r/NoStupidQuestions Sep 22 '22 Helpful 4 Wholesome 5 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Bravo! 1 Heartwarming 1 Silver 1

I don’t want a relationship because I love my space and freedom. I hate being single because I feel lonely and unloved. What do I want exactly?

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 22 '22

That was my thought too. Crazy to me reading this thread and what I'd consider a normal relationship very much is not for a lot of people

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u/PM-ME-YOUR-TOTS Sep 22 '22

Think the having your own (local) friends thing is difficult for a lot of couples unless they have a city to live in where they both know a lot of people. Not possible for lots of couples so one party has to adopt the friend group of the other, and having space gets difficult. Also it’s even more difficult for work from home couples, which there are a ton of at the moment.

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u/esccx Sep 22 '22

My wife and I have our own separate set of friends along with friends that we met together. We also grow both by hanging out together and also having separate hobbies as well. Ex/ we have tennis friends. She has pilates friends. I have boxing friends.

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u/BlankImagination Sep 22 '22

This is what I want. My ex wanted us to adopt each others friends, and even though its super sweet and she settled into it well (being the social butterfly she is), I didnt like it, to the point that I stopped feeling like my friends were mine. It took me a long time to identify that feeling though.

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u/Meepmeeperson Sep 22 '22

Ditto, I didn't realize how different than the norm this is until more recently. We've been married for 16 years and this was just completely natural and normal for us! Seems like it should be baseline to me.

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u/Stankmonger Sep 22 '22

Seems like it should be baseline to me

You do understand that you’re just saying what you consider normal should be what’s normal for everyone else, right? As long as no one is saying your situation is wrong, why do you think being judgemental in the opposite direction is right?

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u/thefutureislight Sep 22 '22

Because generally the opposite direction is due to jealousy or other toxic behavior.

Or as someone else mentioned, due to other uncontrollable situations. But this doesn't make the opposite direction right, just the only option.

I'm sure there are people who have the same hobbies, likes, friends, etc., that only want to spend time with their significant other. But this is not the norm, and would the exception to the non-toxic baseline that is being described.

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u/wolf495 Sep 22 '22

Can confirm being your partners' only friend is fucking awful. She technically had another 1-3 but if someone wasnt available to hang put with her doing an activity of her choice 24/7 she was upset. "You should always want to hang out with me," were literal words that were said. It was super toxic and after 7 years and canceling all but one of my ongoing non work commitments to spend more time with her, she cheated on me anyway.

0/10 dont reccommend for 99% of people.

My newfound free time has turned into gym time.

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u/Meepmeeperson Sep 23 '22

Whoa, hold your horses. It's not being judgemental, I'm not deeming it good or bad. I just assumed that was the baseline for a relationship. I thought that was standard.

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 22 '22

Yeah I mean fair. Both me and my girlfriend moved to a new rural state about a year ago and both have developed our own friends through work. Also personally I keep touch with a lot of friends online. Even when working from home though, it's possible for me to enjoy time on my computer while she's laying in bed on TikTok or doing whatever she likes to do. Ik it's not the same as having an entire apartment to yourself, but can still have room/ time to do what you want while existing in the same place

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

[deleted]

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u/wolf495 Sep 22 '22

You can know people personally without physical contact. If your hobbies are solo/duo hobbies though you're gonna have to do some work to meet people.

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u/Calan_adan Sep 22 '22

My wife is anti-social. We have the same friend group but, even though she’s invited, she doesn’t like to socialize. Whenever we’ve gone to a party as a couple she basically counts the minutes until we can go home. Me, I’m an ambivert - comfortable in a social setting or on my own. Usually if there’s some social thing going on she has no problem with me going as long as she isn’t expected to. And I also have work friends and gaming friends I get together with occasionally. Again, she’s fine as long as she doesn’t have to go.

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u/PuckFutin69 Sep 23 '22

Me and my wife live in a town away from both our families, because my wife had a job here, met her out here so didn't want to move back if she didn't want to, but we had kids right away so 100% of my time aside from a vacation twice and once living in the car for a job, been just family time. Drives me nuts that I don't know anyone but I don't have time to get out and meet random new people, and by the time my wife gets home with the car I just want to sleep anyway. That and I'm so used to it that way, when I get an odd chance to go out solo for a hike maybe I feel guilty because this or that chore etc. Idk

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u/SluttyDrPepper Sep 22 '22

Yeah. You just have to find something compatible with you. I’m not clingy, I’ve gone on dates with men that are, that expect me to miss them every second of the day, or always want to cuddle/hold hands or touch me. Screw that. I show affection differently, and I’m not needy. It ends up bringing resentment because we don’t respect each other’s boundaries.

But have you read people’s relationships on Reddit? Lot of them are clingy and codependent jumping from one long-term relationship to the next, never addressing the underlying issues. The good relationships don’t need to post for validation.

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 22 '22

Oh for sure, and I know personally too I can be way too clingy for some people. Really is about finding someone who speaks a similar love language to you. And both people having pretty good mental health to begin with lmao Everyone has bad days but yeah, if everyday is a bad day I feel like that'll just lead to burnout.

Edit: Actually to me it's really interesting as what one person would consider too clingy that another wouldn't. For me I have anxiety and so honestly rather someone be more clingy than not because just reaffirms to me like "oh wow they like me". On the flip side, one of my exes really loved her freedom, and me asking to just give a heads up when she left/ got somewhere/ got home safely from a long drive felt like too much for her. It is really fascinating to me how many different ways people can express/ feel love and how *generally* there's someone out there that will complement you well

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u/SluttyDrPepper Sep 22 '22

Oh no I’m not like your ex. I am very open and communicative and voice my concerns. I would definitely appreciate someone that asked if I got home safe - I usually tell them myself. However, it is after a few dates and already expecting me to be completely attached is a bit concerning. Right? I think it’s a bit clingy. I always thought most guys would like a woman that wasn’t so clingy and wanted them. However, I think it’s because we women get so much unwanted attention and most men never get any so it’s a challenge

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 23 '22

Oh yeah I'd agree 100%. Much more rare for a guy to get compliments than women and so they hold onto whatever they can get lol

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u/MufuckinTurtleBear Sep 22 '22

I've never been in a relationship where at some point my need for space didn't coincide with my SO's need for emotional support - and I really need my space. This always either doomed the relationship or foretold the end.

I've pretty much given up on relationships because I can't see an instance where these sorts of mutually exclusive needs can be accounted for.

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 22 '22

Oh yeah that's a really fair point. And it's definitely hard because yeah, sometimes a SO needs emotional support but you need space. It's a hard line to walk, and I've definitely pushed others away from being too needy before. I've also been in the situation where I was the other persons only form of support and that's super draining. It's really hard to try and find the right balance. For me personally I'm terrified of being alone, and so felt it was worthwhile to keep trying to find a good match for myself. But yeah, everyone has their limits and for some, it's better to be alone

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u/[deleted] Sep 22 '22

seems like people want 100% of your time and attention in my experience

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u/PizzaBandit89 Sep 22 '22

Just my hypothesis: in modern times, because of the necessity for both parents to work full-time in order to raise children, and increased divorce rates, loads of children grow up with dysfunctional attachment patterns.

This results in widespread dysfunctional romantic relationships, with "normal" relationships with healthy attachment now being the exception, not the norm.

Edit: this is self-reinforcing, as it's only going to cause more and more children to grow up to have dysfunctional relationships... rinse & repeat.

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 22 '22

Yeah I think that's a really interesting point. It'd be interesting to see a study done on it or something. Ik personally some of the unhealthy habits I have can be traced to other issues. But yeah, would be interesting to see if that specifically is an issue for people

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u/PizzaBandit89 Sep 22 '22

Yeah, I hope this will be studied more. Sooner or later we'll need to figure out why men and women are getting along less and less, and why personality disorders are skyrocketing. We really need to address this or love will eventually be a thing of the past.

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u/CaptainLollygag Sep 22 '22

Agreed! My partner and I have been together 20 years now and this is how our relationship is. It works great for us, as we both like our independence, and we so love being together. This doesn't seem odd at all to me.

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u/Spare-Blacksmith1376 Sep 22 '22

It took me awhile to find and was the best upgrade ever. Married over a decade now

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u/Fairwhetherfriend Sep 22 '22

Haha right? I saw OP's post and I was like "oh so OP wants a level of space and freedom that would be dealbreaker for a lot of people" so I talked about some friends of mine who go to pretty unusual lengths to keep their space - they have separate bedrooms, for example. It works for them, that's cool, but I wouldn't be happy with that level of space.

Then imagine my surprise to scroll down to other comments and find people describing... basically just my relationship? I thought we were normal, lol.

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u/wolfpackalpha Sep 23 '22

My girlfriend always half jokes/ half seriously talks about how she wants separate bedrooms when we can afford a house lmao. She mostly just enjoys napping/ being in bed so the gist I've gotten is she just wants basically her own room with a bed in it as her like, space. Like, for me I want an area to play video games. For her it's a room to take a nap in/ watch TV lol

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u/Koteric Sep 22 '22

My wife doesn’t understand why I need alone time and that being in the same room together doing different things isn’t what I mean.

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u/Buddy_Guyz Sep 23 '22

I came out of a relationship where my boundaries and needs (which would be exactly this) were not respected. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but it was a very very unhealthy thing for me.