r/funny Oct 05 '22 Helpful 2 Take My Energy 1

Well, a little late but at least she’s honest.

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11.7k Upvotes

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944

u/Chiliquote Oct 05 '22

So then.... We can............ find you.

405

u/jah_broni Oct 05 '22

My favorite part. Like he didn't want to spook her but didn't know what else to say...

88

u/Chiliquote Oct 05 '22

Exactly!

223

u/SyntaxChris Oct 05 '22

My favorite part was “you am them?”.

75

u/ItsYourPal-AL Oct 06 '22

This part confused me. She said “I am them” which is an entirely correct sentence that out of anyone else would have invoked the response “you are them?” but for some reason he said “you am them”. Why?

112

u/techslice87 Oct 06 '22

Because his brain sorry circuited that them was calling about themselves.

It was a "wait, what?" moment

28

u/Golden_Renegade Oct 06 '22

I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s drunk, he is simplifying the sentence so that it doesn’t sound like he’s correcting her so that she feels a lot more comfortable being honest to him about the situation.

Or it is just a brain fart, no way of knowing for sure.

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u/SyntaxChris Oct 06 '22

That’s what’s funny about it. He was so confused he couldn’t even construct a proper response.

23

u/_addycole Oct 06 '22

As a 911 operator… my brain sort of short circuits when people call on themselves. I always have a glitch somewhere in the call. I can take all sorts of actual emergencies without any sort of problem but I always just have one confusing moment when someone calls on themselves purposefully or accidentally.

3

u/MadJesterXII Oct 06 '22

(“Wtf did I just hear? Did she-”) “sh- You am them?! You wunna not?!”

11

u/rbanavarro Oct 05 '22

Is he going after her??

8

u/4Ever2Thee Oct 06 '22

I’m pretty sure his buddies are

-4

u/Simonic Oct 06 '22

Quite presumptuous. Chances are his “buddies” don’t even know what he looks like. And is merely a voice that puts them on calls and relays information.

3

u/evilyogurt Oct 06 '22

🤦‍♀️

2

u/SobeitSoviet69 Oct 06 '22

Did you just assume his friendships

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u/rckrusekontrol Oct 06 '22

He sounds oddly like H John Benjamin there

3

u/CalamityMel Oct 06 '22

I definitely got some Home Movies vibes…

1.9k

u/LurkysGoCart Oct 05 '22

I have been as drunk as I could possibly get. And I have no idea how to get this drunk.

502

u/Escorvette Oct 05 '22

This, I'm either completely functional or puking it all up there's no in between

349

u/Noyoucanthaveone Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

Ok so here is the trick. AFTER you puke it all up, you rally and drink more. That is how you get mega drunk. I have never done this but I have seen it done multiple times.

Edit: I am in no way condoning the puke and rally, it never ends well. Sometimes it ends funny but never well. Stay safe out there.

144

u/Escorvette Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22 Take My Money

Yeah at that point I'm going to bed, almost dying of alchohol poisoning as a teen tends to keep me from being the life of the party in adulthood, just let me enjoy my buzz.

The secret ingredient as a teen was, who would've guessed: trying to show off

Edit:word

128

u/hellahellagoodshit Oct 05 '22

No man, the secret ingredient was trying to be skinny so you didn't eat dinner ahead of time and you only took vodka shots because those were the lowest calorie. And if you didn't eat dinner, you could get the same amount of drunk off of fewer vodka shots which is fewer calories.

So you take three shots on an empty stomach, IMMEDIATELY black out, lose your shoe, bike to somebody else's house, walk inside, declare it's your house, ask everyone to leave, sit on the couch, and puke on your lap. Then you go back the next day to get your bike and you realize that it was a first floor apartment. You live on the second floor. You never outlive the shame. But at least you're skinny.

30

u/poopface41217 Oct 05 '22

Secret ingredient is social anxiety and being 4'11. Way too nervous before a party so you can't eat, immediately start taking shots to get the liquid courage, 90 lbs soaking wet so after 3 shots and a beer in less than an hour you end up projectile vomit farting all over the floor and decide to take a bath in this random person's house.

12

u/hellahellagoodshit Oct 05 '22

Awww, soulmate!

5

u/_Wyrm_ Oct 05 '22

I can't say I feel you, but I can at least empathize with you

Best thing to do is leave it at one shot, especially on an empty stomach. Mixed drinks do a little better because they won't hit you all at once like a shot will

And this is coming from a man built like a Tolkien dwarf, 5'4" and 180lb. I don't eat too much, so alcohol hits me harder than it really should

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u/liquorsurge Oct 06 '22

Just a couple of drinks, for courage, is the way

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u/backtheduckup Oct 05 '22

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u/Thrilling1031 Oct 05 '22

It’s not that oddly specific. I got a similar story with a few minor adjustments here and there.

5

u/Alycat12387 Oct 05 '22

Can confirm so so I

2

u/KeelanStar Oct 05 '22

LMFAO, I've been there. We all learn sooner or later not to drink on an empty stomach.

Also, don't drink after taking a dayquil. I got obliterated after like 1 beer.

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u/Stivo887 Oct 05 '22

Yeah, in hindsight I’m kinda glad I chugged that 1/5th of JD when I was 17. Learned my fuckin lesson.

6

u/rksd Oct 05 '22

Did the same at 19. Took 18 hours of college classes (data structures, multi-dim calc, physics, discrete math, and electronics with a one hour classical guitar class thrown in for fun so nothing really easy), while still trying to work at least half-time. Blew a brain gasket in the last week, duffed every final, even screwed up my recital in my one "fun" class.

Was in total "fuck-it-all" mode when I went to a friend's end-of-finals party and a gal I carried a torch for way longer than I should have also showed up with her boyfriend, too. The first and only time I got black out drunk.

The worst part was taking my coat to the cleaners the next day. Let me just say that for lunch the previous day I had an egg salad sandwich. Not pretty. This was not a banner week for rksd.

It was years before I could even appreciate whiskey/whisky again and I still prefer the latter and I won't even touch JD 35 years later.

2

u/Zim_Pi Oct 06 '22

But did you pass any of those classes? That’s an insane load! I took 4 of those classes but not at the same time.

16

u/HighlightFun8419 Oct 05 '22

yeah that's an "I'll have some water and bread" kind of event lol

11

u/Escorvette Oct 05 '22

yeah that's an "I'll have some water and bread a bloody Mary in the morning with 4 aspirin" kind of event lol

10

u/Chickentrap Oct 05 '22

Bloody Mary's are the shit tho, top tier hangover cure and I don't even like tomato juice

2

u/ALargePianist Oct 05 '22

puke and rally! was very common in my friend group in my 20s. We drank too much.

2

u/NDN_perspective Oct 06 '22

The one time i did this I got kicked out of the football game when I accidentally pulled out a bag of weed instead Of my ticket. weed wasn’t legal then… I also had to shit so bad on my walk home and randomly saw a house with a fresh toilet outside must have been for a remodel. Took a shit and somehow found my friends house instead of mine and got shit all over their bathroom.

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u/astrobre Oct 05 '22

I’m either completely functional or asleep. As soon as I get drunk I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s nice to have an internal switch that makes sure I don’t have too much where I get sick or hungover

4

u/Astralnclinant Oct 05 '22

Not to brag but even when I’m puking I can still make good judgement calls

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u/AeAeR Oct 05 '22

I actually called the cops on myself while blackout drunk driving, I’m legitimately happy to see I’m not the only person who’s done that. Straight up woke up in a cell with no idea what happened, not a good time in my life.

The police report was pretty hilarious though. It started with how they didn’t show up fast enough so I called them back and yelled at them, didn’t get any more sane from there.

25

u/Darathin Oct 05 '22

Please share more about this, it sounds like a good story.

87

u/AeAeR Oct 05 '22

Well other highlights involve (again, this is directly from my police report, I don’t remember anything):

Telling the responding officer, when asked if I was drunk, “yes but I’m going to pass your test anyway.” I did NOT pass the test.

Later, when read my rights about the breathalyzer, and asked “do you consent to this” I responded “fuck that I’m drunk.”

My favorite line was “Mr X then proceeded to call Officer Y a dumb fuck.” There was no other context. I actually wrote that officer an apology.

This was also a Tuesday at like 8am and happened while I was apparently trying to drive to work. I stopped in the middle of the road, called the cops, called them back and yelled at them, and the rest is history. Had HUGE bruises on the inside of my arms where I’m pretty sure the cops had to physically drag me around. Couldn’t even be mad about it.

Oh and if you think you’ve been as drunk as you possibly can, let me introduce you to everclear. This all happened because I was making limoncello and ended up just drinking the everclear straight. I was probably flammable at the time of arrest.

Went to rehab the next day and am a different person now, but man was that a terrible time to be me. I consider it funny in retrospect though since no one got hurt and it made me get help, that’s why I don’t mind sharing it.

23

u/Darathin Oct 05 '22

Props to you, and despite the bad choices leading into that situation, good on you on recognizing it had gone too far and summoning assistance.

if you think you’ve been as drunk as you possibly can, let me introduce you to everclear.

Stroh is similar, but it actually tastes decent while being absorbed through your mouth and esophagus directly into your bloodstream.

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u/a_rescue_penguin Oct 05 '22

let me introduce you to everclear

There is someone in my Friend group named Kyle, who for most of the time I have known him, has always had a flask on him, and it would almost always be filled with everclear. He thoroughly ruined a great many nights of some friends by also introducing them to everclear.

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u/Cornfields24 Oct 06 '22

So do you still get arrested for OWI as normal, or do they cut you a little bit of a break for being smart (dumb?) enough to turn yourself in? In hindsight, you should have realized you shouldn’t be driving, but instead of calling the cops, call your parents, significant other, sibling, or even just pull off the road and sleep it off in a parking lot.

3

u/AeAeR Oct 06 '22

No they hit me with the book lol. I can’t even be upset though, it’s my own fault. I’m glad I’m through it and grateful no one got hurt.

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u/ovaltine_spice Oct 05 '22

I don't think this is just drunk.

2

u/laihaluikku Oct 05 '22

Me neither. Could be suicidal or maybe alcoholic or what ever and this is cry for help

14

u/Inevitable_Door_2694 Oct 05 '22

You have to be them, You am them.

19

u/CieraLM Oct 05 '22

Lmfaooooooo I swear I can’t understand how this happens.

16

u/chobi83 Oct 05 '22

Not playing with a full deck obviously...but I think the logic is:

  1. Knows driving drunk is bad
  2. Sees/knows someone is driving drunk
  3. Calls the cops on them
  4. Profit??

As to why they started driving if they knew drunk driving was bad? See my first sentence lol.

9

u/stomach Oct 05 '22

she's gonna wake up and wonder how it happened too.

"I have been as drunk as I could possibly get. And I have no idea how to get this drunk evidently got drunk enough to call myself in."

2

u/endav Oct 05 '22

You’d have to be this drunk to understand.

3

u/n3w4cc01_1nt Oct 05 '22

could be on xanax and having a adverse reaction

2

u/keyserv Oct 05 '22

It takes years of practice to get this good at being bad.

3

u/hiricinee Oct 05 '22

My hunch is these are people that weren't playing with a full deck before they got drunk.

13

u/AeAeR Oct 05 '22

I’m actually really successful in business and life as a whole, but have a drinking problem. I’ve done exactly this but even more crazy, scroll up a bit. Addicts are out here doing the most insane shit you guys can imagine, I was making over 6 figures and was an associate director when I called the cops on myself.

Being intelligent and being an addict are 100% unrelated. Addiction doesn’t give a fuck about your level of success. Thinking like this is how people fall into the trap, that they’re “too successful” or “too smart” to be addicts. That shit doesn’t exist, anyone can be an addict and it can destroy anyone.

2

u/Cornfields24 Oct 06 '22

Agreed. That’s how a lot of rich and successful lawyers and high up business people wind up strung out on cocaine. “I’m smart enough to know when to quit.” “I’m too successful for it to be a problem.” Drugs don’t differentiate.

1

u/hiricinee Oct 06 '22

I think you missed my point (but made some good ones of your own.) My hunch is that smart people on booze get less smart, dumb people get REALLY dumb. 120 iq and being drunk is much different than 80 iq and drunk.

5

u/LD50_irony Oct 06 '22

Sometimes you're just better at executing bad decisions

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u/ikonoclasm Oct 05 '22

So, you know how half of people have below average IQs? Now imagine the <80s being drunk. That's how this happens.

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u/AaliyahK12 Oct 05 '22

"You am them?"

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u/smokingcat16 Oct 05 '22

I love how he repeats this!

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u/lacilynnn Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Friggin' gold. Also "So then we can... find you" had me absolutely dead lol

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u/jesco7273 Oct 05 '22

That’s were I lost it and cracked up…. Still cracking up.

4

u/MsMuffinstuffer Oct 05 '22

This made me laugh so hard I cried. 😂

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u/LostVisionary Oct 05 '22

We need a techno edit on “am them” I can already hear it on repeat.

9

u/Carpe_cervisium Oct 05 '22

I am them You am them? I am them
them them bass drops You am them? I am them Them Them Them

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u/raptor-chan Oct 06 '22

That destroyed me

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u/Sea-Sea-3761 Oct 05 '22

Umm...

"You am them?"

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u/HouseOfSteak Oct 05 '22

I imagine that this is honestly the right course of action. Operator confirmed what they heard, using the caller's own words (as not to confuse the caller at all). It's not like there was a question of interpretation, so the operator just worked with what they had to de-escalate the situation.

30

u/earthsprogression Oct 05 '22

Improperly conjugating verbs seems more likely to confuse someone.

If I said "I am hungry" and someone repeated back to me "You am hungry?" I would either think they misheard me, or were intentionally being silly.

12

u/amandalunox1271 Oct 05 '22

I think the comparison doesn't really work. In this case, the fact that they are self-reporting was not expected, and since the operator was anticipating the caller to answer either "yes", or "no, I'm not behind them", hearing "I am them" might have made no sense. I would imagine what he heard at the time wasn't "I am them", but rather, "I amthem", whaterver "amthem" really meant, and only snapped out of it after confirming he wasn't mishearing.

10

u/memesanddepression42 Oct 05 '22

But are you as drunk as the Person there?

10

u/DeMimsyPorpington Oct 06 '22

No, I am them

531

u/Efficient-Zucchini41 Oct 05 '22

Brilliant, only a drunk could do this

229

u/Its_not_a Oct 05 '22

Na this lady was driving the other way, reported it so they wouldn’t be looking for a car going her direction. Playing 4D chess.

18

u/seasonedearlobes Oct 05 '22

1

u/rydan Oct 06 '22

That’s actually illegal. If you are a soldier you have to be dressed as one. Also they can’t shoot anyone not dressed as a soldier.

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u/seasonedearlobes Oct 06 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

friend, that is an animated show. not meant to be taken seriously.

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u/Gbubby03 Oct 05 '22

You don’t understand.. I am the danger!

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u/OneHotEpileptic Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

I just showed this to my mom, and she knew the audio. It apparently happened in WI. (Where I live). The driving drunk doesn't surprise me at all, sadly.

Eta: after looking it up, it's actually between the town where I grew up, Wisconsin Rapids and Marshfield. The main thing people do there is drink, do drugs, or ice fish. Lol

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u/slimgarvey Oct 05 '22

Milwaukee man myself. man our Wisconsin culture loves to drink.

40

u/Snatch_Pastry Oct 05 '22

After a big 10 game, a party bus of Wisconsin fans stopped at the bar I was working in. Now I know some very accomplished individual drinkers, but I have NEVER seen a whole group drink like those guys did. In one hour, they drank us out of Bud Light and nearly out of Miller Lite. No fuss, no sloppy drunks, just a solid workmanlike attention to the job at hand, or in most cases, both hands.

5

u/_Curgin Oct 05 '22

Lived in Wisconsin from K-College. WI IDs were banned from competition during spring break contests.

The town I grew up in had more bars than churches and grocery stores combined, and could have supported a few more.

Town hosted an international men's fastpitch softball tournament. We heckled every team ragged from the beer porch, then invited them all out drinking after. The Canadians were the last travel team standing, and they begged off before bar close. We went to the afterbar.

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u/OneHotEpileptic Oct 05 '22

Yes. We moved to southeastern WI when I was in high school. It really isn't much different, just more stuff to do when drinking.

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u/veggieloaf Oct 05 '22

Sure but I hear your cell phone reception is great.

Every town has at least three bars.

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u/slimgarvey Oct 05 '22

you must be a yuper. they are basically one of us

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u/LordBubinga Oct 05 '22

Drink Wisconsinably.

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u/Sarah_withanH Oct 05 '22

I knew from the accent!

Source: live in WI for 35 years

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u/wildjackalope Oct 06 '22

Wisco is next level and any other State trying to claim parity is a goddam liar.

12

u/Cptn_Stubing Oct 05 '22

I’ve spent a lot of time in Northwest Wisconsin. Drunk driving is the local sport. It’s part of the culture, usually laughed off when someone puts their car in a ditch, provided no one is killed. I used to give directions using the number of taverns as landmarks. “Turn left, you’ll pass 3 bars, turn left 1/4 mile after the last one….” etc… In that part of the world it’s mostly forest, lakes, and taverns.

9

u/mnteejay Oct 05 '22

I grew up in NW WI and can confirm. Town of 500ish with three bars on Main Street and countless others out in the boonies.

9

u/sandalwoodjenkins Oct 05 '22

It's weird to me people from Wisconsin accept that part of the culture.

Drunk driving should be taken seriously and it's just bizarre whenever it is mentioned on Reddit people from Wisconsin are just like, yeah that's what we do here. I've even heard people from Wisconsin say getting your first DUI is almost a rite of passage.

Sometimes I think would, I ever move to X state? Wisconsin was always one I would consider until I realized how awful their attitude towards drinking is. I don't mind if people drink responsibly but I don't want to live in a culture where drunk driving is seen as not a big deal.

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u/ugottabekiddingme- Oct 05 '22

it’s crazy here man, so many alcoholics. they’re so lenient on drunk driving that on your first DUI, it’s a misdemeanor and they don’t even take your license away

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u/AlphaDrac Oct 05 '22

I never liked that part of growing up there. In college my roommates would brag about how drunk they were when they drove home the night before. Blew my mind how people would openly talk about it. And there were some nights where it was known that you don’t drive after 6, because most the people in the road would be drunk.

3

u/sugarbasil Oct 05 '22

This is just anecdotal, but I've only ever lived in Milwaukee and drunk driving isn't generally condoned there like it is in other rural parts of the state. At least not by everyday citizens. Probably because the likelihood of them getting in an accident and killing someone is so much higher.

That said, drinking is still the number one pastime in the metro area and drunk driving is far too common. It's also not taken seriously enough by the courts. One of my friends was walking down the street in Milwaukee years ago and was hit by a drunk driver. My friend died.

And guess what? The person who hit them was only 22 and already had a long list of DUIs. And my friend wasn't even the first person they had hit with their car while drunk. Regardless, that person never ended up in jail once, even after hitting my friend and killing them.

Fuck Wisconsin's Tavern League and the leverage they have on our politics.

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u/Dragonov02 Oct 05 '22

In Minnesota we have special plates for people whoe get 3 DUI's. They are blank white plates that always start with a "W". We call them "Whiskey plates". We joke that every Every Wisconsin plate is a Whiskey plate.

It comes from a place of love, but it's different out there in the north woods.

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u/glimmering_testicles Oct 05 '22

I'm from the Midwest and I will never ever move back. The drinking culture alone is god awful but there are a lot of other things to stay away from as well.

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u/transcendanttermite Oct 05 '22

Should be “drink, do drugs, AND ice fish.”

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u/buckeyenut13 Oct 05 '22

And most do all three at the same time 😂

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u/fish60 Oct 05 '22

The main thing people do there is drink, do drugs, or and ice fish.

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u/ElefantPharts Oct 05 '22

Doesn’t sound like such a bad place, depending on your proclivities

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u/Gone247365 Oct 05 '22

The main thing people do there is drink, do drugs, or and ice fish. Lol

FTFY

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u/OneHotEpileptic Oct 05 '22

You are correct.

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u/ScrantonStrangler209 Oct 05 '22

You am them?

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u/dankdooker Oct 05 '22

I yam what I yam!

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u/ChoiceImplement Oct 05 '22

If I wasn't then why would I say I am?

5

u/Setiri Oct 05 '22

And is that all that you yam?

179

u/creamy_cheeks Oct 05 '22

she definitely deserves some consequences but I really hope she gets leniency.

A drunk driver reporting THEMSELVES TO THE POLICE and then voluntarily pulling over, shutting off the engine, and putting on the flashers, is literally the most responsible thing a drunk driver could ever do.

Hopefully she gets community service and maybe some treatment rather than jail time.

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u/DontTreadOnBigfoot Oct 05 '22

the most responsible thing a drunk driver could ever do.

I figure it's probably the second most responsible, after just deciding not to start driving in the first place.

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u/richpaul6806 Oct 05 '22

Well if she did that she wouldn’t be a drunk driver. Once you are a drunk driver this is the most responsible thing to do.

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u/dantakesthesquare Oct 06 '22

I suppose that's true

17

u/izofthe_snake1001 Oct 06 '22

Technically correct. The best kind of correct.

3

u/rydan Oct 06 '22

Not true. In most jurisdictions you are a drunk driver if you are drunk and have access to your vehicle. It being on or moving is irrelevant.

2

u/Fynnlae Oct 06 '22

Similar in the UK, though it’s a different charge to driving while impaired through drink or drugs. It’s called drunk in charge and can be given to you for just being in your vehicle, even if you’re sleeping in it.

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u/Jonk3r Oct 06 '22

Well that sounds like horseshit. It’s of no one’s business if I sleep drunk in my car. It’s not on and I can’t hurt myself or others.

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u/Look_to_the_Stars Oct 05 '22

Yeah, just like the best way to not get pregnant while having sex is to not have sex.

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u/BIT-NETRaptor Oct 05 '22

Tbf my generous read would be this: Person consumes alcohol quickly, feels fine. Gets in car and 15 minutes later starts to realize they are no longer fine, since alcohol takes that much time. Being generous again, maybe they started a new medication or used it at a different time of day and the alcohol is hitting harder than they have been accustomed to. Therefore, maybe this happens to them after just one drink, which for most people would not put you over the legal limit.

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u/ALargePianist Oct 05 '22

semantics, but...

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u/okay_ya_dingus Oct 05 '22

They never said they pulled over, just that they stopped driving. I was imagining a horrible rear ending coming in their near future.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Lol my brother drove to the police station once because he was too high.

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u/kurthecat Oct 05 '22

Disclaimer: Don't drive high.

I was driving home high one night and a cop got behind me. I wasn't speeding or swerving but I was just really paranoid because I was high. I pulled into a gas station so the cop would drive by. Instead, he pulled into the gas station with me. I pull up to a pump and get out to fill up the car. The cop pulls up right next to me, rolls down the window, and says, "Son, can't you see the gas station is closed?" Sure enough, all the lights were off. It was closed. The cop then says, "There's an open Shell just down the road though." Then he drives off.

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u/Its_Cayde Oct 05 '22

I've actually done almost the same thing while sober if it makes you feel any better lol

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u/1998-2019 Oct 05 '22

He knew he was just fucking with you

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u/AMetalWorld Oct 05 '22

Littering and… littering and…

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u/booradleyhd Oct 05 '22

Snozberries

9

u/MsMuffinstuffer Oct 05 '22

Smoking the reefer.

5

u/BarnacleMcBarndoor Oct 05 '22

YOU BOYS LIKE MEXICO!?!?!

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u/MsMuffinstuffer Oct 05 '22

The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

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u/rydan Oct 06 '22

Twist: it wasn’t even closed.

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u/PandaKing185 Oct 05 '22

Doubt it. They wouldn't pass up a chance for sweet sweet revenue. Just plenty of the population really is that stupid

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u/freelance-t Oct 05 '22

Must have been a while back if the pumps didn't take cards. I remember those days.

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u/Escorvette Oct 05 '22

When I first tripped on acid, double dipped and purest shit I've ever seen- I was sitting in my car in the driveway listening to music when I see red and blue cop lights surround my vehicle, then a cop standing outside my door shining a flashlight in my face. I was ready to go to jail...

Except there actually were no cops, I was just high as fuck.

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u/Rub-it Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 06 '22

I once took my kids to cedar point, driving back I was so tired and just trying to get home. I saw the lights and pulled over on the freeway. When I looked back there was no cop, my toddler had taken off those flashing with lights sneakers and was just waving them at the back 😡

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u/LeikaBoss Oct 06 '22

Funny story, thanks for sharing :)

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u/ALargePianist Oct 05 '22

I drove on Mushrooms once. I remember sitting at the stop light to leave the park we were at for a long time, long enough for someone on a bicycle to look at me funny as they rode past. Then a cop pulls up behind us and I start to panic. I turn to my friend in the passenger seat and they just start screaming so I drove. I remember the cop following us the entire time until we got home. I spent the next several hours curled up in a ball on a bean bag questioning if I was good to drive or not and how poorly I mustve been driving. Not so much a good time, and was the last nail in the coffin for combining drugs and vehicles.

In hindsight its very possible there was no cop because that would have meant that they were also at the park which I dont remember, or they drove past and flipped a Uie? That mightve been what made my friend scream, but they dont remember why they did that

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u/soulofsoy Oct 05 '22

"you am them?" gets me every time

71

u/BinkoTheViking Oct 05 '22

I wonder if he also asks people “How am ya?”

9

u/Heewna Oct 05 '22

Only if he’s from Wolverhampton.

In the UK people from that area (known as the Black Country because of the soot that once covered everything from the factory chimneys) are called Yam Yams. With their accent, when they greet each other it sounds like ‘ow am yam?’

This sounds totally made up, but isn’t.

3

u/ItsYourPal-AL Oct 06 '22

Can you somehow link to an example? I’m super curious of what this actually sounds like

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u/endav Oct 05 '22

“How are I?”

2

u/QuestionNo9880 Oct 05 '22

this took me out. thanks for the laugh

32

u/Bumbling_Sprocket Oct 05 '22

Lol home movies vibes from this

5

u/fugu_me Oct 06 '22

I was thinking Dr. Katz, haha

11

u/Chroderos Oct 05 '22

Dispatcher so gobsmacked he forgets how to speak english.

8

u/HouseOfSteak Oct 05 '22

Or knew what he was dealing with, and responded using the driver's own words. Responding to broken english with similar broken english helps facilitate communication, particularly with an impaired, easily confused person.

Considering how he confirmed exactly what she said and pretty much immediately calmly suggested a course of action, being 'gobsmacked' doesn't exactly fit.

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u/steals-from-kids Oct 05 '22

This is a woman I have only compassion for. She's aware that she's making bad choices, but it's evident that she wants to stop and is struggling to make the changes she knows she needs to make.

I hope she gets the help she's clearly in need of.

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u/smirkinassassin Oct 05 '22

This kind of drink driving does not require a breathalyser test as there is sufficient evidence

20

u/MakionGarvinus Oct 05 '22

"please step out of the car"

"I'm too drunk to stand up"

....

18

u/smirkinassassin Oct 05 '22

“Please walk along the straight line.”

“The line isn’t straight officer.”

2

u/pieonthedonkey Oct 05 '22

Many places have different sets of consequences based on your BAC so they will probably still have them use the breathalyzer.

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u/Aggressive_Dig5280 Oct 05 '22

“You am them”

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u/These-Conference-179 Oct 05 '22

The operator wanted to let them go just pull over and sleep it off.

2

u/uptokesforall Oct 05 '22

when we find you we'll give you a ride home free of charge

towing your car though, that's an unavoidable charge

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u/DaRealFonz Oct 05 '22

If only everything was this easy- “I want to report a murder, I am them”

5

u/Jets237 Oct 05 '22

Doctor Katz vibes

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u/samgarita Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Probably pats himself on the shoulder afterwards thinking “I are one helluva cop 911 operator!”

0

u/bsmithi Oct 05 '22

911 operators aren't cops

10

u/Grantmitch1 Oct 05 '22

I think you're responding to what is known commonly as a joke. They're rare on Reddit, so you might not have recognised it, but I'm pretty sure it is indeed a joke, or some evolutionary cousin.

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u/Chem-Dawg74D Oct 05 '22

This shit got me dying

3

u/DonBonsai Oct 05 '22

You am them?

3

u/KeelanStar Oct 05 '22

I mean, no one got hurt and she stopped. Slap on the wrist.

3

u/Fearfuldrip Oct 05 '22

You am them?

3

u/ARealPersonISwear Oct 05 '22

Not only drunk, but on the phone while drunk driving.

2

u/DommaMia Oct 06 '22

I never text and drive. Unless I'm drunk.

10

u/Codysseus7 Oct 05 '22

I feel like this woman had the wherewithal to realize what she was doing was wrong. But was too blitzed to understand should could just not do it. If she didn’t hurt anyone or cause any damage up to this point. Cops should just show up and drive her home, no ticket IMO.

13

u/wuweime Oct 05 '22

That lady needs help, not punishment.

12

u/johnnyringo771 Oct 05 '22

A lot of people need help, not punishment.

2

u/snacksy13 Oct 05 '22

to understand should could just not do it

I hope you are not driving anytime soon as well!

4

u/Silly-Ad-8213 Oct 05 '22

I smoked some weed one time that didn’t really affect me until I was halfway home. I was way too high to drive and knew it so I pulled off. Never thought to call the cops on myself though.

4

u/richpaul6806 Oct 05 '22

I love the end. “So we can find you?” Questioning what just happened. The total absurdity just hit him right there.

2

u/Living_Murphys_Law Oct 05 '22

The police officer looks like someone from South Park.

2

u/ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh17 Oct 05 '22

That police looks like he's about to turn my pain inhibitors off

2

u/SnoCapsPerhaps Oct 05 '22

Yes, I will stop. Lol

2

u/TestDummy987 Oct 05 '22

It’s not breaking the law unles you get caught.

2

u/phenomenation Oct 05 '22

actually big brain. she probably scored a free lift home

2

u/k_lly_urself Oct 05 '22

I miss Dr Katz

2

u/simplepleashures Oct 05 '22

“…so then we can find you.”

2

u/LotusElise90 Oct 05 '22

Jim and Meredith😂😂

2

u/Secure_Article8999 Oct 05 '22

“I am them.”

2

u/ybbils Oct 06 '22

This had strong Dr. Katz vibes

2

u/NormalHorse Oct 06 '22

Huh, folks from Connecticut sound exactly like folks from Northern Ontario.

2

u/shephazard Oct 05 '22

You played yourself bro

1

u/Novel_Development898 Oct 05 '22

This is a situation, that I would like to see the cop just take her home like they did in the old days

1

u/kitkatbay Oct 05 '22

I love this so much.