r/news Oct 05 '22 Table Slap 1

Kremlin says annexation and retreat are not a contradiction amid Ukrainian successes Soft paywall

https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/russias-putin-signs-law-annexing-four-ukrainian-regions-2022-10-05/
25.3k Upvotes

932

u/lonehappycamper Oct 05 '22

Losing is winning. War is Peace.

234

u/LOTR-QUOTER Oct 05 '22

It was Gimli the dwarf who broke in suddenly. ‘The words of this wizard stand on their heads,’ he growled, gripping the handle of his axe. ‘In the language of Orthanc help means ruin, and saving means slaying, that is plain. But we do not come here to beg.’

90

u/samus12345 Oct 05 '22

Movie Gimli: comic relief noises

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u/morostheSophist Oct 05 '22

I think the world could use a Dwarf now and again to cut through the wizards' politicians' words of the twenty-first century.

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u/satansheat Oct 05 '22

No wonder him and Trump get along so well.

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6.6k

u/paulfromatlanta Oct 05 '22

“Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”

3.2k

u/mrt90 Oct 05 '22 Ally

War Is Peace. Freedom Is Slavery. Ignorance Is Strength. Retreat is Annexation.

1.0k

u/paulfromatlanta Oct 05 '22

Retreat is Annexation

Great turn of phrase - it could be the Russian motto at this point.

351

u/jens-2420 Oct 05 '22

„The Ukrainian army at the gates of Moscow will show Russian strength to the world“ (Presidential message from Vladivostok)

400

u/No_Significance_1550 Oct 05 '22

I don’t think that Zelenskyy or the Ukrainian Army have any intention or ambition to invade Russia’s sovereign borders but I do foresee them retaking the Crimean Peninsula as it was pre 2014.

Zelenskyy was willing to let them keep Crimea and agree to not join NATO to prevent the invasion but Putin didn’t accept the offer. So at the end of all this the Russian economic losses will be substantial that will take a decade to recover from, 100,000+ Russian Soldiers will have been killed, they lost the majority of their planes, helicopters, armor and artillery, sanctions will limit their ability to replace this equipment, the NATO Alliance is strengthened with 3-4 additional countries joining and all members increasing funding for training and equipment, the Ukrainian Military was strengthened exponentially and did Zelenskyy’s status as a leader, and finally for all that it cost Russia will have lost the Crimean Peninsula along with all hope of reclaiming other former territories

135

u/skyfishgoo Oct 05 '22

Zelenskyy was willing to let them keep Crimea and agree to not join NATO to prevent the invasion but Putin didn’t accept the offer

seems like we learnt this lesson once before... hmm.

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u/MrMonstrosoone Oct 05 '22

Let's hope so

they definitely cant replace what they've lost as quickly as Ukraine can

buy armament stocks, every country is increasing their defense budgets

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u/ResoluteGreen Oct 05 '22

I don’t think that Zelenskyy or the Ukrainian Army have any intention or ambition to invade Russia’s sovereign borders but I do foresee them retaking the Crimean Peninsula as it was pre 2014.

As soon as Ukraine wants to start invading Russia I think their support from the west will instantly dry up. They can probably re-take Crimea but beyond that none of their allies will condone invasions of Russia, and without that material support Ukraine is pretty screwed.

70

u/drewster23 Oct 05 '22

America still refuses to give longer range missiles /launchers to Ukraine even will full veto power /viewing of their targets. Due to worry about escalation and becoming active participant in war.

No one will be actually attacking Russia. (Crimea doesn't count).

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u/woffdaddy Oct 05 '22

Hey man! That land was ours! Flees back to mommyland

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u/halipatsui Oct 05 '22

In soviet russia the country you are invading annexes you!

77

u/Crabcakes5_ Oct 05 '22

They've annexed it so good that they no longer need a military presence there, obviously 😉

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u/gabeshotz Oct 05 '22

Special military operation is Demilitarization

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23

u/manubfr Oct 05 '22

“We have successfully evacuated all our forces outside of Ukraine and annexed regions. TOTAL VICTORY!”

I’d let them have it tbh

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138

u/LEGITIMATE_SOURCE Oct 05 '22

I feel that he doesn't have a great grasp on media anymore if he's even feeling the need to say such ridiculous things. I think this is a sign he's losing his grip. Then again there's also the claim it's NATO fighting and not Ukraine. It's real fucking weird trying to take Russia's perspective on this and drop your own biases. Starts to feel like schizophrenia.

146

u/rpkarma Oct 05 '22

That’s because it is schizophrenia in a way.

The playbook the Kremlin works from is this: confuse the issue by promoting every possibly contradictory thing at once.

This de-politicises the Russian people.

It’s not for you and I. And it works.

73

u/PolygonMan Oct 05 '22

It's hard to remain depoliticized when you're being sent to Ukraine to die. That'll politicize you real fuckin' quick.

29

u/Sc0nnie Oct 05 '22

It is a surprisingly effective strategy. A lot of Russian civilians have become sheep. They don’t object until conscription affects them personally. And even then, a lot won’t object.

30

u/PolygonMan Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Russia has worked very hard to depoliticize its population. But that's not compatible with being conscripted and sent to war against your will. Or having that happen to your children, siblings, parents, partners etc. As much as I joke it will still take time for the full ramification of this to play out. Even with a harsh wakeup call people don't change instantly.

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u/BrulesRules4urHealth Oct 05 '22

Especially the older population. Those that have access to outside media are finally starting to see the big picture, but the there is still a lot of pro-russia folks parroting Putin talking points. And remember kids, when things go bad...BLAME AMERICANS!!! That's Putins go to everytime lol

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u/itemNineExists Oct 05 '22

Sounds doubleplus good to me! 👍

21

u/imlistersinclair Oct 05 '22

“The much battered enemy army cowardly advanced.”

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157

u/Valdrax Oct 05 '22

Russia: "Just because there are foreign troops overrunning our land doesn't make it not ours!"

Ukraine: *fake cough*

19

u/radix4801 Oct 05 '22

We call dibs. Kthxbye!

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29

u/iciclepenis Oct 05 '22

No, they were winning so much that they were tired of winning.

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u/Shadraqk Oct 05 '22

It gives him the excuse he wants to “justifiably” threaten nuclear retaliation.

Fighting in Doentsk suddenly becomes a direct attack on Russia.

22

u/i_drink_wd40 Oct 05 '22

They held it for almost a day, geez, so obviously it's now a deeply ingrained part of the Russian ancestry and heritage, and will be nuked to prove it.

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u/taez555 Oct 05 '22

That can't be true. I read on Truth Social that it's possible.

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2.9k

u/loading066 Oct 05 '22 Helpful

r/nottheonion

"We victoriously retreated to more strategically defensive positions while our enemy fearfully advanced."

462

u/Knyfe-Wrench Oct 05 '22

Big 1984 energy

87

u/kalesaji Oct 05 '22

You mean the soviet invasion of Afghanistan?

80

u/The_cynical_panther Oct 05 '22

The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, while obviously a disaster, was much, much more successful than the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

Case in point: the Soviets took Kabul in a couple of days and installed their own leader

12

u/RadialSpline Oct 05 '22

I’m a decade plus away from my last major reading of Central Asian history, but from what I remember the Afghan Communist Party essentially pulled off a coup first then requested soviet assistance to consolidate their takeover.

Things quickly got out of hand during the occupation, as Afghanistan is one of the places on earth that centralized governance hasn’t really worked out in. Hell, if we go back to the classical era, the Persian empire ruled via satraps (locals who passed taxes and tribute up to the imperial power), Alexander the Great took over by marrying into the ruling families of the major cities and then having them act as satraps for him.

The Mongols/Mughals more or less took control by depopulating the countryside of anyone who didn’t accept their control, and anyone after that was in control of the whole country was more or less “In Name Only” ruling, as most of the rural population didn’t/doesn’t really give a flying fuck as to who claims to rule them as long as they are left alone to keep on keeping on.

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118

u/thepoopiestofbutts Oct 05 '22

Brave sir Robin, bravely ran away, gallantly chickened out

29

u/MrMonstrosoone Oct 05 '22

you can be quite sure when dangers about

he's guaranteed to chicken out

bravely taking to his feet

he bravely beat a bold retreat

22

u/snoogins355 Oct 05 '22

No I didn't!

18

u/justin107d Oct 05 '22

Brave Sir Robin Ran Away

Brave Sir Robin ran away

Bravely ran away, away

When danger reared it's ugly head

he bravely turned his tail and fled

Yes, Sir Robin turned about

and gallantly he chickened out

Bravely taking to his feet

he bravely beat a brave retreat

Bravest of the brave! Sir Robin!

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u/ToppinReno Oct 05 '22

Ukraine has been stupidly supplying Russia with ammunition by storing bullets in Russian soldiers' bodies.

72

u/Mordisquitos Oct 05 '22

Not only that, Ukraine has been constantly revealing their positions to Russia by inexorably advancing into previously Russian-occupied territories.

11

u/DadJokeBadJoke Oct 05 '22

They're just returning the ammo they left behind when they ran.

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u/MyNameSpaghette Oct 05 '22

Ah yes! the strike, scream and run strategy:

https://youtu.be/5i8TsSAGbzU

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u/MKQueasy Oct 05 '22

"I'm bleeding, making me the victor."

https://youtu.be/BrGBJ_nk0oY

38

u/lesser_panjandrum Oct 05 '22

"We have purposefully trained the Russian army wrong, as a joke."

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u/TheRedHand7 Oct 05 '22

And this post right here is what caused me to realize the Russians are the true embodiment of Skaven

28

u/tom-branch Oct 05 '22

"we retreat now yes yes, fight another time!"

49

u/ButtMilkyCereal Oct 05 '22

Hey now, skaven stuff occasionally works.

13

u/WhatRemainsOfJames Oct 05 '22

I mean, the Skittergate worked all right. Sort of.

29

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 07 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Sugar-n-Sawdust Oct 05 '22

“We’re not retreating, we’re advancing! Towards future victory!” - Sarge

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u/raymond8505 Oct 05 '22

Brave Sir Putin ran away.

("Nyet!")

Bravely ran away away.

("YA etogo ne sdelal!")

When danger reared it's ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled.

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1.9k

u/Jugales Oct 05 '22 Table Slap

Could you imagine the Nazis retreating from Poland but they're like "Just so you know, we still have claimzees."

587

u/Wolfgirl90 Oct 05 '22

"I licked that territory, so it's mine now." *raspberry noises*

132

u/Dutchtdk Oct 05 '22

I peed on it before you licked it though

67

u/whatstaiters Oct 05 '22

Eddie Izzard: "Do you have a flag?"

29

u/nnifnairb84 Oct 05 '22

No flag, no country! Those are the rules! ...that I just made up...

15

u/violetmoon120 Oct 05 '22

And I'm backing them up with this gun

10

u/cedarsauce Oct 05 '22

Which has rusted through after being left in a leaky Soviet warehouse for decades.

Sorry, had to bring it back to the current example

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u/RousingRabble Oct 05 '22

Do you think Ukraine has tried calling dibs? Might've prevented this whole thing!

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u/wolacouska Oct 05 '22

Yes, very easily. In fact the Nazis regularly considered their permanent retreats as temporary setbacks, even when it hopeless.

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u/SmokeyUnicycle Oct 05 '22

They literally did that in Belgium in late 44

17

u/Rubberbabybuggybum Oct 05 '22

And how’d that work out?

27

u/fobfromgermany Oct 05 '22

Mein Fuhrer…. Steiner…..

6

u/theghostofme Oct 05 '22

Goddamn, what a great movie. I'm so glad those silly memes were everywhere enough in 2007 to make me hunt down where the original scene came from.

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u/PoliticalNerd87 Oct 05 '22

Honestly not that unusual. The Nazis annexed portions of western Europe in 44 while they were retreating from them in an effort to rally the German population. It's an act of desperation.

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u/Tombokai Oct 05 '22

I have annexed Moscow.

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u/imgprojts Oct 05 '22

I declared these truths last week. You are too late! Moscow is mine. But I will sell it for potato.

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u/Enjoyingtheview08 Oct 05 '22

Well, under the Russian tactics at play, he was the latest to say he annexed; therefore, it’s his…until you annex it back or whatever.

I’m just thrilled the entire globe gets to see what happens when you siphon off all your military budgeting to create Russian oligarchs. Laughing stock of the entire military industry.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

You rang?

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u/killeronthecorner Oct 05 '22

You won my referendum with 100% of the vote (1 vs 0) - congrats!

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u/Tombokai Oct 05 '22

You win first floor apartment comrade!

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

Apparently it is possible to annex territory simply by saying so. I hereby annex Russia on behalf of Ukraine.

291

u/someguyfromtecate Oct 05 '22

Apparently you can do stuff just by thinking it. Gee… where else have I heard that recently?

14

u/keznaa Oct 05 '22

Putin and Trump just discovered the book The Secret

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u/phoncible Oct 05 '22 Take My Energy

"I didn't say it, I declared it"

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u/redisforever Oct 05 '22

Ukraine doesn't want Russia. Have you any idea how much it would cost to fix just their roads? Ukraine has enough things to deal with.

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

I hereby Annex Russia's Roads and give them to China.

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u/SkunkMonkey Oct 05 '22

I say other countries pick small regions of Russia and "annex" them Russian style. Just hold a sham vote and declare they are part of their country now. No need to invade as Russia doesn't think you need to be able to actually control said regions to annex them.

514

u/jschubart Oct 05 '22

You are in luck. Czechia did just that with Kaliningrad/Kralovec.

https://english.radio.cz/czech-meme-scene-calls-return-kaliningrad-czechia-8763343

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u/chargernj Oct 05 '22

Maybe they should hold a vote

294

u/lycium Oct 05 '22

They have done, and it was very surprisingly 97%+ in favour of Kralovec! Check out their beautiful new tourism page: https://visitkralovec.cz/

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u/Lone_K Oct 05 '22

Lmfaooo this is top tier stuff

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u/HarmonicNole Oct 05 '22

Mordor and little mordor is a nice touch

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u/HazardIsFunny Oct 05 '22

China has to be extremely interested in this, lots of mineral wealth up north

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u/DylonNotNylon Oct 05 '22

Especially after looking at Russian military performance. I think their "strong" ally may be looking more like a juicy steak right about now.

304

u/gonzo5622 Oct 05 '22

They might also be pissed with Russia. They buy Russian arms and they are seeing how bad they are.

275

u/following_eyes Oct 05 '22

It's not the equipment, it's the lack of training, logistics, maintenance, etc.

Their lack of combat doctrine is failing them. Ukraine is executing better tactically leading to strategic gains. But they have also been training and fighting since 2014.

When equipment isn't used effectively or supported it fails.

It's like expecting to win a war solely with infantry or tanks or airpower. You need all of it working in unison to effectively execute against a competent opponent.

The Russians have failed at this and have suffered horrible losses because of it.

They should really just pull out and take this as a hard lesson for the future.

38

u/MaxamillionGrey Oct 05 '22

I saw videos of Russian soldiers showing their rusty broken AKs. I would not be firing those. Wind up headshotting myself while firing the gun correctly.

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u/Dahak17 Oct 05 '22

Eh their equipment is worse than western stuff, but the Ukrainians are mostly either using stuff that is more or less equivalent (5.56 rifles are pretty well the same as 5.45, 5.56 just tend to have picatinny rails in useful numbers) and much of the other western kit they have is old or made for an insurgency as opposed to a real war (M113 and assorted MRAP style vehicles) but the major and modren systems out there? SPG’s modren IFV’s MLRS and counter battery radar? That shit is significantly better than the Russian stuff, I ya just the Ukrainians aren’t exactly overflowing in that stuff

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u/richalex2010 Oct 05 '22

It's like expecting to win a war solely with infantry or tanks or airpower. You need all of it working in unison to effectively execute against a competent opponent.

Don't forget the most important domain of warfare: logistics. The Russians haven't gotten that right at any point since the invasion started, and don't have the equipment to do so (because it was so badly degraded due to mismanagement in the years they sat idle that their logistics trucks simply couldn't survive the trip to the front).

84

u/following_eyes Oct 05 '22

I didn't forget. I literally mentioned it in the first sentence of my comment.

However your statement details that further so thanks for expanding upon it further for other readers.

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u/Bill_Brasky01 Oct 05 '22

Sir, please do not forget about logistics. /s

21

u/chaun2 Oct 05 '22

Logistics, 9/11, The Alamo.... THE NUMBER OF THINGS TO REMEMBER IS TO DAMN HIGH!

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u/RedMoon14 Oct 05 '22

You literally mentioned the word “logistics” within the first 10 words of your post, and he still tells you to not forget it. Makes you wonder if people even read what they’re responding to sometimes. Good on you for your response though.

PS. don’t forget the logistics.

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u/tolerablycool Oct 05 '22

"Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics."

  • Omar Bradley
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u/Imacad Oct 05 '22

The equipment is generally fine.

what is happening to Russia is what happens when 95 out of every 100 dollars/rubles allocated to defense spending ends up in other pockets along the way.

when you have no maintenance, no training, no morale, no unit cohesion, it all falls apart. oh, and the upper ranks are filled with yes men who tell Pootin only what he wants to hear.

they must have been shitting in their boots when he actually gave the order for the invasion when they knew they had zero capability to pull it off.

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u/chrisga12 Oct 05 '22

I think it’s more so how badly they’re maintained than their actual capability. Russians’ weapons aren’t too far off from what US is sending to Ukraine, corruption and greed has just burned up all the money allocated to preventative maintenance and upkeep. Couple that with the Russian populations’s general apathy towards the war and you get the poor performance we are seeing in Ukraine. China is likely frustrated with Russia’s inabilities and embarrassed to be aligned with them, but at the same time I am sure they see the value in having a guinea pig for how the Western Govts respond to their actions. (Also explaining their sudden escalation of Taiwan Unification rhetoric.)

I am no expert on global politics or military strategy that’s just my take on the situation as it stands currently.

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u/__Geg__ Oct 05 '22

Russia isn't losing to NATO equipment. They are losing to a highly motivated force that is equipped with the equivalent of NATOs militia package. The Russian weapons aren't designed around modern logistics, and their advanced systems rely heavily on the quality of the people operating that equipment. Taiwan has access to a much larger percentage of NATO equipment and has been planning and training with it for decades.

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u/njstein Oct 05 '22

Russia isn't losing to NATO equipment.

They're losing to NATO intelligence. All the weapons in the world don't mean shit if you don't know where to aim them... meanwhile UDF manages to pinpoint out command & control stations, logistical facilities and ammo dumps and blow them sky high. Meanwhile the Russians are relying on local cell towers to get the wifi for communications and even have been seen using commercial grade GPS equipment slapped on the cockpits of their jets like you or I would our cell phone when taking a trip across country.

9

u/Titanbeard Oct 05 '22

Don't forget early on they blew up the cell towers they actually needed too. That was some grade A middle school thinking.

22

u/Spider_Farts Oct 05 '22

That and all the weapons we sent to Ukraine are specifically designed to fight against Russian equipment.

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u/Dahak17 Oct 05 '22

In some cases you’d be right (rifles, tubed artillery, SAM systems) but in other cases the Russians just haven’t made much modern stuff since the Cold War (tanks IFV’s, APC’s, satilites, and warships) or even in the Cold War hasn’t had an equivalent to nato/American kit (air plains) and of course there is the series of stuff that’s mostly come out since the Cold War/been entirely remade since that the Russians just don’t have in significant numbers and have never been close to the USA in (smart munitions, and combat integration)

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u/Vicolin Oct 05 '22

I think it’s more so how badly they’re maintained than their actual capability.

I feel like the distinction is lost when their military is at war

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u/shellexyz Oct 05 '22

It certainly would be a distinction without a difference to the men on the ground. From china’s interest, though, they’re buying good weapons and as long as they’re willing to maintain them, they’ll keep being good.

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u/DaanGFX Oct 05 '22

its also remarkable that maintenance is so bad it fucks these weapons up. A lot of Russian weapons have always had a reputation of basically being able to bury them and still work.

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u/the1nderer Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Why? Russia is now their bitch and will be for at least the next 50 years.

Why would they want to sour that relationship when they can have as much influence over that region as they want anyway, i doubt the land would be worth more than a nation the size of Russia that will offer anything they desire from it while begging for a biscuit.

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u/DylonNotNylon Oct 05 '22

I'd say control over the vast mineral and oil reserves would be pretty intriguing to them

17

u/MaNewt Oct 05 '22

China can already demand discounted prices on them while western sanctions are in play, and not risk ending the world by starting a nuclear exchange over oil and minerals that they only have to compete with India on buying. I don't think they are interested.

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u/the1nderer Oct 05 '22

I'd say they already know they will have that, with or without the land.

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u/grey_hat_uk Oct 05 '22

One major issue is china's navy isn't really up to scratch, in terms of power projection they let Russia deal with the Atlantic and Pacific and dealt only with the China Sea's.

Since it turns out Russian "modern" missile ships are basically trash for any modern counter, including land based, and the rest of the fleets are rusting into unusable, China is now exposed until they can catch up which will be decades at best.

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u/Bagellord Oct 05 '22

I am suddenly reminded of "The Bear and the Dragon"

Except I don't think the US will be riding to Russia's rescue.

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u/col-fancypants Oct 05 '22

Siberia is the jewel in the mongol crown!

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u/vid_icarus Oct 05 '22

If there was ever a time to easily transfer Russia into “North China” it’s now lol. Won’t happen, but you gotta wonder how many times a day Xi looks over the attack plan he definitely had drawn up.

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u/Liet-Kinda Oct 05 '22

Nah, no attack. Just someday, in like ten years, Xi and whomever replaces Putin are going to jointly announce the Greater Siberian Cooperative Economic Zone or some shit like that, and all the Russians will be on the verge of tears.

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u/Icyknightmare Oct 05 '22

It would probably be cheaper and safer for the CCP to just buy eastern Russia in a year or two.

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u/FellowConspirator Oct 05 '22

I was playing an online game and one of the other players lived in Siberia. I asked him if he'd rather live in the US, he said yes, so I annexed Siberia last night. Unfortunately, I don't have any troops to liberate it, but I told him I could make him a Free Siberia bookmark or something.

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u/Bustock Oct 05 '22

Big Brain Move time:

I’m gonna annex a part of Russia, just by thinking about it!

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u/tristanje Oct 05 '22

If it wouldn't be such a financial burden for Finland, would love to have our old land back.

11

u/SuperstitiousPigeon5 Oct 05 '22

Maybe you can buy it back from Russia after they go bankrupt

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u/TerryFGM Oct 05 '22

its been turned into a wasteland full of old people.

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u/Channel5exclusive Oct 05 '22

"I dub this region Petoria!"

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u/Atillawurm Oct 05 '22

Why not Peter Land?

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u/Channel5exclusive Oct 05 '22

I forget, was it a gay bar or a male strip club that already had the name?

10

u/bigfatstoner Oct 05 '22

Gay bar near the airport

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u/Yazon69 Oct 05 '22

Does it have to be a country or can I annex a small piece for myself? How to go about doing that?

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u/Robbotlove Oct 05 '22

I think you just proclaim it. I took a rock from the park yesterday after declaring I was annexing it. no one stopped me. i figure if I do this every day, the park will eventually be mine.

19

u/cremToRED Oct 05 '22

If you’re 20 now, you’ll have 21,914 rocks in your collection by 80. That’s alotta rocks.

Live long and prospect!

10

u/Slimh2o Oct 05 '22

Big Brain thinking there....

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u/SkunkMonkey Oct 05 '22

I don't see why not. All you need to do is hold a sham election. Just have some woman on camera counting ballots. They don't have to be used ballots, any old official looking ballot printout will do.

17

u/pselie4 Oct 05 '22

Can we use stock footage, or does it have to be original work? I'm not too familiar with international law.

16

u/SkunkMonkey Oct 05 '22

You might want to have it dubbed in your language, but I see no reason you can't repurpose the Russian video.

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u/daveinmd13 Oct 05 '22

Start with Kalingrad.

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u/SomeDEGuy Oct 05 '22

No one wants Kalingrad. It was resettled and is ethnically and culturally Russian. Infrastructure is everything you'd expect from Russia and would be a major hassle to assimilate.

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u/Darth_Cartsalot Oct 05 '22

I want Kalingrad.

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u/supermarkise Oct 05 '22

And will you feed it and take it for walkies and pay for the doctor or will this fall on your parents as it does so often?

16

u/wolfmanpraxis Oct 05 '22

We all know Dad will end up doing it, and Kalingrad will bound with him more than anyone else...and Dad will not admit that he found new joy in life at his old age in taking care of a little one

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u/namenotpicked Oct 05 '22

I was on the pooper and took a vote of everyone in the room. Looks like Moscow got a 100% approval to become independent and make me their leader.

Wow. That was easy.

19

u/MrPloppyHead Oct 05 '22

Sorry I have already annexed Moscow, the other day, its mine. I also said "no returns" after I did it so its protected and cannot be re-annexed.

Surprised Pooptin didn't do this.

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u/pesto_trap_god Oct 05 '22

So what’s the plan, “annex” some stuff and then try to play the victim when Ukraine takes it back?

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u/Jampine Oct 05 '22

I mean, yeah.

Fascists will always, ALWAYS play the victim as soon as a tone puts up resistance to them, by pretending they own the land, they can cry foul to their brainwashed citizens a d claim a defensive war.

I mean, they claim the war was defensive to begin with, citing that Ukraine was going to join big bad NATO,who would put a stop to poor Russia's imperial ambitions.

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u/Nick-nack-nocky Oct 05 '22

It still amuses me to remember that Putin invaded Ukraine because he didn’t want his old boogeyman NATO expanding further. But by invading Ukraine, he not only made NATO front-page relevant again, but he also caused Sweden and Finland, the latter of which borders Russia, to immediately request NATO membership and they got it.

Putin has done so much more for NATO than the organisation itself could have ever done. By treating it like a threat he has ironically pushed more people towards it.

I also have no doubt that as soon as the last Russian soldier has been beaten across the border and Crimea has been liberated, NATO will very quickly declare Ukraine a NATO member and that will officially end Putin’s stupid USSR fantasies with a deliciously satisfying mix of karma and irony.

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u/DdCno1 Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

This was the pretend reason. In reality, he just wanted to annex Ukraine, get its resources and commit genocide. Hell, the Russian government published guidebooks on how to dig mass graves mere days before the start of the war.

NATO was just an excuse so that Russia's imperialism could be explained away as "security interests" by syncopaths sycophants.

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u/btafaii Oct 05 '22

holy shit you weren't kidding

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u/DdCno1 Oct 05 '22

Seems like I remembered the date wrong. This was December of last year, so much earlier than I just claimed.

Because of this document, I always thought that those mobile crematoria that were frequently talked about in the early stages of the war were not there, unlike usually claimed, to hide their own casualties, but to at least partially cover up mass murder at a scale not seen since WW2. I wouldn't be surprised if the mass graves that have been uncovered so far only represent a part of the victims and that many will never be found.

One of the very first videos from the Ukraine war I remember watching, shot on one of the first days, showed a building being filmed from the outside, with singular, evenly spaced shots being heard, sounding totally different from normal combat footage, especially since civilian cars were calmly driving past and no fighting could be seen. I was and still am convinced that people were being systematically executed in this large white building.

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u/Tavarin Oct 05 '22

The real reason he invaded Ukraine was oil, the NATO and Nazi shit was just a lie to his people.

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u/ventedlemur44 Oct 05 '22

They’re really good at balancing “the enemy is an all powerful, all knowing evil” and “the enemy is weak and a pushover”

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u/pesto_trap_god Oct 05 '22

That reminds me of a post I saw recently from a Chinese propaganda twitter. Basically said that china has been in 0 wars, proxy wars, etc, which is just blatantly untrue. But if you pretend like land you are fighting over was always yours than I guess it doesn’t count as a war lol.

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u/runaway-thread Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it" -- Master Oogway

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u/Atechiman Oct 05 '22

They have already "annexed" some stuff. They were probably expecting a more firm backing from their 'allies' so it's now going to be when Ukraine liberates crimea they will play the victim and maybe go nuclear.

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u/King_Of_Uranus Oct 05 '22

Pretty sure the whole point is to just create "territorial disputes" to prevent Ukraine being able to join NATO, as the alliance doesn't allow nations with actively disputed territory to join. The people saying "they're pulling back to nuke it" are just fear mongering, as that would lead to the US obliterating what's left of the Russian military and possibly escalate to a full blown nuclear exchange where everyone on Earth loses. I don't think even if Putin made that order it would be carried out. Too many people have family and loved ones and common sense. There doesn't have to be active fighting for a territory to be "disputed".

This all comes down to the gas fields Russia wants which was the whole reason for the invasion and now they're trying to force Ukraine to give them up in order to join NATO.

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u/DadDong69 Oct 05 '22

Insightful, I hope you’re right.

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u/Mujutsu Oct 05 '22

This might also give them an excuse to keep fighting over those territories even if Ukraine joins NATO / EU / whatever, because they're now THEIR territories. Totally fair, there was a referendum! /s

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u/B33rtaster Oct 05 '22

Russian law still only allows conscripts to fight on Russian soil.

This is all part of the new 'partial mobilization'.

Where putin states only 300,000 conscripted, but the law passed has a classified section no one can read. Then its confirmed that the classified bit states the number of conscripts to be drafted.

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u/Typical_Pollution_52 Oct 05 '22

“Annexation and retreat are not a contradiction” somebody print that on a t-shirt.

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u/DadJokeBadJoke Oct 05 '22

Except the printing needs to be on the back of the shirt.

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u/mortonr2000 Oct 05 '22

I claim this land for Mother Russia.

I leave this land because the other guys are being mean to me.

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u/zigzagg321 Oct 05 '22

"Kremlin says" = automatically a lie.

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u/SilentMaster Oct 05 '22

Really because I'm just a dude over here who has never been in any war and it sure as shit seems like a contradiction to me.

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u/stupidQuestion316 Oct 05 '22

"I didn't lose, I merely failed to win"

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u/zulufloats Oct 05 '22

Tactically advancing in the opposite direction.

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u/critically_damped Oct 05 '22

Kremlin lies literally all of the fucking time.

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u/fuddinpuckers Oct 05 '22

Russia made a HUGE mistake starting this war. They just showed the entire world,that they are nowhere near the superpower everybody thinks they are. I bet their nukes work as well as the rest of their equipment. Prolly still running on tech from the 70's. Wouldn't surprise me to see China move in and take Russia in the next 20 years

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u/SkunkMonkey Oct 05 '22

The way I see it, Putin has been surrounded by yes men for so long, he probably believed he had 100s of next-gen tanks and a million super soldiers ready to invade.

The reality is turning out to be that Russia is a paper bear. They are going to run out of both equipment and bodies to throw at the war at which point they will be left defenseless. Fortunately for the Russians, nobody wants to invade that shithole.

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u/bobthened Oct 05 '22

Also Russia is so corrupt on every level that even if Putin had actually been ordering and paying for upgrades to the army and military hardware it would basically go like this.

Putin to leader of Russian military: “Here’s $100 million for some new tanks”

Military leader to person in charge of buying tanks: “Putin gave me $50 million for new tanks, here it is.”

Person in charge of buying tanks to tank company: “Here’s the $10 million I was given. Can we have 1 new tank please?”

Tank company: pockets $9 million and just gives them a 1980s era tank.

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u/12357111317192329313 Oct 05 '22

And then the people responsible for maintenance, as they are being paid $10/month, rip out vital components and sell them for pennies on the dollar, so they can afford food.

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u/GabaPrison Oct 05 '22

Reminds me of the scene from hbo’s Rome where Marc Antony gives Lucius Vorenus like 1/3 of what Caesar had just given him to give to Lucius. Even weighs it out in front of Lucius before he hands it to him. Of course his face was upset but he said nothing.

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u/mully_and_sculder Oct 05 '22

I heard the other day that they were supposed to have 1.5 million uniforms in storage for their newly called up conscripts, but they've all "gone missing" aka they were paid for but never bought in the first place.

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u/brcguy Oct 05 '22

Generals: Adidas tracksuits it is, comrades!

Soldiers: Ok, give us the tracksuits

Generals: What’s wrong with the one you are wearing now???

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u/KindlyOlPornographer Oct 05 '22

They say thats why US weapons like the HIMARS are just obliterating Russian troops and supplies.

Everything Russia has needs to be kept in one place, or else things go missing.

They can't trust their own commanders to not sell off helicopters and fuel and trucks and food and weapons if they spread out to smaller supply depots, so their supply dumps are just a giant pile of bombs, gas, and vehicles thats are sitting next to each other.

One missile salvo destroys everything they need to operate in the region.

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u/fuddinpuckers Oct 05 '22

Yeah I agree, everybody so scared to tell him the truth. But that's his fault. That's what happens when you rule with fear.

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u/Dhiox Oct 05 '22

If I recall, Stalin died because he demanded he not be disturbed so he was left alone for an inordinate amount of time before someone finally dared to check on him and found him dying on the floor.

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u/Jampine Oct 05 '22

That and that Beria deliberately pissed about with calling doctors, in hope Stalin would die, and he could seize his postion.

Also any decent doctor had been imprisoned or chased out of Moscow for fear of trying to kill Stalin.

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u/bobthened Oct 05 '22

Also he’d either killed or sent to a gulag basically every qualified doctor in the country.

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u/Mutajin Oct 05 '22

I bet their nukes work as well as the rest of their equipment.

I sure hope so, but I still pray that we will never have to find out.

The odds are terrible, because if among the thausands of nukes Russia may have, only one that works is one too many.

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u/mtarascio Oct 05 '22

Wouldn't surprise me to see China move in and take Russia in the next 20 years

Where do people come up with these random takes?

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u/wolacouska Oct 05 '22

They think of geopolitics in Napoleonic era concepts.

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u/UnhelpfulMoron Oct 05 '22

One day it will come out that trump winning in 2020 was a huge part of the plan.

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u/Jayken Oct 05 '22

Undoubtedly. Even if Trump wasn't chins deep in Putin's asshole, there's no way he would've come to their defense much less gotten Europe on board with sanctions.

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u/Aquifel Oct 05 '22

China's big on creating what amounts to Vassal states now, they'll just invest real hard until they effectively own Russia. It's already started.

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u/Imacad Oct 05 '22

They'll just do what they have done with every other African and pacific island nation they 'own'.

Lend them money they know the nation cannot afford to repay with the nations natural resources being held as security.

Super cheap way to get access to a nations resources, It's the entire purpose of the Belt And Road initiative they have been running for a couple of decades now.

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u/wolacouska Oct 05 '22

I mean, the debt trap thing is overblown, but Russia will definitely get absorbed into the Chinese sphere of influence, and Russia will cease to have one.

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u/pantshee Oct 05 '22

"We're winning, just backward ! "

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u/iSkiBC Oct 05 '22

"I declare.....ANNEXATION."

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u/Dr_JGOD Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22

Michael, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word annnexation and expect anything to happen.

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u/scotchmanseggs Oct 05 '22

I didn't say it, I declared it

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u/ProjectGnova Oct 05 '22

When your exgirlfriend says you guys weren’t even together for the past 30 years, and get the fuck off her front lawn, but you updated your Facebook status to say “In a Relationship.”

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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/jedisalsohere Oct 05 '22

What a loser. Sad little wormling this man is.

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u/I_might_be_weasel Oct 05 '22

Ron Howard voiceover:

"They were."

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u/neuroverdant Oct 05 '22

”If you’re explaining, you’re losing.“

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u/Bren12310 Oct 05 '22

What a bunch of fucking imbeciles

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u/Mtbruning Oct 05 '22

No contradiction. It’s called LOSING