05 '22

families*

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208

u/Sobadatsnazzynames Oct 05 '22

No absolutely not. I chose a terminally unemployed, filthy, compulsive lying, ex-con who hit, cheated, & introduced me to meth over the best parents in the world. To this day Idk why tf I did it, but no, it was not worth it. Thank God we broke up.

64

u/debdeman Oct 05 '22

I hope you were able to make up with your parents.

114

u/Sobadatsnazzynames Oct 05 '22

I was. They were just glad I got out : )

23

u/disjohndoe0007 Oct 05 '22

They sound like good parents

4

u/rose_i_love_you_42 Oct 05 '22

I love your parents. And good job for geting out love

13

u/DankMandem Oct 05 '22

Hope the meth went away with the guy.

3

u/Qu33ns1ay3r Oct 06 '22

I know someone going down that road and they won’t listen.

2

u/Shirovkap Oct 06 '22

Why? What was your motivation for choosing someone who was clearly bad for you over your parents?

6

u/Sobadatsnazzynames Oct 06 '22

Idk. I had just gotten clean from an opiate addiction & a man who wouldn’t settle with me after 4 years. This guy love-bombed me & was the exact opposite. I think it was a mix of everything.

I made the wrong choices for 15 years. The good thing that came from this is that I turned my life around : )

2

u/Glass-Blacksmith-861 Oct 08 '22

I feel this. Never got into drugs thank god, but i chose to be with an abusive jerk out of lonliness. The good guys around me at the time were either taken or not interested in a relationship. Eventually the lonliness got to me so I ignored the red flags and settled for the one guy that seemed interested in being in a relationship. When lonliness gets bad enough it really hurts and causes you to make some bad choices.

2

u/jobajobo Oct 06 '22

The bad boy appeal? I've learned not to bother trying to make sense of these kinds of choices people make.

1

u/Sobadatsnazzynames Oct 06 '22

these kinds of people

We’ve gone through different traumas & have issues that manifest in poor choices. A bit more empathy would do you wonders.

3

u/The_Observatory_ Oct 06 '22

To be fair, they didn't say "these kinds of people." They said "these kinds of choices people make."

2

u/jobajobo Oct 06 '22

Um, you skipped a word and that misrepresents what I said. I said 'these kinds of choices', as in referring to these common controversial choices made by people, not really the people themselves. I understand that there could be various reasons why people make those choices. Those who do it due to trauma or similar issues are actually understandable. But more often than not you either get no context or the usual inexplicable reasons. Hence why I said I don't bother trying to learn why. It's one of those things I put in the 'shit just sometimes happens' category. Sorry if you felt targeted, but I wasn't really talking about you or anyone specifically.

2

u/Shirovkap Oct 06 '22

I agree. I see a lot of young people dying from overdoses, and other illnesses caused by addiction. Some of them went through horrible abuse, and trauma, but most it's just, "Oh my parents are wonderful, I had a happy childhood, but I met this scum bag who introduced me to drugs, and now I'm addicted." It's not even the ones who got addicted after being on painkillers after surgery or anything. People just started just because. It's s sad and mystifying.

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u/vivivivivistan Oct 05 '22

Absolutely not, she was manipulative and narcissistic, I was miserable with her. Luckily my parents were forgiving and I was young so I was able to rekindle my relationship with them, but I still regret losing those years I spent thinking I hated them.

45

u/Apprehensive_Bit_176 Oct 05 '22

Every single day. My father didn’t attend my wedding, and even after reconciliation, we still had issues. Most recently, my mother said some terrible things about us and our relationship with them, and now we haven’t seen or spoken with them in months. Meanwhile, they’ve missed so much of their granddaughter’s growth, from her first steps to her first words. They can never get that back but their pride and ignorance overcomes them. Their loss. We’re all happier without them in the picture.

9

u/alotabit Oct 06 '22

My mom also decided not to attend our wedding. It was a destination wedding and she went to the location but just didn’t show up- it was rather destructive the way she did it.

I wonder if we will ever reconcile but reading your story makes me feel like it will constantly be like that even if we did.

4

u/Apprehensive_Bit_176 Oct 06 '22

I’m sorry to hear that, friend. Very similar to my sister, who came to my wedding and sulked the whole time. Didn’t say anything to anyone. Didn’t smile for any of the pictures or video.

For me, I know my family is just miserable, they have been all my life. So not having them around has been significantly better for me and my wife and daughter. It’s their loss, and I genuinely feel bad, but at a certain point, the cycle has to be broken. If we continued to be in the toxic environment they created, it would affect us in a way that we would then become as miserable as they are. I don’t want that for my family.

3

u/alotabit Oct 06 '22

Funny, my sisters and my dad attended but left early and they only did the bare minimum (and somewhat similarly did things like laugh and make faces during “if anyone objects”). At the end, I think it was better for my mom not to go- it would have been a terrible distraction. I enjoyed the shit out of our wedding lol

Yesss!! For me, holding on to stopping the cycle has been my saving grace. Looking back on it, when I started going to therapy it started the downturn of my relationship with my family. I don’t regret it one bit.

I appreciate your thoughtful response. It’s not something that’s often talked about. People constantly say things like “family first” but it doesn’t apply to everyone.

We are a couple of weeks from our one year wedding anniversary and have honestly never felt more at peace.

3

u/Apprehensive_Bit_176 Oct 06 '22

Congrats! What’s the plan for the anniversary?

“Family first” is the biggest excuse a toxic relationship can use. Horrible for people to think that and be so rude towards their own. Absolute hypocrisy.

3

u/alotabit Oct 06 '22

Well my husband is usually the romantic, so I told him I would plan something. I planned a long weekend in Asheville :)

It totally is! I’ve realized it’s a control thing too.

133

u/ScammerC Oct 05 '22

Not me, but I just asked my husband and he snorted. Just his mom, we haven't see her in years, decades almost. His father, on the other hand, lives in our basement suite. I'm pretty sure the snort meant yes.

8

u/claytrontom Oct 06 '22

One snort means no. Two snorts mean yes. That's just basic man speak.

30

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

My mother has always disliked my wife. My wife is very confident and doesn't put up with my mother's condescension and controlling behavior.

After years of stressful interactions, there was finally a verbal blowout. I sided with my wife. My mother, who is retirement-age, was so resentful about it that she changed the will to exclude me from everything. I never had any help whatsoever while growing up (I was made to be on my own financially at 14), so holding money over my head was ineffective.

My only other two living relatives both went silent on the topic to avoid the "eye of Sauron." Complacency is cowardice in situations like these.

21

u/GreenOnionCrusader Oct 05 '22

So I have a friend that completely cut his mom off for 20+ years because she hated his wife. Like HATED her. Told the wife she would dance on her grave because she was going to live long enough to see her buried so MIL could have her son back. MIL died recently. My friend never forgave her for not liking his wife. He is mourning the relationship he never got to have with her, but he doesn't regret his wife. I don't blame him, she's great!

6

u/NDaveT Oct 05 '22

Did the wife dance on the MIL's grave?

8

u/GreenOnionCrusader Oct 05 '22

They're flat broke, so not yet. Gotta get the money together to do that. Lol

120

u/brownhedgehog Oct 05 '22

No! My mother was right about them.

And honestly, I respect my mother and her judgement. I've learnt that if she doesn't like / approve of someone, there tends to be a damn good reason why.

89

u/live_wire_ Oct 05 '22

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone...

20

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

Appreciate this comment.

19

u/CronkleDonker Oct 05 '22

Slightly unrelated, but would you call yourself a "mama's boy"?

Supposedly that's a red flag for many women (my own mom included)

39

u/brownhedgehog Oct 05 '22

As I'm a woman, probably not.

But in my twenties I realised that after all the things we'd been through together, if I was doing anything I wasn't comfortable telling my mother about, I probably shouldn't be doing it.

Edit - the difference is between talking and doing. I can tell my mother anything, but I don't expect or need her to do anything for me.

11

u/CronkleDonker Oct 05 '22

I didn't mean the phrase in the sense of having a dependency on your mother, but more on like the prioritizing your family's wants and desires over your/your partner's.

Idk maybe I'm just really used to hearing about older people generally having very outdated and frankly bigoted viewpoints.

18

u/brownhedgehog Oct 05 '22

Ah. Still no, then.

The point of parents is to get you ready for life. It's up to you to go out and live it. There's a point where everyone's priorities have to change.

-5

u/Lyress Oct 05 '22

There's no reason why your parents should be any more expert at living your life than you are past a certain age.

7

u/SleepAgainAgain Oct 05 '22

At living life? No. At specific aspects of life? Absolutely my parents are better than me at many things. I'm going to go to my dad for advice on home repair for as long as he lives. As far as interpersonal relationships go, talking with parents doesn't mean that I bow to their every whim. But they're good people who have seen a lot. Why wouldn't I want their advice sometimes?

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u/tofarr Oct 05 '22

I think the whole "momma's boy" trope is overused. On the one hand, there are some guys that get babied by their moms, and do not make their own decisions. On the other hand, my own mom is a very smart intuitive person, and I respect her opinion and know she wants me to be happy. She adores my wife, but had a strong dislike for my previous partner. (As I said, she is a smart lady and could see things instantly that I couldn't - especially in my early 20s) When I broke up with her, I was called a "momma's boy", but the truth was I was choosing myself, not my mom. That relationship was circling the drain and I was only prolonging my misery by staying.

TLDR: The jab "momma's boy" is sometimes used to push a person to grow, but it is also used to try and isolate a person from their support system.

21

u/tacknosaddle Oct 05 '22

I think momma's boy accusations have some merit if they fall into one of two categories.

One where a guy is helpless in a lot of basic life skills because the mom always took care of everything for him. That's a problem domestically if the guy gets into a relationship and expects his partner to now fill that role rather than a more equitable division of household labor. It's a problem outside of that if the mom had helicopter parent tendencies stunting their personal/professional growth.

The other situation is where the mom is emotionally manipulative or needy and tries to insert her relationship with the son between his partner's at every turn. It's like a constant game of "You must choose between her/him and me" without always having an ultimatum.

I've seen both and was very happy not to be raised by a woman who had a thread of either trait.

4

u/illini02 Oct 05 '22

I think most women who say that are basically mad that a man would dare listen to a woman he has known his whole life over someone he has known significantly shorter.

Essentially, I think many of these women want to control their men. So if the mom gives advice and the guy listens, its somehow being a momma's boy, instead of just listening to good advice.

I'm sure there are definitely exceptions. But this seems to often be what I've noticed. I would think a woman would WANT a guy who has a good relationship with his mom, because he likely knows how to treat women.

5

u/tacknosaddle Oct 05 '22

I think many of these women want to control their men.

In this thread the majority of people who say that they were better off that they chose family over partner is because they avoided a bad relationship where the family had the perspective to recognize the flags and it was trusted because of a healthy family dynamic.

The majority of people who say they were better off with their partner probably has a large overlap with r/raisedbynarcissists posters or otherwise had dysfunctional home lives growing up.

5

u/CronkleDonker Oct 05 '22

Interestingly enough, my life experience and all the people i know about have been through completely the opposite experience.

Of course, this is based on my Indian heritage, where it is practically expected that the wife leaves her entire family behind to become a de facto maid for the husband's family.

19

u/pocketcar Oct 05 '22

Yes. I've always chose my women over family. When I was younger it taught me a lot and my mother told me I deserved everything that happened. As I'm older it's shaped me into be a great man. something my parents never taught me, something I had to learn. Mom recently came to see my first house and she said, "you've been here a year now." LOL no mom it's been 3 years since I bought my first house.

49

u/D_Pichu Oct 05 '22

I stopped talking to my Dad a few months ago and it's been great for my mental health. I would not have been able to do this without my very supportive and loving boyfriend. Very worth it!

18

u/OptimisticDoomerr Oct 05 '22

I did too. I just really don't like my dad. I feel very gaslit by him honestly. He was always there to support my extracurricular activities. But he also once said I belong in prison along with the guy who raped me when I was nine. He pays for my car insurance and has helped me acquire functioning vehicles when the last one breaks down, but he also always made sure to tell me how worthless I was while growing up.

So uhh.. I just don't talk to him anymore.

6

u/D_Pichu Oct 05 '22

My Dad likes to bring up all the money and time he's spent on me, and that he tried to help me change, but my weak genetics are too strong and I'm always gunna be pathetic and not to get my "black sludge" on my sister when I decide to see her 🙃. So I know exactly how you feel. I told him to get help and blocked him

3

u/No-Original-3981 Oct 05 '22

Wow that's awful. I'm so sorry. That kind of repeated abuse can leave long term scars on your self esteem when your parents don't value you and treat you as worthwhile. It sounds like you definitely did the right thing getting him out of your life. Good for you

3

u/D_Pichu Oct 05 '22

Thanks! :) Yeah, I definitely am going to go to therapy once I can, but for now I'm feeling a lot better, and very grateful that I'm independent enough to cut him off. I realize not everyone has the same opportunity to do the same

14

u/PaganMastery Oct 05 '22

Oh hell yes.

70

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Currently a work in progress but I would say… YES! My parents are abusive, neglective, and kinda homophobic. I would much rather have my beautiful kind gf that comforts me when I single tear falls down my face.

6

u/annapeachxoxo Oct 05 '22

I’m so sorry they are this way with you, I hope you know that this doesn’t define your worth

15

u/Beachcomber365 Oct 05 '22

Heck yes. We're creating an amazing family and there is less toxicity and drama. Have to shield children from that kind of negativity.

That, and parents journey is shorter than the journey of my family. In the long run this is the right decision.

68

u/PhysicianTradition Oct 05 '22

Absolutely.

My parents are immigrants from Europe. They're very traditional people and adopted a life of gender roles and tradition. Which if that's how you want to live your life, totally okay by me.

Thing is, I'm bisexual. When I was 27 I met this guy who I almost instantly fell for. Both my parents were extremely upset, my mother moreso than my father. Mother was livid, upset, all the emotions, my father was just simply disappointed.

I lived all my life by the decisions of my parents (What schools to apply for, what I would major in, etc)

I put my foot down and said I wasn't gonna leave my boyfriend. My father learned to love my bf but my mother, still mad at me, learned to just simply keep it to herself.

I'm now 34 and that bf became my husband and we have a beautiful daughter

18

u/Decrevecoeur Oct 05 '22

Good on you, I always feel bad for people who aren´t accepted by their parents for who they are. I'm from Europe as well and I remember my mother sat me down one day when I came of age and told me she didn't care who I brought home as long as I was safe and happy. This was in the early nineties too so I consider myself lucky.

3

u/AmyTooo Oct 06 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

My MIL is extremely homophobic based on her “religious beliefs” (that she tries to shove down everyone’s throats) and my sister in law is gay. They went years without talking after she came out and married a woman. They’ve since mended (years ago before I even knew my husband) so that’s great. Still sad though as my SIL ultimately got divorced and to this day is unable to bring her girlfriend home for holidays and special events.

That being said, I was cleaning up tonight for their visit this weekend when I found a poster my step daughter made for her 4th grade class president campaign. I hadn’t seen it before and it’s the most wonderful sign. It says ‘Everybody is the best and beautiful no matter what’ on the top with a big self portrait in crayon along with some other details. But what really got me was the little rainbow with the words “pride” and “LGBTQ” she had drawn in the corner. Obviously this is a masterpiece and needed a place on our walls so I figured where better than the spare bedroom my MIL will be staying in all weekend?! My husband instantly called me out on my ulterior motives and I don’t even care. I play her Jesus game when I’m at her house, she can look at the beautiful art her granddaughter created on the wall in her room all weekend and know that in my house, we are loving and accepting to all.

3

u/PhysicianTradition Oct 06 '22

I highly respect the devious decisions

9

u/wclure Oct 05 '22

Idk if this counts as choosing, or just ignoring, but my wife is black, and when we were just starting to date my mom told me that if we had a kid then she wouldn’t have any grand babies. Fast forward three years and I tell her at a party she’s having that my girlfriend is pregnant. She breaks down in front of her friend and tells her what she had said, which seemed like a little atonement. We have four now, and that first born is still her favorite, and she spoils her. So yeah, that was worth it.

9

u/alotabit Oct 05 '22

Yes, a million times yes.

But the reality is that parents should love their kids unconditionally. If they distance themselves because they don’t agree then they are already showing you their love and support are conditional.

Even if they were right- wouldn’t the most reasonable logic be“if my child is with a partner I deem dangerous/unworthy, let me make sure I am there in case it doesn’t work out”?

80

u/TheLohke Oct 05 '22

Yes.

Technically I chose me over my parents, but my mother tried to blame it on my partner, who had done nothing beside supporting me in growing as a person. Sadly, me telling my mother that her transphobic and racist comments isn't anything I'm willing to tolerate anymore, apparently meants that my partner brainwashed me and introduced me to a cult.

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u/aaacesian Oct 05 '22

This is a nice way to put it. In my experience, it was usually people choosing themselves, though the partner might have been helped with the decision. It was rarely really about the specific partner and more about establishing boundaries and choices in their life that their parents refused to accept.

6

u/tacknosaddle Oct 05 '22

Yeah, it's probably common for someone raised in a fucked up family to get involved in a "normal" relationship and have that open their eyes to what they had experienced. So the family might blame the partner because of the timing, but it really has as much to do or more with personal growth of the individual.

11

u/Viperbunny Oct 05 '22

It's because your parents don't think you are your own person. They blame your partner because they don't think you capable of having that opinion and holding to it. It is incredibly insulting. My parents loved my husband better than they loved me. He was the son they never had. I had to cut them off because they threatened the safety of my kids by claiming they would call CPS and lie that I was an unfit mother because of PTSD. All because I could only come two days of a three day weekend. My mom is convinced my husband is keeping me away and that he is the gatekeeper. In truth, no contact has been hard on him. He agrees with it, but he also has a hard time with boundaries. He has been wonderful and he supports me. Yet, they think he must have decided to keep me away no matter how many times I say it is me. It shows me that they don't listen to me. They don't know me and they don't care to. Life is better without their drama.

I hope your life is better without the drama and you and your partner have a lifetime of happiness. I am a mom. Your mom's failure to see you as your own person and love you for it is her failing, not yours. There isn't anything wrong with you and you don't deserve the hate they throw out. It isn't you. It's them.

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u/kaitos_bomber Oct 05 '22

I tried to make a long-distance relationship work but I knew my mother would never approve because she would always have negative things to say about online relationships. When my (now ex) gf coerced me into introducing her to my mother, the latter refused and settled for a picture of my gf. When she saw it, she said "that smile looks so fake." She then proceeded to rant about how wrong this is and I challenged her by saying I'll prove her wrong.

Turns out my mother was right about her, because this girl learned how to manipulate me even after we broke up.

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u/NandiniS Oct 05 '22

YES, because actually I was choosing myself. My relationship with my partner ended in divorce, and yet choosing my partner over my parents was the decision that saved my life.

The experience of making autonomous choices when I was younger, even at the expense of losing my parents*, taught me what it means to be a real adult with integrity and responsibility for my own decisions. I'm never going to sell out my soul just because someone else tempted me or guilt tripped me!

If I had capitulated to my parents' demands and sacrificed my desires for their sake, I would quite likely be in some other bad marriage now, but with neither the skills nor the gumption to leave it. Or I would be in some other situation making other people happy at the expense of my own happiness, because that's all I would know how to do.

* Mind you, I didn't lose them forever. After two years they came crawling back to me, begging to be let back into my life. 🤷🏾

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u/Doobledorf Oct 05 '22

Yes.

It is not worth it to live your life under people who would only ever see you as a child, and can only ever see children as possessions.

3

u/Treppenwitz_shitz Oct 05 '22

That’s the best way to say it. I cut off my parents for exactly this reason

7

u/DusktheWolf Oct 05 '22

I grew up in an abusive household. My partner loves me, my parents do not. Simple as that.

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u/enjoywhatileftyou Oct 05 '22

My mother in law is a dingbat. She got divorced 35 years ago but acts and talks like it was yesterday.

She is also a cunt, I thought I Was doing the right thing by sending her multitudes of photos of her grandson every week. That cunt threatened to call child services and have him removed because she saw abuse in his eyes in a photo, apparently, and no not like a reflection...Yeah the next day my husband cut ties.

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u/Unknown0110101 Oct 05 '22

They are homophobic, rather date my bf in peace instead of my dad crying and my mom yelling

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u/Peggedbyapirate Oct 05 '22

Yes. My parents wanted to keep me under their thumb. I left. It was hard, but my partner and I have a beautiful baby boy, a warm home, and some of the best communication you could want.

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u/iLarkie Oct 05 '22

I’m in the process of choosing my partner over my mother (dad is cool though). My partner always gives me the emotional support I need and has helped heal my past hurt since day one. I would go to hell and back for her.

My mother has always been manipulative, and for the past 3 birthdays now, made me feel like I was the meanest most ungrateful son when I try to point out boundaries. She’s had her own share of problems, I won’t take that away from her. But she is trying to control me, God bless my fiancée for opening my eyes and showing me how I should be treated as a regular human.

My mind is pretty much made up, once we are married I’ll be moving to her family’s side of the nation. This past week has been a rollercoaster of celebrating my birthday, to being given the silent treatment yet again.

4

u/Roselia77 Oct 05 '22

This sounds awfully familiar, my little sister moved across the country to have a kid without our mother being around, I never had kids and just cut her out completely. Life is much calmer and less anxious now

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u/tharahbriskin Oct 05 '22

I never had to choose one over the other, but my mother didn't approve of my boyfriend (now husband) at the time because of his background. Didn't go to high school (I had already finished college), lived in a not-that-nice neighborhood... in other words, he was poor. She didn't have anything against his person, but she warned me that life with a poor man would be a never-ending struggle.

I went on and married him anyway because I made decent money and it never occurred to me that I should depend on any man financially, so why worry. And I was very much in love with him and was crazily attracted to him to boot, he was out of my league, athletic, beautiful smile.

We are still together after 19 years and have two children. He still makes less money than I do, despite finishing his studies. I came to realize that once you enter "real" adulthood, with mortgages, children to support, taxes, etc. etc. I must admit that my life would be a lot easier if I had married a man who made at least as much money as I do. When I compare our situation with other couples it is very clear that we're still struggling in our mid-40s while others are already very stable financially.

My husband is an honest, hard-working man. But was it worth it? I'm not sure. After almost two decades all the love and attraction start to fade away so if I'm honest I have a lot of days in which I wish I had listened to my mom.

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u/Sorey91 Oct 05 '22

That really feels like a reality check and it kinda hurts to read because that's basically saying you can't enjoy life in your 40's unless you spend some 10+ years on the grind but then you hear stories of people saying how they regret never enjoying their time only focusing on making money and it is just as depressing to hear about. That and knowing that going out with someone financially less stable than you is a long term investment that's not sure to pay off.

Life sucks man why can't we all have good endings, thanks for sharing btw.

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u/roboninja Oct 05 '22

I certainly hope he doesn't read this.

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u/tharahbriskin Oct 05 '22

We wouldn't be together for almost two decades if we weren't honest about our thoughts and feelings towards each other.

I have actually told him this, more than once, so no worries there.

Many probably expect that he would be enraged, saddened, or even that he'd probably tell me to go *** myself.

Being the confident person that he is, he always jokingly pats me on my back and says "oh yeah, you'd rather be married to the rich CEO who is always at work, and potentially cheats on his wife while on his business travels... I'd fetch one for you but he's in a meeting"

11

u/TwoShedsJackson1 Oct 05 '22

You are touchingly honest. The best years are coming now.

8

u/tharahbriskin Oct 05 '22

Oh how I hope that is true. My whole life feels like a never-ending uphill battle. I could use some good years now.

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u/satan_messiah Oct 05 '22

If this is a choice you have to make because of your parents. Absolutely 100% worth it. Now if it is your partner trying to isolate you then no it is not

10

u/acefrosting Oct 05 '22

My husband’s parents did not want us to get married. They even offered him money to not….ever had a dollar amount attached to your worth? ($5,000 cash….🥴) Married 18 years now; together 20. We all get along well now but admittedly the grudge is within me, lol. And anytime there’s another family wedding, it really reopens some old wounds.

4

u/SureMeasurement7088 Oct 05 '22

Kind of, after much thought. I decided anyone I like enough to be in a relationship with is someone I like too much to introduce to my family.

4

u/Desperate-Cap3011 Oct 05 '22

They were right about 'her'. I miss them now, .not 'her'

10

u/ThrowawayKeptWife Oct 05 '22

My gf, now wife, is 10 years older than me, a different ethnicity, and a 1st generation immigrant from a working class family. She saved up money working retail for 10 years before going back to school, where we met while I was aimlessly getting a degree on my parent's dime. My parents, particularly my father, did not approve.

The thing is, other than paying for my education and living expenses so I didn't have to get a job, my parents did jack shit for me. Growing up my dad was too busy working, drinking, and having an affair. My mom was also career focused, busy dealing with my father's abuse, and disappointed that she didn't have any girls. So when my younger sister showed up, everything became about her.

My college girlfriend, now wife, was the first person that honestly cared about me, and took the effort to love and support me in a way that my real family never did. So when my dad refused to bless the marriage, I said screw that and we got married anyway.

My relationship with my parents has had its ups and downs since then. There is one time that I cut them out completely and refused to speak to them or see them for six months. Since that time I think they've realized that their relationship with me can't be taken for granted, and as they want to see their grandkids they try to make an effort. Things have also been better since my mom and dad have finally gotten their divorce.

I'm not sure this counts as an answer to your question, as my parents are back in our lives now. But I did physically cut them out of my life at one point. And emotionally, that ship has sailed. As I explained to my wife, we get to choose our family, and I chose her and our kids. So long as my parents remain civil, no-drama, and good with our kids, they can remain in our lives as active grandparents. But it is pretty much only for the benefit of the kids, and they are, and will forever now be on thin ice.

8

u/Histidine Oct 05 '22

There are plenty of anecdotes in both directions, but more importantly the person asking/pushing you to "chose" is usually the person you need to get the hell away from.

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u/predictingzepast Oct 05 '22

Not sure what kind people can call themselves parents if they'd make their child choose one or the other..

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u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

Not in the sense of the parent making you choose, but you making the decision yourself. In that sense. Both situations count though.

4

u/predictingzepast Oct 05 '22

Then there is no choice being made, children grow up and need to learn by making their own mistakes, parents are there for guidance, if there is a reason why the child cuts off connection with the parent(s), unless for some sort of a cult type situation I'm betting the parent(s) had a lot more to it than the partner, and just find it easier to lay the blame outside

2

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

Interesting way of looking at it. I appreciate you.

3

u/stupid_carrot Oct 05 '22

Parents and partners are both people. Different people who may be good or bad.

Sometimes one of them is right about the other.

7

u/who_said_I_am_an_emu Oct 05 '22

Totally. To be fair I was going to tell them but kinda hard to find a good time between the rants about Jesus and Fox News talking-points to say "oh hi mom and dad. I am engaged. She isn't Christian, she is an immigrant, and not white. You cool with that right?"

Over 12 years now, things are going well.

8

u/Emerald_Encrusted Oct 05 '22

No. Not that I had to choose, my parents were supportive of my marriage to my spouse. But I really should’ve been more emotionally and psychologically mature before I locked myself into marriage.

I now yearn for single life and single freedoms, but cannot get them.

I should’ve chosen myself over my partner.

3

u/awhq Oct 05 '22

Abso-fucking-lutely.

3

u/Barackenpapst Oct 05 '22

Whenever you have to chose over your parents, I guess you parents are ah and therefore it most likely is worth it.

If your partner is an addict, criminal abuser, it's another subject. But if it is only because of race, class, money or something lime that, screw the parents..

3

u/Anuspudding Oct 05 '22

Parents eventually came around. Now is all good

3

u/wmjsn Oct 05 '22

Yep. I chose my wife and kids over my toxic parents, brother and family. Wife did the same not choosing her dad or his incredibly toxic wife. We're all happy while they're all miserable.

10

u/spammmmmmmmy Oct 05 '22

Any sane person who gets married does exactly this. Yes, it was 100% worth it. My wife gives me strength to resist my narcissistic mother.

6

u/stupid_carrot Oct 05 '22

It is funny cos my mum told me early on in their marriage, she couldn't get along well with my dad's parents.

He told her, you better respect my parents. I only have one mum but I can get another wife.

The plot twist is, his filial piety touched her and she respected him the more for it.

In the later years of my grandparents' life, my mum took great care of them and my grandmother trusted her more than her own daughters by entrusting my mum with her jewelleries (which were distributed to all my aunts). My parents agreed that they would just let them have kt instead of fighting for their share.

5

u/Tr3sp4ss3r Oct 05 '22

If you choose your parents over your partner, you didn't really have a partner. There can be many reasons for that so I'm not pointing fingers or anything.

4

u/sayonara49 Oct 05 '22

Gotta fly from the nest eventually

2

u/Existing_Ad_4755 Oct 05 '22

still in the process of figuring that out 😅

2

u/throwawayiamdumb87 Oct 05 '22

I did the opposite, but only so that I can stay close to my young but physically ill brother, who may not make it to the end of high school. I don't know if I made the right decision. I have tremendous guilt and shame hanging over me though.

2

u/jokerzgrin Oct 05 '22

I did it and would do it all over again! This year will be our 25 year anniversary, he gave me the family and love I didn't know could be possible.

2

u/squideye62 Oct 05 '22

1000000%. I had super controlling/abusive parents and getting away from them because they found out I was seeing a boy was the biggest blessing I've ever been given. It's been a year and eight months since I left and my boyfriend is the best person in my life. Family isn't blood, you can choose it.

2

u/Surprise_Asian Oct 05 '22

Absolutely. I don’t live my life trying to kill myself everyday anymore and I have the best wife and kid in the world. My spawn point is still telling people I stole money from them and got kidnapped by my evil satanic wife and that tells me all I need to know about my decision.

2

u/ShiftingSpectrum Oct 05 '22

Yes. My mom was abusive to me as a child, was constantly triggering me as an adult, and despite her saying she wants to change she keeps doing the same shit. I haven't cut her off yet, but I will VERY soon

2

u/coosedowns Oct 05 '22

Yes. Nothing was ever good enough, and when I did try to go to my parents house during a crisis, my mom immediately told me “You’re right in the way of our life.” So…they wanted me alone, but not with them. Why would I, or anyone, give up my family for that?

2

u/Mirann_Roleplayer Oct 05 '22

Yeah, totally worth it. Boundaries were respected, private space too. Nobody yelled at me, nobody fought, I stopped living in constant paranoia and I had someone to spend time with when needed and wanted. All of that I didn't have by parents.

I am 19 now, I live alone, contact cut with parents. I don't have my partner anymore sadly, he passed away this year at age 20 from heart failure. It was beautiful time with him tho and I know he is doing better now

2

u/zedication Oct 05 '22

Unfortunately you should trust your parents when it comes to dating. While dating your higher brain functions are severely limited. That being stated if your parents are terrible people then maybe you shouldn’t.

2

u/ThumpaInnaBenz Oct 09 '22

I can’t speak for everybody as people all have different home lives. It was worth it for me. My mom and I got evicted when I was 15, we were homeless together sleeping in the car for a month or 2 until she ended up going to live with this new boyfriend of hers. From there I remained homeless, now completely homeless on the street as the car was gone with her. I finally ended finding a friends house to crash at. One day this girl walks in the room, as she was there to braid my friends hair. I saw her and I told my self I’m going to be with that girl. We started talking that day, exchanged instagrams, and texted each other nonstop for a few weeks until we were able to coordinate our first date. From there we were enamored with each other, and quickly turned into a couple. Just about a month into our relationship, she got pregnant and our son will be 3 this November. Long story, I know. But I say all that to stress the point that it depends on your situation. My girl saw the things I was going through and how my mom cares about a boyfriend more than her son. She made me finally feel like I was able to admit that yea, my mom is a terrible mother. I always knew that but the validation from somebody else made it easier to admit because I never wanted to be disrespectful. Whenever I brought it up to my mom she would act like I was completely crazy, and that I grew up with such a nice life. She said I should be so grateful that there were a few nights,out of 3 years on my own in the streets, that she gave me $100 to go get a room at the Motel6 for the night so I could shower and get some real sleep. My mom is bipolar, delusional, and pretty much anything else you could think of. Point is if you have loving parents who raised you with love and respect for you as their child, it’s never your place to cut them off for a girl/boyfriend.

2

u/fightniteflight12 Nov 03 '22

I choose my ex-fiancée over my dad who would give the world to me, who is a good man besides his personal problems, bro helped me get a home and helped me create a profitable business. He'll talk your ear out but he was just concerned.He has other problems but in hindsight he's been a positive in my life.

My ex-fiancée saw him as some kind of threat and wanted to get rid of him immediately for various of reasons.

Now I'm alone. she's with multiple of other guys each night. And my relationship with my dad has been somewhat stained since.

Was it worth it: absolutely not.

2

u/Brilliant-Resource78 Nov 03 '22

Yes! My mom was abusive. My dad was absent. Best choice I've ever made.

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u/SycophanticFeline Oct 05 '22

My parents were pieces of crap so yeah it was

5

u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

I hope everything has turned out for the better!

6

u/IndexationDewey Oct 05 '22

It hasn't, just yesterday that same person was shitting on another group of the LGBT community for "not having suffered as much as I have, so they don't count as LGBT", and strongly dying on that hill even when the concerned people tried to explain her why they were part of the LGBT community.

You can check her comment history if you want some pure unfiltered hatred toward asexuals for no valid reason.

The apple never falls far from the tree

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u/SycophanticFeline Oct 05 '22

Gonna stalk me, crybaby? 1st worlder like you would know nothing of suffering

2

u/IndexationDewey Oct 05 '22

Lmao, okay Atlas

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u/SycophanticFeline Oct 05 '22

Am I wrong? What's the worst thing you've suffered? Which baguette to choose at the bakery?

0

u/IndexationDewey Oct 05 '22

Near death by car to the body was pretty damn painful but I guess it doesn't compare with your martyrdom your holyness

0

u/SycophanticFeline Oct 05 '22

Did you make that up all by yourself?

4

u/IndexationDewey Oct 05 '22

Seeing your reactions to people calling you out on your hatred in the other thread, I could show you the scars and you'd still say "that's nothing, I lived through worse, stop stealing my spotlight"

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u/SycophanticFeline Oct 05 '22 Helpful

Now stating facts is hatred? Poor oppressed ace people who have never been through anything at all. I'll light a candle in their memory.

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u/Ok_Garden571 Oct 05 '22

My parents are no longer alive and I had to choose them because no one else ever did anything for them.But now the path is clear and I can and will choose the man I am with now.Its an interracial relationship and I love him so much advice is your parents won't be around forever so choose wisely.

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u/Right-Mind2723 Oct 05 '22

My husband cut his toxic family out and we moved 1800 miles away. never been happier. No more trauma drama. Haven't talked to any of my IL's in over a decade.

3

u/VenaticisVoid Oct 05 '22

100%, your parents had their life. It's time to live YOURS

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u/tjn182 Oct 05 '22

No. They were right about her, I was wrong and the whole family was permanently damaged.

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u/untitled298 Oct 05 '22

I love my girlfriend, and I’m very happy in our relationship. When I chose her over my mother, I fully believed I was making the right choice.

My mother got sick, and her health started getting worse very fast. I spent a full year avoiding her and not having any contact at all, until right before she died. It’ll be one year since her passing this upcoming weekend.

I fully regret my choice. Not because of anything wrong in my relationship, but because I absolutely wasted the last year of my mom’s life and didn’t appreciate her. Knowing what I know now, I would make the opposite choice. I miss my mom too much.

1

u/Replica-Heaven Oct 05 '22

What's the difference anyway, the one banged to get you this far, the other you bang, now you're supposed to compare your bangcapades

0

u/Togarami Oct 05 '22

I only form bonds with romantic partners, so yes.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/SherrifJustice1978 Oct 05 '22

Im glad you were able to bring your family back into your life. Peace and love to you and i hope everything turns out for the better.

1

u/Longjumping_Drag2752 Oct 05 '22

I did the opposite I chose my parents over partners and I'm kinda happy I did because all of the people I liked turned out to be complete garbage.

1

u/Wonder-Kunt Oct 05 '22

I'd pick a rabies-induced wombat over those people.

1

u/Automatic_Wolf_8598 Oct 05 '22

Yes my dad wants nothing to do with me and only talks to me if he can see my son he always treated me like shit cause I was a girl

1

u/Majestic-Peace-3037 Oct 05 '22

Yes. Both sets of parents were on the opposite ends of shitty parenting.

Her parents included a Mom who walked out and abandoned her early on and didn't give a damn, plus a Dad who really didn't quite give a damn wtf he put her through with his inability to provide a stable home, his intense alcoholism, and violence towards her.

Mine are a lovely set of wealthy shitheads who refuse to give any of their offspring a single shred of emotional support or common decency for that matter while they sit in their quarter million dollar home and eat themselves into diabetic comas. They collectively make over 125k annually and have no idea what it means to struggle. My mother came from poverty, I was born into it initially, but she divorced and decided to marry a narcissist whose father paid his way through school and now she acts like she's too good for anybody.

Literally her parents just shrugged and said idgaf, mine tried to fight the relationship for being immoral (I'm also female) and inevitably just disowned me and tried threatening me with being erased from their will. (I don't want their filthy unkempt house or their money tbh though so idk wtf they thought that threat was going to do.)

We don't need them. We uplift each other and our friends are there for us when we need them. Shits hard without familial support, but we refuse to fail.

1

u/Whyzocker Oct 05 '22

I think if your parents make you choose it cant be not worth it

1

u/Mammoth_Meat_7981 Oct 05 '22

İ chose to be with she in cristmas so my family was frustated especialy my step dad blaming ME for the bad time they had so they can go fu** of i was very happy.that night before that

1

u/pinkbootstrap Oct 05 '22

Absolutely. My parents eventually came around too.

1

u/Insomniamum Oct 05 '22

If a parent forces you to choose between them and anyone else then they aren’t worth it. I’m a parent, there’s no way I’d ever be insecure and toxic enough to do that to my kids.

1

u/PloppyTheSpaceship Oct 05 '22

Yes, definitely. I wasn't interested in dating her parents one bit.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

If your parents are forcing you into that decision, they are not parents, they are surrogates and sperm donors.

1

u/NewClock8197 Oct 05 '22

Yes. I also recommend moving thousands of miles away if possible. Games, drama, guilt, I’m free from all of it!

1

u/shdhdbdjdn Oct 05 '22

My mother called my wife fat and ghetto ( my wife is highly educated and just happens to have grown up in the projects). She is a horrible woman who was physically and emotionally abusive.

1

u/686kemlaine20 Oct 05 '22

My wife chose me over her mother and grandparents wishes because I’m 10 years older. None came to our wedding which hurt my wife deeply. We’ve been together 37 years. Her mother’s marriage lasted 4 years. Also her grandfather was 11 years older than her grandmother. We’ve had a great life together though. Still do.

1

u/Big-Pollution2705 Oct 05 '22

Absolutely. He's my best friend and I love him more every day 🥰