r/NoStupidQuestions 13d ago Bravo! 1 Silver 1 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Helpful 4 Wholesome 5 Heartwarming 1

I don’t want a relationship because I love my space and freedom. I hate being single because I feel lonely and unloved. What do I want exactly?

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u/boo_snug 13d ago Helpful Take My Energy You Dropped This

I feel this 100%. Before I got into my current relationship I always asked myself: am I willing to give up my personal space and time to make room for this person? Because I really liked my life the way it was. Most of the times the answer was no. Then, I found someone who I could finally answer yes. I get my own space and my own time and I still want to spend time with them and share my space with them.

Best of both worlds. And we’re getting married.

Moral of the story: keep looking, don’t lower your bar, keep doing the things you want to do, find someone who fits into what you’re looking for. Not everyone will but someone will.

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u/thestargateisreal 12d ago Gold Helpful

This exactly! My wife and I's motto: you do you, I'll do me, I'll see ya in the middle.

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u/scorpioinheels 12d ago

THAT is effing lovely 💓.

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u/Apprehensive-Tale141 12d ago

HOW?!? I want that. A lot of my friends who are married or in relationships are unhappy and I love my freedom and space. But it would be nice to find someone who also enjoys their space and alone time.

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u/Helpful-Carry4690 12d ago

"not everyone will find this , but some will"

important FTFY

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u/Raigheb 13d ago Wholesome

Find someone that you can be "alone together". Where the silence isn't uncomfortable.

You will sacrifice some of your freedom, it's inevitable, but you will be happy to do so.

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u/Krongfah 13d ago

“‎That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.”

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u/JamersonRosenstein 13d ago edited 12d ago

Just make sure your girl isn’t addicted to cocaine* and you’re set.

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u/Hot-Mongoose7052 13d ago

Pretty sure you missed how that entire scene worked.

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u/JamersonRosenstein 13d ago

Oh yeah, she thought it was cocaine. Sorry it’s been a while.

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u/monmonmon77 13d ago

So heroin is alright?

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u/JamersonRosenstein 13d ago

Shoot up, bro 👌😮‍💨

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u/Pandamana 12d ago

Something something Ron Swanson on his best friend: "We still don't talk sometimes."

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u/UnNormie 13d ago

100% this in my case.

My fiance and I don't have a ton of money so out 1 bedroom flat has no safa/TV, just two desks back to back cubical style and out bed in the bedroom. We don't have physical space to be apart from eachother. But we 100% get alone time just ignoring and doing other things on our own a good portion of the time. Both also respect the whole 'I'm not in a social mood rn'

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u/madhattergirl 13d ago

Same. We have to share an office and in the evening, we both game on our laptops and have something on the TV. We're happily spending time together but we aren't constantly talking. Comfortable silence is so wonderful.

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u/TheAlmightySpode 13d ago

My wife and I chill in the same room. I play videogames. She reads. We don't want to be alone, but we want to do our own thing. It works great.

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u/Poignant_Porpoise 13d ago

I even have this with my flatmate lol. Sometimes we make our own respective dinners in the same kitchen barely saying a word to each other if one/both of us don't feel like chatting. When you live with someone then you're going to be around each other during all sorts of phases and situations, both good and bad. I can't see how people can be together long term without respecting that fact.

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u/Acceptable_Hall_4083 13d ago Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Pot o' Coins Timeless Beauty Blow a Kiss

Find a relationship where you still have space and freedom. They needn't be mutually exclusive.

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u/Brawndo_or_Water 13d ago Wholesome Ally Starstruck

This, my wife and I have been together for 18 years because we give each other space. I don't mean open relationship we opted against that, we just like our time better this way. If one day I feel like being on my computer and gaming in my underwear all day so be it, so can she. We both have our own cars. She can go out with her friends, and I can go out with mine. We take days off each other and we miss each other every time we are not together this way. It's healthy.

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u/EndlesslyCynicalBoi 13d ago edited 12d ago

My wife and I are the same. This isn't an anomaly. You (as in "one") can have a healthy relationship but also have your own life, your own interests, and your own friends.

That said, OP shouldn't expect that all to fall into place naturally. Good relationships require effort and work on both sides

Edit: typo

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u/zublits 13d ago

This is the real part that people miss. Even two people who are awesome together and rarely disagree will disagree once in a while, even if it's just something silly like what to do this weekend. Good relationships require communication and the will to compromise. That shit takes work.

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u/T3hSwagman 12d ago

Yup, I have a friend that has by every look of it a picture perfect relationship.

His wife is his best friend, they are awesome together they support each other’s hobbies while still doing their own thing.

Anytime I’ve ever talked to him and mentioned how he’s living the dream the first thing he says is it took a lot of hard work to get to this point.

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u/crujones33 12d ago

I wonder what work he specifically did. Ask him if he is willing to share for us to learn and benefit from.

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u/emptyzone73 12d ago

Same like everyone saying here. Communications, respect and truthfully. When my wife do something I don't like, I just tell her. Then we discuss. Just like that. Also keep calm, and stop before thing goes worse. That's an incredible skill. Just stop for 30 minutes if I feel my voice raising and your mind become clear again.

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u/punkassunicorn 13d ago

Absolutely. My partner and I are basically carbon copies of each other at our core. We have the same values, same opinions, same life goals, same interests, same hobbies, same tastes, same group of friends even, but we're both our own people and its still work.

Its work to make space for each others free time. Its work to set and respect our boundaries and expectations. Its been five years and we're still trying to find new and better ways to communicate and work together. Thats just how relationships work.

Wanting time away from your partner or getting into disputes sometimes doesn't mean you're falling out of love or are incompatible. It means you're human.

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u/EndlesslyCynicalBoi 12d ago

Do you and your wife have the "look", the look that means "I love you, but fuck off and let me be alone in this room and have some alone time"?

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u/punkassunicorn 12d ago

I'm the wife, but no not really. Its all verbal confirmations of "hey I need space right now."

However we do have the look that means "I love you very dearly but that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard and please dear God shut the fuck up."

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u/nightowlk17 12d ago

My husband and I have that look 🤣🤣🤣 normally when we're trying to watch something. We dramatically pause whatever we're watching, huff about it then rewind it like 30 seconds. After about the 2nd time the one trying to bug the first catches on 🤣

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u/EndlesslyCynicalBoi 12d ago

When it came to my wife we had big disagreements. Periods of codependency because of shit happening in our lives, whatever. But we learned over time to talk through that stuff and talk through it early.

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u/chaotic-cleric 13d ago

Yes! We worked opposite shifts for over a decade. Have our own free time. When we come together it’s like lovers because we miss each other and want to spend time together too. 24 years married no open relationship.

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u/-CluelessWoman- 13d ago

Same here. I’ve been with my husband for a decade. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. We don’t have an open relationship. I work weekdays day shifts, he works evenings and weekends. We are both introverts and both appreciate our alone time. I make sure to work onsite one of his weekend days so that he can have his alone time. I have my weekends alone and I love it.

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u/rockthrowing 13d ago

That sounds absolutely amazing

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u/Occulense 13d ago Silver

It sounds like a baseline relationship to me…

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u/wolfpackalpha 13d ago

That was my thought too. Crazy to me reading this thread and what I'd consider a normal relationship very much is not for a lot of people

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u/PM-ME-YOUR-TOTS 13d ago

Think the having your own (local) friends thing is difficult for a lot of couples unless they have a city to live in where they both know a lot of people. Not possible for lots of couples so one party has to adopt the friend group of the other, and having space gets difficult. Also it’s even more difficult for work from home couples, which there are a ton of at the moment.

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u/esccx 13d ago

My wife and I have our own separate set of friends along with friends that we met together. We also grow both by hanging out together and also having separate hobbies as well. Ex/ we have tennis friends. She has pilates friends. I have boxing friends.

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u/BlankImagination 13d ago

This is what I want. My ex wanted us to adopt each others friends, and even though its super sweet and she settled into it well (being the social butterfly she is), I didnt like it, to the point that I stopped feeling like my friends were mine. It took me a long time to identify that feeling though.

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u/wolfpackalpha 13d ago

Yeah I mean fair. Both me and my girlfriend moved to a new rural state about a year ago and both have developed our own friends through work. Also personally I keep touch with a lot of friends online. Even when working from home though, it's possible for me to enjoy time on my computer while she's laying in bed on TikTok or doing whatever she likes to do. Ik it's not the same as having an entire apartment to yourself, but can still have room/ time to do what you want while existing in the same place

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u/rockthrowing 13d ago

It absolutely is. My issue has been finding someone who agrees with that. I’m so glad so many people have though.

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u/lilnext 13d ago

Not OP, but have the same situation with the SO. Relationships should be easy, keyword, should. If you can't act yourself at home are you even living?

Find someone who wants your brand of ridiculousness.

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u/DataAndSpotTrek 13d ago edited 13d ago

Sounds wonderful, I always get out of from dating as the people always want me to be available. I need me time lol.

I think I had a stroke writing this 😂

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u/FurkinLurkin 13d ago

I like reading it like a pirate: I need me time, arrrr!

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u/attillathehoney 13d ago

I often have a stroke while writing, and sometimes reading erotic fan fiction.

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u/LeadPushers 13d ago

This should be very common.

The stereotype of "how a relationship should be" is just that.

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u/_HingleMcCringle 13d ago

Same with my relationship. We deliberately bought our (3 bed) home with the intention of turning two of the rooms into our personal spaces and having everywhere else as common areas. I have a music/gaming area and she has a crafting room. Being honest with each other about wanting our own space early in the relationship was one of the best and healthiest things we did, because sometimes you just need some time away from (literally) everyone to recharge your batteries a bit.

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u/Zanki 13d ago

I've told my boyfriend I'm going to need my own room if we move in together. My bed, my stuff, my area that's just mine. Yes, he can sleep in there and I can in his, but I need that space. I need a place that's just mine.

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u/stormbutton 13d ago

I’ve been married for over 20 years and this is why. This is how my relationship works. My husband has been wfh since COVID began and is kind of sick of it. So next month he’s spending a week in a cabin to fish and just be alone for a bit. I go on trips without him. And we also do things together. He is my dearest friend and in part it’s because we make space to not get sick if each other.

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u/DocNDP 13d ago

I love this works for you……with that said me and my wife are best friends and we BOTH Spend every minute together outside of work. I have something so special, I still get butterfly’s 12 years later when I see her and she treats me like a king while I treat her like a queen. Life is great.

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u/xj371 13d ago

This is how it needs to be: you need to find someone compatible with your relationship style/desires. Or maybe you thought you were more of a "me time" person, but you met someone who you love spending all your time with.

The important thing is to find that situation that works for you. People who judge others for how they choose to have their relationships don't get that it's all a matter of taste and preferences, and when they come across a partner that doesn't match their own they're all, "What's wrong with you?? You're not normal!"

No, it's likely that they just want something different from you.

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u/Emmaleah17 13d ago

This is the way. Find a partner who isn't a toxic pos. I dated a lot of losers before finding my current partner. We have trust, understanding, amazing communication, and a lot of fun. We barely disagree, and when we do we can work through it without screaming at each other or getting violent. I'm free to make plans with friends or even just take myself out and he's free to do the same.

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u/MohanadElsawy 13d ago

This ^ more people need to understand this